When I was a little girl, birthdays were very important to
me. Some years I enjoyed a party, other years a nice gift,
but there was always something to remind me that my parents
loved me, and that I was their treasure. Occasionally, my
mother laughs and reminds me of a conversation we had when I
was young.
My mother, who grew up in a small town in Romania, confessed
to never having had a birthday party. My first shocked
response was — but then how did you get older? When I
myself got a little older, I decided to take matters into my
own hands. My mother was home all the time, so planning a
surprise was quite an effort, but one Shabbos I told my
mother I had to leave shul early — something I
never did. When she and my father and brother came home, the
table was decorated and a birthday cake was on the table. It
was a big surprise for her and it became a happy, warm memory
we share.
As I matured, and listened to Torah tapes, I discovered that
birthday celebrations were somewhat frowned upon. Since they
are not out-and-out forbidden, I hope it is OK to plead their
cause.
It is true that each birthday brings a person closer to their
death. One speaker I heard said, 'Imagine being on a train
that is hurtling along the tracks, bringing passengers to
their grave. Would they celebrate each stop at each station?'
But to accept this viewpoint in its extremity, we could mourn
the birth of a child, realizing that eventually his life here
will end.
Hashem has put us here for however many years he allots to
us. We are commanded to serve Him in joy. Perhaps in years
past when people led much more austere lives and were more
serious about life, birthday celebrations were a distraction
that they didn't need and probably couldn't afford. Today,
when we live in an era where most people have plenty of
things, but suffer from lack of attention, celebrating a
birthday can serve as another tool to introspect and grow in
our avodas Hashem.
Somehow, many children feel overlooked in their families, or
suffer from lack of recognition. Being fussed over can have
long-term positive effects on their self-esteem. As a child
enjoys a 'day in the sun,' s/he can better accept and share
in the joy of others. Children can learn that rejoicing with
another person's happiness allows us infinite opportunities
for joy. As a Rebbetzin-friend of mine confided to me, 'In my
husband's family there was a rule — if there is some
reason to celebrate, celebrate!'
Warning: going 'overboard' can have deleterious
ramifications! Spending a lot on special paper goods,
expensive food, costly entertainment, party favors, etc., can
have the opposite effect, and cause a child to become self-
centered and spoiled. In some communities this can be a very
fine line, but following the rule of 'Don't be first, don't
be last' can help parents keep things in perspective. Keep in
mind as well that we want to avoid spiraling celebrations.
When my oldest was in second grade, she came home upset that
a classmate was having a sleepover party, and that she wasn't
invited. I didn't realize that the girl's parents were trying
to minimize, I only saw that my daughter was left out. I told
her that she could invite her entire class to come over
Motzei Shabbos for a sleepover party. I thought that such an
oral invitation, issued Erev Shabbos would have very few
takers. Boy was I wrong. Her whole class showed up!
It's a night I'll probably never forget! And a few days
later, the father of her friend who had made the small party
said to my husband, 'Upping the ante?' We realized that we
had not given enough thought to the entire situation. So,
when planning your child's special day, try to make it a
unique event that will become a cherished memory, without
arousing jealousy. This includes among the immediate family
as well — if you decide to splurge one time, you had
better explain well, or you will be on the hook for future
events! A one-time overindulgence will become the future
norm.
Here are some ideas for making a birthday special, while
hopefully avoiding the above referenced pitfalls.
1. Lots of birthdays to remember? My aunt, a great
grandmother (and a great aunt!) likes to send everyone a card
and a small gift. She sits down on the first of each month
and mails out the entire months' worth of birthdays! No one
is forgotten, and she avoids having to check her calendar on
a daily basis. Setting up such a calendar takes some amount
of work, but is well worth it. Let one person be in charge,
and make sure to update anyone with a copy (grandparents,
married siblings, cousins etc.) with all new additions. If
nicely done, perhaps with snapshots, it can be a thoughtful
and appreciated gift to older relatives, and it's also
another way to keep in touch!
2. Making a party for just the immediate family? Let the
birthday child select all or at least part of the menu. You
can get a cute tablecloth and keep it under a plastic, so
that it can be reused for future parties . . . it can be a
family tradition! Alternatively, arrange photos, or pictures
that the children have drawn, or cut out letters spelling
their name and tape it onto a paper tablecloth. Scatter
confetti or metallic shreds, cover with plastic, and it can
look very distinctive.
