"Dina, Mazel Tov! I was thrilled to hear that you're
engaged! I'm so flattered that you've made the time to come
visit me — I'm sure you're incredibly busy with all the
preparations."
"Miriam, I wish I were thrilled too. I'm so nervous that I
don't have any fingernails left to bite."
"Here, sweetie, have some popcorn instead. What are you so
nervous about?"
"Well, you know, nowadays not everyone who gets married stays
married. I'm really worried — any tips you can give
me?"
"First of all, there are a lot of good books out there, like
Ezer K'negdo by Sara Chana Radcliffe, for one. Rav
Avigdor Miller zt'l also wrote on marriage. Second of
all, the more someone works on her Middos, the easier
it is for her to live with other people."
"What do you mean?"
"For example, a patient and humble person isn't going to get
so upset when other people don't behave exactly as she'd
want, right? If a wife works on judging her husband
favorably, a lot of fights can be avoided. When my cousin was
newly married, her husband picked up the can of applesauce
she had just served from. She burst into tears, `Boo-hoo, you
don't trust my kashrus!'
"Her husband was bewildered, `It was very good applesauce. I
only wanted to see what brand it was.' "
"Heh, heh, that's a good one, Miriam."
"Well, that was a rather extreme example of jumping to
conclusions, but bear in mind that they had recently gotten
married and she didn't know him yet so well."
"Any other stories?"
"First, a short introduction, OK? This story brings out the
point to treat your husband with deference. Men feel the
lack of respect as strongly as a woman would suffer hurt that
`he doesn't love me.' " Marriage involves the same
menchlichkeit and bein odom l'chaveiro that
you'd hopefully do with everyone, but in the case of a
husband, you have to add extra respect.
My neighbor's husband had surgery, and as he was discharged
from the hospital, the nurse warned, "Now you go home and
rest." In the taxi ride home, he said to my neighbor, "I
think I'll go to the office."
"Was he crazy?!"
"Aha! Dina, that's not how one speaks to a husband.
Actually, that's how my neighbor might have spoken when they
were first married, but this was after a few decades."
"So what did she say?"
"She merely smiled and said, `What an interesting idea.
Maybe we'll go home first and see how you feel? By the time
they got home, he was ready to drop and was happy to plop
into bed. Had she said, `Are you insane or just plain stupid?
Didn't you hear what the nurse said?' he would have felt that
now he had to prove how strong he was or that she could not
push him around or that he had to protect his pride. By the
way, this works for teenagers, too.
"Wow, how am I going to remember 'til then?"
"Don't worry, after you've been married a bit, I'm sure
you'll have tips to give me too! Also, you'll get to know
what YOUR husband prefers. Some men really go for an orderly
house and some couldn't care less, as long as the wife knows
how to cook. One kind of husband is particular about how his
wife dresses, and another type would rather she spend her
time saying Tehillim. These are just a few examples;
once you figure out what your husband's priorities are, it's
easier to please him."
"Oh, I'm supposed to please him?"
"Dina, are you sure you're ready to get married?"
"I was only kidding."
"So was I. Mazel Tov again."
