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10 Cheshvan 5767 - November 1, 2006 | Mordecai Plaut, director Published Weekly
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Home and Family

ASK THE SHADCHAN
Readiness

By Rebbetzin Nomi Travis

Question:

Every Shabbos, as I relax sitting in my couch right after lighting candles and Kabbolas Shabbos, I look forward to your articles. You have an original, thorough way of tackling important subjects which many avoid commenting on.

We have a question regarding our next child in line. His peers are getting married quickly. Since we feel our son is still quite immature, although we get suggestions, we are not in a rush to start the process, but perhaps we are being overly cautious. Could you comment on readiness for girls as well?

Anonymous

Answer:

Growing Pains

I am not sure what you mean by "immature." People could use the same word and mean different things . . . A youngster can be "unripe," a late bloomer where, simply, time and experiences must take their course and eventually prepare the person for future commitments.

It reminds me of the term "growing pains." A child can have an ache that is real but upon examination, the doctor finds that everything is okay. Rather than a psychological symptom, there is the discomfort of the body rapidly developing and causing temporary soreness at a certain spot.

Along those lines, I have also heard the Talmudic expression, "moom oveir," a temporary blemish that will correct itself with time and life experience; a slightly immature person, once thrown into marriage, will grow up and learn to stand on his own two feet. This is very common, especially with young couples who certainly need a lot of guidance.

Torah responsibility is largely dependent on self- motivation, and people who are pressured into marriage when they aren't emotionally ready for it, could end up harming their marriage partner.

Parents have to be very careful when their children might not be motivated to start dating. Sometimes all they need is a gentle nudge and encouragement, since, in general, the boy or girl will on his/her own want to date, as it is healthy to feel the need to get on to the next step in life, the excitement to start building a family.

Beyond age, we all know of immature and perhaps eccentric bachelors . . . But even they, with the right counseling, usually get their act together . . .

Some might do well in all areas, but lack the decisiveness to make a marriage commitment. I've learned not to be quick to judge people. A difficult background and hard-core issues can be some of the common blocks. Some young people are so negative that they look for faults in every suggestion as excuses not to settle down.

Not dealing with the issues and expecting them to just disappear won't take them anywhere. The added frustration only hurts them more and the automatic ruling out of good candidates for an unjustified reason or mere excuse only increases their frustration.

Responsibility

Getting back to the original question, I also asked myself in seminary, how will I know when I am ready? I remember asking that of a wise teacher. She thought for a minute, then told me to picture the following scene: "You're holding one child, another is crying, the phone is ringing, etc. Are you ready to give?"

Although the description of what awaits a woman might seem like an exaggeration, it is not. It could and will easily happen in the busy schedule of a mother and housewife.

Besides the physical tasks that are time-consuming, like cooking, shopping, laundry, etc. there are no less important spiritual responsibilities. Davening is the straight connection to The One in charge. Some prayers with concentration can make the day, the future and my life in general run smoother.

A shiur, Torah tape and/or sefer can inspire me to do my daily task with more joy. And even a kosher music CD can lighten up the home atmosphere, adding to the ambiance.

The woman is like the "barometer of the house," being responsible to create the right tone. Her commitment to the correct values will set the pitch for the family. And primarily, she will be the one to spend the most time educating the children.

A girl has to know with wisdom that unless she respects her husband, they will be set for disaster. There is a famous saying that if a wife treats her husband like a king, he will relate to her like a queen. But if she bosses him like a servant, he will affirm his authority accordingly.

She needs to be able to appreciate and admire another person. And consequently be able to look up to him so as to mobilize her energies to being an ezer knegdo. A girl who is self-centered will have difficulty in knowing how to build up, complement, and nurture another person, rather than keeping only herself on the front lines.

For a young man as well, there is a general maturity of being able to take on responsibilities. The husband is expected to be the head of the household. Even if he is working, it's essential that he make an effort to maintain a set learning schedule, esepcially since asking halachic questions and making spiritual decisions will be in his realm. His Torah knowledge and joy in fulfilling mitzvos will inspire and guide his family.