3. With young children, snack bags are often prepared so that
everyone gets a treat, which is a fine idea. The birthday
child should be allowed to select at least part of what goes
in. To ensure that the birthday girl feels special, perhaps
she can get one item that no one else got. A friend of mine
who does this told me that the celebrant invariably gives a
small piece to all attendees to share. A beautiful occasion
for practicing good middos, and a great opportunity
for parental follow up. 'You shared your special cupcake! I
feel so good when I see that!'
4. Encourage family members (especially young ones) to think
of homemade gifts. Consider making a collage or pretty
message and turn it into a puzzle (a wrapped band-aid or tea
box makes a pretty presentation!), sew a simple pocketbook,
or water bottle holder, adorn a new towel with beads or with
markers; there are many craft ideas around.
5. One of our favorite gifts, appreciated by any age and do-
able by almost any age, is a coupon book. Write up five or
ten coupons, that you know the recipient will appreciate. Try
all kinds of brainstorms, such as "good for one time cleaning
up your room." "Good for typing up three pages" "good for one
trip to the store, buying up to ten things." "good for three
times first choice of music to listen to." Everyone will have
a good laugh and the present can be enjoyed for a long
time.
6. At the party (or meal) let everyone bless the birthday
celebrant. To make it more interesting, fill a bag with small
toys and ask each person to take one randomly and make up a
birthday blessing connected to the toy. Past brochohs
include this gem, given by a seven-year-old boy, who took a
toy bus and said, "May you have enough kinderlach to
fill up a bus!"
7. Another favorite game in our home is 'hot potato.' The
children gather up some small toys and prizes (or candies)
and start wrapping. The first toy is wrapped up alone. The
second toy is placed on top of the first and they are wrapped
up together. Wrapping continues with a toy in each layer,
until the finished product resembles a small pillow. During
the party, the hot potato is passed around while music is
played, or someone sings. When the music stops, the child
holding the hot potato gets to unwrap one layer and keep the
prize! (Feel free to cheat and stop the music so that
everyone ends up with a prize!)
8. Scavenger hunts can be a lot of fun especially if done
outside of the house. Children can work individually or in
teams. Consider a store or park only if your crowd is mature
enough to play without disturbing others. Experiment with
putting creative things on your list such as 'cheapest dinner
in the store' or 'smallest leaf/flower/bug found', etc. If
playing in a store, think about giving each team a small
amount to spend for the nosh afterwards.
9. If you have a camera handy, you can take pictures of the
party, and a special picture of just the birthday boy. Later,
he can get an album and relive his happiness. You can even
use the same album each year, and use the special picture to
record his growth.
10. If your family size and energy level allow it, consider a
mini-celebration on 'half-birthdays'. We have found that the
kids really enjoy it.
11. Give a lot of thought into deciding whether or not to
make a surprise party. Anticipation is half the fun, and
there is none of that with surprises. On the contrary, many
children (and adults) get rather sulky as their birthday
approaches and no one says a word. It may not be worth the
brief wonderful experience of being surprised. The best of
both worlds may be to do what a friend of ours did. She
planned the party with her daughter, and then surprised her
by having it a few days early! Any aspect of the party can be
a surprise, while most of it is planned together. This way
the birthday-person knows way ahead of time that you are
thinking of them.
12. On the topic of anticipation, it can be a very good idea
to take some private time with your birthday child, about a
month before his birthday. Tell him you can't wait to
celebrate it, and you are wondering what he wants, or how he
would like to celebrate. If you are afraid he may come up
with something out of bounds, offer choices right away.
"Would you like to go to Bubby, or do you prefer the park?"
"Do you want a new ball or jump rope?" That gives him the
idea of what the limitations are. Hopefully, he won't respond
with an outlandish request, but if he does, a bit of humor
may rescue you. Something like, "I would love to get you a
private helicopter to go to . . . ; but do you think it
could fit in our garage?" may make him laugh and become more
realistic. If you wait, and he comes to ask you first, the
whole event can come off with your child believing that he
got something out of you, without feeling that you wanted to
give it.
13. I once read about a family planning a party. One of the
parents said to the other, "Something may go wrong at this
party; it happens sometimes. If you ignore it, no one will
remember the mistake. But if you lose your temper, no one
will ever forget it." It's a good idea to remind people that
we plan, but Hashem decides what will actually happen.
"Gam zu letovoh" is what we have to say.
As always, maintain flexibility, try to see it all from your
child's point of view and you will create many happy
memories.
Rabbi Schwab had a unique way of celebrating his birthday, I
heard on a R' Pesach Krohn tape. During the year, he would
give tzedaka, sometimes ahead of time, based on
expected earnings. But every year on his birthday, he would
declare, "Hashem gave me another year? I will just cross off
the old balance of tzedaka given ahead of time, and
start anew."
