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NEWS
In Interpersonal Relations, The "Loser" is the Real Winner

By A. Hacohen

A peek into the diary of the Sabba of Slobodka reveals that most of his personal resolutions dealt with interpersonal relations: "Special effort to be careful regarding the respect due to my friends, altogether, patiently, and with a soft reply." Also, "To be careful as much as possible to avoid embarrassing anyone in public in the slightest way... Did [I] fulfill the words of Rabbenu Yonah who obligated a person to seek ways and measures to benefit his fellow man day by day?" is what he demanded of himself.

During wartime, when all were starving for their very bread, HaRav Yaakov Yitzchok Ruderman would set aside half of his meager daily financial ration in order to be able buy a new tallis koton. When he told this to his Rebbe, the Sabba, expecting a lauditory reaction, the latter said, instead, "If you are indeed capable of waiving aside that much of your own needs, you should be giving the money instead to another Jew so that he be able to purchase food that he needs so badly in these trying times."

HaRav Shach writes in a letter: "I was once a young man and have now passed my eighties, but never have I seen in all my life that one loses out from yielding. One only gains from it."

There was once a baal tefillah for the Yomim Noraim who served in one place for many years. When air conditioners were introduced there, the worshipers complained that the noise drowned out his voice to an extent and they sought to bring in a chazzan with a louder voice. The incumbent complained that if the air conditioners were shut down, everyone would be able to hear him, but the congregants protested.

They went to Maran with their problem, but he refused to rule. He did say, however, that whoever yields, will not suffer therefrom but will actually gain. The chazzan decided that he would bow out and that very year, he experienced many yeshuos in his family, and felt that this was because he had given in.

*

Rabbi Shlomo Lozencz tell in his autobiography of the Admor of Ozrov, who, besides being a Chassidic leader, was also the Rov of his city. There was another Rov in Ozrov, besides. After W W I, a question arose in the community as to who would preside. The Admor was certain that if it was put to a vote, the majority would be in his favor but he decided instead to resign his candidacy and left the city, which had been the home of his ancestors for generations back.

Later in life, he was to tell, "I thought that I would be able to manage without the position of Rov or Admor... but I suffered greatly." He remained without a source of livelihood, but had no misgivings, waiving his right for parnossa for the sake of peace.

One of the acquaintances of HaRav Moshe Soloveitchik was involved in the printing of seforim. One author once asked him to arrange for the shipment of some of his works to America. In the end, the addressee never arrived to claim the shipment and the whole lot was cast into the sea.

The author was very peeved and summoned the printer to a din Torah by Rav Moshe. The case involved the loss of one thousand five hundred Swiss francs. Rav Moshe listened to the plaintiff's claim and said to the defendant, "I see that [the accuser's] claims have no basis, and according to the Halochoh, he has no grounds to demand anything from you. But it is not good for a Jew to have someone bear a grudge against him. But since he is a poor man, you can pay the indemnity from ma'aser money."

*

The Mashgiach of Lakewood, HaRav Nosson Wachtfogel, told of a tzaddik named R' Mordechai Levinton. (Incidentally, HaRav Nochum Velvel of Kelm said of this selfsame R' Mordechai that, "if there were ten like him, I would bring Moshiach."

The Mashgiach stood next to him during prayers in the Talmud Torah in Kelm. HaRav Nosson was once called up for an aliya, and took a tallis belonging to someone else. After the davening, HaRav Mordechai challenged him. "Why didn't you take my tallis? I sit next to you, after all." And he explained, "One should realize that your seat mate is not a wooden log."

The Rosh Yeshiva HaRav Michel Yehuda Lefkowitz was once asked: "What must one be especially careful regarding a boy beginning cheder?"

He replied, "To ingrain in him the attribute of vittur, of yielding, for this will stand him in good stead for the rest of his life. If small children are playing and someone gives out candies, he should learn to let others take first. This will help him in many ways. Giving in does not mean losing out, rather, one only stands to gain by it. We see in our times how great is the need for this. But people are not accustomed to yielding."

*

A faulty construction was discovered in the buildings of a new Jerusalem neighborhood complex. The disgruntled residents presented a claim against the contractor which could have run to millions of shekel in reparations, besides hard feelings which remain for a long time to come. It was decided to bring the matter before HaRav Ben Zion Abba Shaul.

The residents gathered against the contractor, each one voicing his itemized complaint in turn. HaRav Ben Zion asked that no one threaten him with a civil case. He then turned to the contractor and asked, "Are you prepared to repair all of the faults itemized here?" He replied in the affirmative.

"How long will it take?"

"I can do it within a week."

Said the Rav, "I am giving you two weeks' time to complete the work."

He then turned to the plaintiffs, "And you residents must cease your threats and complaints against him. If you have any grievances, come to me." And all those involved left, satisfied.

When people would come to him to discuss various topics in Torah, if he understood that his opinion would not be heard and there was no point in further argument, he would remain silent. Many were the times that he would say, "I object in my heart."

He would teach his students as follows: "One needn't always tell the other person that you disagree with him. Keep your opinion to yourself."

*

One of the personal resolutions which HaRav Chaim Greineman took upon himself fifty years ago read as follows: "To fulfill `Intuit Him in all of your ways.'"

What he meant by this was to take Hashem into consideration, as it were, at every given moment and with every action. Sixty years of responsa to those who came to him followed this rule of "Know Hashem in all of your ways."

For example, people came to him asking for advice concerning a profitable venture, or when was a propitious time to do this or that. But one who lives according to the above guideline, will only consider which mitzvah he can gain thereby or what spiritual pitfall lies therein.

*

When HaRav Moshe Halberstam's children were young, the entire family traveled to kivrei tzaddikim to pour out their hearts in prayer. As they were traveling from Kever Rochel to Chevron, HaRav Moshe asked the driver to stop by the wayside. He pointed to a nearby mountain and said emotionally, "See that, dear children? That is where the scapegoat was led to Azazel to atone for the sins of the Jews on Yom Kippur.

"You surely remember what you learned in cheder, that the man who led this goat did not live to the end of the year. Remember this well, dear children, that despite this fact, the gemara tells that there was a long line of important Jews who vied for this mission. Why? Because they knew that thereby, the whole nation would find atonement for its collective sins."

At this point, he would break down, and with a choked voice, would say, "See the very poignant lesson we can learn from this? A Jew must be prepared to sacrifice his very body and soul in order to be beneficial to his fellow Jew!"

 

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