Ideas and Guidance from our Masters regarding
shidduchim.
Is it possible to lose one's Providential mate? What are the
traits one should seek when one is looking for a spouse? How
should one relate to a shidduch suggestion with
several drawbacks? What about if someone has no means? What
is someone is older?
. . . and more . . .
*
"Have you ever seen a mediocre bochur get engaged?"
HaRav Moshe Aharon Stern, zt'l, mashgiach of Kamenitz,
used to ask. "Only the geniuses, the top boys, get engaged,
because every chosson is called the `best boy in
yeshiva.'
"And what happens to all of these iluyim afterwards?"
he would add. "I have found one answer in the course of the
years, having seen many of the excellent students who became
engaged and nothing ever came of them. I checked it out for
my own information, and concluded that it depended upon the
family that he entered. If he took a bas talmid
chochom, then his ascension in Torah continued and
accelerated. If he did not marry the daughter of a ben
Torah, there was no guarantee of his continued
progress."
The Mashgiach would illustrate what he meant by `the daughter
of a Torah scholar,' as delineated by the Chazon Ish. This is
referring to a girl who is, herself, a talmid chochom,
who appreciates Torah and values a Torah scholar, even though
her own father is not one. Such a young girl is considered a
bas talmid chochom in her own right! (Bayis
uMenuchoh)
Maran the Steipler defined this in similar fashion: "The main
thing one should look for in a wife is if she was raised with
yiras Shomayim, and if she will be pleased and
satisfied if her husband continues to learn diligently after
their marriage" (Kreina de'Igarta).
*
"Regarding what you asked about the qualities to look for in
a potential wife, know that the main thing you must seek is
that the girl has good character traits, for this advantage
encompasses everything. We see that Eliezer, servant of
Avrohom, did not test Rivkoh in anything else — only in
character, in her chessed performance. And even when
he saw the water rising in her merit, he was not impressed
nor did he regard this is a good omen or proof that she was
the intended bride for Yitzchok. Only when she actually
performed the kind deed of fetching water for him and his men
did he become convinced that this was a proper wife for
Yitzchok (Michtovim uMaamorim).
The centrality of fine character in one's search for a mate
is almost an explicit gemora in Yevomos 63a).
"Wait before you pick out your wife." Rashi explains: "Be
patient until you have a chance to check her deeds [to
ascertain] that she not be evil and nagging." Since finding
one's zivug is as difficult as the splitting of the
sea, perhaps this is why it is likewise difficult to size up
a woman and gauge her character if it be truly good.
A yeshiva student gave a note to the Steipler describing the
fine traits of a young girl suggested to him. He wrote, "She
is extremely good-hearted and tends to her parents with great
devotion, etc." As he read the note, the Steipler could be
heard talking to himself, "Yes, yes. There are many people
who are good to the world, and perform acts of chessed
to one and all, while they are harsh and uncaring to their
own husbands, so that this description does not really prove
anything" (Leshichno Sidreshu, quoted from Zivug
Mishomayim. It should be stressed that in this particular
instance, it seems that the Steipler was favored with a spurt
of Divine inspiration, for it turned out that the girl in
question did have a difficult personality, as is related
there.)
The Mashgiach, HaRav Meir Chodosh, zt'l, used to tell
about two friends who both became engaged within a short
space of time. The first one was engaged to a girl who was
known as an exemplary baalas chessed, while the
second's betrothed was exactly the opposite. After their
marriage, it became apparent that the first woman continued
in her do-good activities outside the home, very often at the
expense of the home.
The second one, however, was very devoted to her home and
family, since she extended her trait of egotism to her home
and husband. And thus, just as she had been self-centered
with regard to her own person, she now extended her concern
to include her husband and her home (Habayis
Hayehudi). We can learn from this example how much
siyata deShmaya is required in making inquiries about
a marriage candidate and interpreting them correctly.
How, then, can one really judge good character?
The following stories sharpen the question even more: Maran
R' Yisroel Salanter, ztvk'l once passed by the stand
of an apple vendor in the market. Several naughty children
overturned the stand, scattering all of the apples every
which way and grabbing as many as they could before running
off. The woman began screaming and cursing them, while she
ran after them. She grew livid with rage and helplessness,
before finally turning to gather up the remaining apples that
lay on the ground.
When she had finished arranging them on her stand once more,
a man passed by and asked the price of the apples and their
quality. All at once, her anger dissipated and she was
suddenly all smiles and good will to serve her customer.
Maran HaRav Yisroel used this story to demonstrate how a
person is capable of controlling his negative traits. The
worst, most despicable trait can be checked in time of need,
when there is good reason to do so. But as soon as that
temporary inducement is gone, the tempest will be unleashed
once again.
