Question:
Dear Shadchanit,
I follow your columns and enjoy the fact that you raise
issues that others ignore. I hope you will be able to handle
another sensitive matter — call it a challenge . .
.
My husband and I have been fully observant Torah Jews for
over twenty years and we are now on the threshold of marrying
off our children who are truly FFBs. The question of
yichus comes up and we find ourselves at times very
challenged (and hurt). We know that everyone has a right to
their own priorities, yet I feel at times like echoing the
words of my good friend, "Now, after all these years... l
know what you really think of me..." I do not want to condemn
others. I would like to be non-judgmental, I think that our
community has come a long way, yet not far enough in opening
itself up to "newcomers."
I understand that people like to marry their children off
to someone from a matching or parallel background, and that
there are many intricate issues involved in these
decisions... But I still would hope that we, the veteran
baalei Teshuvoh would be accepted in the warm and
loving way as we were, when we first expressed an interest in
self betterment and took the sometimes treacherous route of
chozrim beTeshuvoh. We certainly had great help, love,
and support then, which helped us overcome many obstacles.
But now, at this point in our lives, we need help
again.
Can you open this topic up for discussion in your
column?
Thanking you in advance for your interest.
A Mother in Israel
Answer:
A fresh baal tshuvah gets attention. They get warm
invitations and praise for taking on mitzvah-
observance. There is great joy in celebrating their gradual
changes. I once overheard a neighbor telling a guest that
angels are dancing in Heaven because she has taken on more
mitzvos recently. (I was impressed with my neighbor's
sensitivity and delighted at the beautiful smile the girl
had.)
I wouldn't completely agree that BTs are not fully accepted.
Nevertheless some are more successful in mainstreaming then
others. Following the period of taking on mitzvah-
observance and learning fundamental topics in Yidishkeit
comes the harder period of adjustment. After the "high" of
the first steps, eventually the reality and routine hits the
newly observant. That's even when things don't naturally fall
into place, they need to persevere and keep growing. Many
will admit that despite being "in the fold" for many years,
they haven't fully adapted yet.
It is understandable that they often prefer to build closer
relationships with others from their own background. However,
there is a healthy aspect of not only being part of their own
BT community.
Sometimes the age in which they became frum and the
extent of their contact with typical FFB families will have a
lot to do with how integrated they become. Not everyone can
exactly fit in accordance to general guidelines, but at least
an effort should be made. For example, many insist on
dressing in an eccentric fashion that might not be purposely
against the dress code, but is certainly against the spirit
of the law and makes them stand out, while others feel that
they have changed so much that they cling to some remnants of
their past life that aren't even that important for them
anymore.
Undoubtly, BTs can greatly contribute to the frum
society with their idealism and excitement. They usually
don't take for granted spiritual values and have great
appreciation for the better life they have chosen to follow.
Although at times, the need to fit in leads to insecurities
that can be transmitted to the children. In such cases they
lack yishuv hadaas, so that their parenting might be
overly strict or lenient, stressed, etc.
Someone recently told me they are looking for a boy from a
family like the Cohens. And she enforced, "Therefore, not
BTs". Interestingly enough, little does she know that I
happen to be acquainted with Mrs. Cohen and I am aware that
she is a BT, which most people don't realize, because she is
so mainstreamed and truly fits into frum circles . .
.
I have also met BTs that actually only look for children of
FFBs. Precisely what they feel they didn't have, they want,
as if to compensate. The question is whether the families
will get along . . . The answer is not always positive, which
could then be a high price to pay, above and beyond just
simply wanting what is best for one's child.
Since the children often visit and keep close contact, one
would want their children to marry into families similar to
their own . . . Still, most would probably be hurt like you
by being turned down. But what does pain my neighbor, which
she asked me to address, is when BTs who are well adjusted
and integrated have a hard time enrolling their children in
chareidi institutions . . .
As you wrote, there are "many intricate issues." Family
background is important but only one aspect of the many
needs, preferences, expectations, etc. Unfortunately, often
people get so caught on one of those aspects, something that
could potentially be overlooked if minor, that they forget
that nothing is more important then their child's
happiness.
There are cases where one side doesn't want a particular type
and somehow they end up not finding out that a suggestion
might be in the unwanted category. Or they might surprise
even themselves by being willing to compromise . . .
In a true story, a girl's family turned down, at least twice,
a certain offer because the boy came from a BT family. The
third time came from a different source and they didn't
remember they had already said no. This time around they
realized that they had met him many times, for he is
indirectly related to a neighbor. They were impressed with
what they saw and the inquiries only confirmed it. Only much
later, they realized that they had turned it down in the
past, and that his parents are BTs but then it didn't matter
anymore!
In short, don't worry too much about what other people think
or say. Families who would not want you, you would not want
them either . . . Even if others don't appreciate your
family, you have to feel good about yourself and proud of
your accomplishments. You know your virtues, the great steps
you took to build a wonderful household.
Hashem will orchestrate for your dear ones to meet their
zivugim. If a shidduch is declined, it is
because it is not meant to work out. We can want and want,
but only what is truly bashert will crystallize.
Rebbetzin Travis has many years of experience and success
in helping people through shidduchim. Please note that
all names have been changed unless specified with the
exception of well-known public figures like Gedolim
and educators. Any comments, questions and stories can be
sent to: travisdn@013.net or at (02) 656- 3111