In addition, the husband needs to have a sense of direction, of where the couple is heading to, what are their aspirations and priorities. Obviously, since in life there is always the unknown, a person needs to have a certain awareness of his goals. Especially in a Torah home, Torah values take on priority and there is a constant striving to be better servants of Hashem.

In the emotional department, his task is challenging . . . To put it mildly, dealing with a woman is not always easy . . . A woman needs to feel appreciated, respected and loved. Her sensitivities can puzzle the most emotionally aware of men. It takes more than good intentions to understand and give a wife what she needs.

Marital Harmony Entails Compromise

If I only love myself and my opinions, I can get stuck in my set of circumstances. That is being a mentsch only to myself, but not to others around me. On the scale of closeness, my family gets the priority. Our partner is the one we see constantly, also when we are in a bad mood, had a hard day, or didn't get enough sleep. Automatically, a human being can be self-focused and deal only with his own convenience, but marriage is a partnership. There are many prerequisites, such as being able to focus more on giving then taking, which invariably touches on having the capability of being responsible and caring for another human being. The only way to do it is by valuing the partner and holding him or her in the highest esteem. Therefore, the Rambam and Tur stress that a couple is obligated to give one another enormous honor and respect. This utmost appreciation and admiration create a truly loving bond, much stronger than most family ties. When "I" becomes "we," the needs of the partner become dear and close to heart. A well-known Rabbi of a recent generation wrote that marital harmony is imperative and requires a marked effort. It is therefore necessary that both give in and compromise a bit: not to insist on "winning" and "vanquishing" the other, and being "right all the time." Therefore, learning to compromise is the maturity in accepting that things won't always go my way, because marriage is not a monologue, one-way relationship, but a bond, a partnership.

On paper it sounds easy: give, give, and give. But in practice, we all have certain preferences and feel strongly about them. The only way to do it is by learning to forget and forgive. A respected rebbetzin told me that she prays daily to be able to overlook her husband's faults. This constant work focuses on the successes, on the positive, and overcoming the daily challenges. Marriage is about building; both partners have to be willing to work hard. It doesn't come naturally. But even that giving should be focused not only on what I want, but also what the other needs.

My husband I still laugh when we remember a strange present he gave me once; it was a piece of modern art: an original flower vase. He liked it and bought it for me. I politely said `thank you,' but he understood that the next present would be something more typical, more to my taste than his . . . A well known wife of a talmid chochom told me that her husband used to give her pots for Yom Tov when they were first married. He was practical — "We need pots." He eventually understood that what she really wanted was jewelry or new clothes . . . Before I started shidduchim, I thought that if I married the right person, everything would certainly turn out alright. But life has taught me that all the accomplishments my husband and I have in our relationship came from praying and working hard on ourselves.

Trust

Eventually, once two young people decide to get engaged, the commitment brings a certain bond. The base is there, but a real relationship can only be developed in marriage. At least there has to be the potential that both sides are prepared to nurture the connection. There has to be mutual trust that both want the best for each other and are committed to their common goals. This reliability, the Maharal said, is the essence to maintaining a marriage. When two single capable people are ready to fully invest in that relationship, the results will certainly be blessed, so that beyond age, there is a certain quotient of being prepared to erect a home, of passing on Jewish tradition to children together with a spouse. But at the same time, with one supporting the other, both can feel much stronger and fulfilled.

A frum counselor wrote that the " . . . marital success of the Torah-true Jew is to marry someone committed to Torah law. Find out early on before marriage if the person has one or more rabbis who (s)he goes to for halachic and life questions. Find out from the rabbi(s) if the person obeys faithfully; especially when doing so is a test of will, character or self-discipline. If you were only to marry someone who has a consistent history of uncompromisingly and steadily obeying halochoh and daas Torah, and of having refined character traits, the chances are much greater that you will not be harmed. Because the Torah tells the mature person who is truly devoted to the will of G-d what to do in every single situation of life."

Rebbetzin Travis has many years of experience and success in helping people through shiduchim. Please note that all names have been changed unless specified with the exception of well-known public figures like gedolim and educators. Any comments, questions and stories can be sent to: dytravis@013.net or at (02) 656-3111

 

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