The will to appear amenable, pleasant and distinguished for
the purpose of making a good impression on a shidduch
is a powerful incentive, far stronger than the desire to win
over a customer for some apples in the market. But the common
denominator of both is that when the cause or need
disappears, the natural tendencies surface once again.
This, then, is clear: that the most reliable evaluation of a
person must be based on his daily performance and conduct,
for only thus, in his natural state, can one judge how a
person really is. Whoever wishes to size up a certain
shidduch suggestion cannot do so himself but must
resort to the opinions of those who know the person
firsthand, in his natural circumstances and behavior
(Shidduchim and Zivugim by R' Yehuda Levovitz,
z'l).
So important is the inquiry regarding good character traits
that on one occasion, the Steipler said to a ben
yeshiva: "Money and beauty are fine, an added advantage,
but if they are lacking, one must forgo these. But middos
tovos is mandatory. They are a basic feature which one
cannot overlook, since without good traits, a home can turn
into a Gehennom, G-d forbid." He repeated this
statement several times.
Incidentally, the following happened to HaRav Boruch
Mordechai Ezrachi. One erev Succos he went to a
central place where they sold arba minim, in search of
a superlative esrog. One of the people standing by was
amazed at the intense scrutiny which he gave to each
specimen, and said, "This isn't a shidduch; you don't
have to be so particular!"
Instead of replying, R' Boruch Mordechai offered the
following story, "HaRav Boruch Ber Levovitz once suggested a
match to a certain student of his. When the young man asked
him about the girl's outward appearance, R' Boruch Ber
countered, `This isn't an esrog, which must conform to
the laws of hodor [beauty and splendor].' "
The First Meeting
HaRav Moshe Aharon Stern used to stress the importance of
first impressions. To illustrate it, he would quote the words
of the Netziv in Ha'amek Dovor, (Bereishis 24:16)
about Rivka falling from the camel's back. When she first
beheld Yitzchok from afar, she saw him as a heavenly angel.
This impression was so engraved in her mind that she saw him
thus, forever after — as an angel. This is why she was
hesitant in directly intervening in Yitzchok's relationship
to Esov.
He would elaborate: "Every ben Torah must project his
true essence from the beginning. He must be explicit about
what he is looking for and what is his direction in life.
Thank G-d, we are fortunate in that Jewish daughters with a
Bais Yaakov upbringing are also imbued with the ideal of
marrying a ben Torah. I recall times in the past when
a true ben Torah had a very difficult time in finding
a shidduch.
"Nonetheless, there are some girls who profess to want a
Torah scholar, who subscribe to that ideal with their mouths,
but embody different thoughts altogether, and only parrot it
because that is the trend today, to marry a ben Torah.
Therefore, it is very important to talk about this openly
from the very beginning, to clearly delineate what a life of
Torah entails, including the various difficulties inherent
therein (Bayis uMenuchoh).
Meetings
Maran HaRav Shach discussed the subject of meetings between
the prospective candidates — their number and how they
should be conducted. "From what I have seen and heard about
the widespread customs regarding meetings in
shidduchim, it is certainly recommended that the two
young people meet several times, enough for them to get to
know one another to an extent in order for them to size up
their respective middos and hashkofos, their
attitude about long-range Torah study commitment.
"But I have already written upon the subject that one should
not exaggerate. One should definitely not extend each meeting
for hours upon hours and visit places unsuited to a ben
Torah. Aside from the fact that there is no added
advantage to them, it is even forbidden al pi din.
Nothing successful can emerge from such meetings.
"You should know, dear brothers, that the above practice is
misguided and forbidden. Three or four meetings are certainly
sufficient; more than that is superfluous. The time spent for
each meeting should also not go beyond two or three hours
(Hadrocho leVen Yeshiva).
In his letter, he warns: "Know that one must be very careful
not to transgress the prohibition of yichud,
especially in the evening hours. They must make sure that
they are located where there are other people, passersby and
so on (Michtovim uMaamorim).
Suggestions with Drawbacks
A young man was presented with two offers, each one with its
own disadvantage. He vacillated between which one to
approach, or if to disregard both of them altogether. When he
presented his deliberations to the Steipler, he was told,
"You should know that one must suffer to a certain degree
from any wife; it is inevitable. Someone who thinks that his
wife will be perfect is in for an unhappy life, when he wakes
up to the truth that suffering is inevitable. No woman is
without failings. Similarly, she will also have to suffer
from his downside, for no man is perfect, either. So all in
all, there is no room for question. Follow your natural
preference and do what you feel is best . . . "
The Woman's Brother
"This was said with regards to hereditary traits and
inclinations. But regarding hashkofoh, your asking
about the wife's brother belonging to Mizrachi, that has
nothing to do with what Chazal said about children taking
after their mother's brother. One's outlook is the product of
his free choice, which every person is given and utilizes"
(Maran HaRav Shach: Hadrocho leVen Yeshiva).
