This article was first published in the English language Yated Ne'eman of Eretz Yisroel in 5758. This is the first time it has appeared on the website.
As strange as it may seem, the commandment of kibbud av vo'eim is one of the most difficult challenges a person faces. Precisely this mitzva, whose importance and reward were so stressed — as is brought in the Yerushalmi: "And the commandment which is most stringent of all is kibbud av vo'eim" — is the first in a list of mitzvos which, we are told, a person performs and receives the reward of its peiros, while the principle remains intact for the World to Come. It is rewarded by long life, but it is very difficult to fulfill.
When R' Tarfon took pride before his colleagues and disciples in the manner in which he had honored his mother - - that whenever his mother wished to go to bed, he would stoop and assist her — they told him: "You have not even fulfilled half of your obligation." This actually goes so far that R' Yochanan said: "Fortunate is the one who was not tested in this commandment." It is such a stringent, demanding mitzva that if one does not fulfill one's obligation adequately, he is punished.
We are accustomed to think that this mitzva entails showing parents their due respect, honor and esteem. Surely, this is accurate, and this is not overly difficult. But when the gemora seeks to define `honor,' it says: "He must give his parents food and drink; he must help clothe and cover them, take them in and lead them out." It deals with those activities which one must perform to assist elderly, infirm parents. Normally, it might take some forty or fifty years until the son is required to perform these services of feeding and clothing a parent. A parent may be fortunate enough to reach old age and remain independent of his child's ministrations altogether.
Caring for elderly parents is not easy. It is said to be the most challenging and exacting of all obligations. One can readily understand R' Yochanan who stated that it was preferable not to be tested in such a situation. They say that a father can support ten children, but ten children are unable to support one father. This, one might say, is the ultimate trial.
The Sefer Hachinuch says: "It is fitting that a person should acknowledge and show gratitude to one who did chessed with him, and not be such a scoundrel as to ignore his responsibility and show ingratitude, for this is a bad trait; it is abhorrent before Hashem and mankind. One must bear in mind that his parents brought him into the world and they truly deserve all the respect and service he can provide." In other words, one must respect parents because it is a natural, logical, elementary thing to do.
But there is another facet to this commandment as well. The Ksav Sofer writes that we might think that honoring parents is a natural thing, that it is only normal for a son to show his gratitude to his parents for all the trouble they took in raising, feeding, clothing him and everything else, and that one who does likewise to his parents is only paying them in kind, that is repaying them for being his benefactors and not, necessarily, his parents. This is basic gratitude.
This is not so. The Torah writes: "Honor your father and your mother as Hashem has commanded you." Rashi explains, "[Where?] In Mara." This commandment was transmitted in the desert, where everyone ate manna which fell from Heaven, at a time when "your garment did not wear thin," when no one required new clothing or shoes. This was at a time and place where parents had a negligible role in providing for their children. Hashem gave us the commandment there to teach us that this mitzva stands on its own merits. It is not dependent on past favors, that is, it is not a matter of showing gratitude. It is incumbent even when a person received no benefit from his parents as a child. A person must honor his parents regardless of what they did, or did not do, for him.
The Chinuch adds: "...because this mitzva leads us to appreciate the goodness of Hashem, that He is the Prime Reason for his father and all his ancestors, dating all the way back to Odom Horishon. He brought him into the world and provided all of his needs, formed his limbs and organs perfectly to function, and infused in him the spirit of life and reason so that he would live. Were it not for his divine soul, he would be no more than a horse, a stupid mule. He should contemplate how careful he must be in his G- dly worship." The Ramban comments on the verse: "Like He commanded..." — just like I commanded you to honor Me, so do I command you to honor those who were My partners in your creation.
The gemora states: "There are three partners in a person: Hashem, his father and his mother. When a person honors his parents, Hashem says: `I regard it as if I had dwelled in their midst and they honored Me.'"
So we see that kibbud ov vo'eim is not a matter of bein odom lechavero, a normal, human expression of gratitude. There is more: it is an acknowledgement of the chain of tradition and faith handed down from father to son, from our first Father, Hashem, to our last earthly father, who brought us into the world. It is an acknowledgement of, "You are sons unto Hashem your G-d." This is why "Honor your father and your mother" was written in the Ten Commandments on the Tablet to the right, among the commandments relating to Hashem which speak of honoring Hashem, in each of which appear the words "Hashem your G- d," and not on the left, where the commandments are those between man and man.
When R' Eliezer was asked to what degree must one practice this mitzva, he said: "Go forth and see what one idolater in Ashkelon did for his father." Domo ben Nesino was asked by the Sages to sell them precious gems for the priestly eifod priced at six hundred thousand coins. The key to his safe, where the stones were, lay under his sleeping father's pillow, and he refused to disturb him. In the following year, Hashem rewarded him with a red heifer born in his flock [whose worth was far beyond that of a regular calf].
His reward was not arbitrary. The law of poro adumo is a statute whose reason we cannot fathom and the reward shows us that his deed had no logic behind it, either. Domo ben Nesino, the gentile, exercised parental respect out of gratitude; he wished to return the kindness his father had shown him in raising him. Logic dictated that he should waken his father for such a lucrative proposition. His act had no valid logical basis. Upon awakening, his father was angry that he had passed up such a golden opportunity. Events took the turn they did to teach us that kibbud ov is not anchored in mere gratitude. It is not even categorized among those mitzvos bein odom lechavero, in which we are sometimes more lax.
A story is told about two people who contested rights to a certain apartment. Each one claimed full ownership and they could reach no settlement. Even after presenting their case before judges, no agreement could be reached. Meanwhile, they separately tried to force their way into the apartment to lay squatters' claim.
One of them suddenly had an idea and swore that his contestant could not have any benefit from that apartment for it was consecrated. Being G-d- fearing, the other withdrew his claim. So long as the matter involved two people, he stood for his rights and made every effort to lay claim to the apartment. But as soon as the argument became a matter between man-and-G-d, his attitude changed, for he did not wish to be guilty of seizing something consecrated to Hashem.
A new understanding in the categorization of this mitzva as relating to bein odom laMokom and not between man-and-fellowman, should provide us with the spiritual resources needed to carry out this very demanding and stringent commandment. It can help us withstand this difficult test. And when we do, we will merit eating its fruits in this world, while leaving the principle of the reward intact for the World to Come. We will merit long days and years. We must pray to Hashem, "Do not cast us off in our old age," for in the merit of this mitzva, of showing honor towards our elderly parents, we hope to merit long life, would that it be in full health and spiritual radiance.
