People, I'm turning to you for help. I'm lost for ideas! A
very turbulent event is about to take place in my routine and
peaceful life. Until now, I've endeavored to be a devoted
mother to my children and a good grandmother to my
grandchildren and now I'm about to become a shvigger.
Eh? You're raising an eyebrow in surprise. But we already
have a number of sons-in-law. What's going to change?
"No," my intelligent daughters inform me. "To be a mother-in-
law to a daughter-in-law is something different entirely. You
can't compare. What kind of relationship can you have with a
son-in-law anyway? But with a daughter-in-law . . . "
"So, what am I supposed to do about it, to meet the
expectations for a successful mother-in-law?"
I heard all kinds of anecdotes: To be careful of loshon
horah. "My mother-in-law is like this, and mine is like
that," didn't help alleviate my worry much: How would I act?
How will I know how to be a nice mother-in-law? I decided to
do my homework and to ask for help from someone with
experience.
"It's a good idea," and this is probably the most important
suggestion and most beneficial, "never to interfere in the
lives of your son and his wife. They'll both manage fine by
themselves without your good suggestions."
"And what if they don't know what to do in a specific
situation?" I dare to ask. "Isn't it better to guide them?
They have no experience after all . . . "
"Heaven forbid! Don't you dare! Better they make a mistake,
that they fail, rather than that they complain that you're
interfering in their lives."
"You have to show interest, but no more than that, so that
they don't decide that you're too indifferent or don't
care."
"How does one do that exactly?" I wondered.
"You'll already know what's honest and harmless interest and
what's just prying. For example: 'Hi, Malky? How are you
today? Any better?' 'Yes, Boruch Hashem, that is,
compared to yesterday.' 'So what was yesterday?' 'Oh, I had a
terrible headache, I was dizzy. But today it's better.'
'Maybe you should do some tests?' 'I'll think about it,
thanks. Bye.' The conversation is over too soon and you're
left with a bitter taste. You shouldn't have mentioned tests;
it was enough to ask your daughter-in-law how she was
feeling. Tests are too personal.
"It's always a good idea to remember your daughter-in-law's
birthday," another suggestion reaches my ears. "Even ask
someone to remind you. If, for some reason, you can't buy her
a present, at least call her to say 'Mazel Tov' but be
careful of a pitfall like this: — 'Hi!' Mazel Tov
Ruchi! Till 120!' -'Thanks, it's nice of you to remember,
really!' - 'So how do you feel on your birthday?' -'Great. I
wonder if Moishe (that's your dear son) will remember.'
'Well, he does have a lot of important things on his
mind.'
Oops! A superfluous comment. Maybe a bit insulting. You have
no way of knowing what your daughter-in-law will think. Maybe
she's insulted. Here's another imaginary dialogue:
'Hi Dassi! How are you? So, how's Yanki? Is he eating better?
No? Maybe you should be preparing for him more interesting
and varied foods.' 'Well, I know you're an expert on cooking
. . . I don't want to run after him with a spoon... In my
opinion, he'll eat when he's hungry.'
Now you don't know if your daughter-in-law wanted to pay you
a compliment or got annoyed that you told her to try harder
regarding your grandson's food.
So, what did I say already?
"Wait, be patient. Let's say you didn't ask about him. There
could be the following reaction:
'My mother-in-law never asks about the children, especially
not Yankie, who worries me so much. I don't understand it.
He's her grandson isn't he?'
"When all is said and done," I wondered frustrated, "how will
I know what to say and what not to say? Maybe I'll sign up
for a special class that teaches mothers-in-law how to act?"
I said to my experienced neighbor. "And in the meantime, give
me a suggestion."
"Very elementary. Don't interfere in anything," she answered
me simply.
"So if it's all so simple . . . " I stopped embarrassed.
"The pshat is," and we burst out laughing.
"No, really, can you tell me in short how to win the award
for world's best mother-in-law?"
"Well, that's a bit too ambitious and is almost
impossible."
"Really?" I looked at her worried.
"Well, sometimes our remarks get a positive reaction and
sometimes it's the opposite. An example? Please: I called up
one of my daughters-in-law and I complimented her on the cute
outfit my granddaughter had worn. She was very pleased. But
when I asked her where she had bought it, she stammered and
tried not to answer. Apparently, she didn't feel comfortable
with my knowing if she had bought it in a cheap or expensive
store so that I wouldn't think she was too much of a
spendthrift or too cheap, excuse me, I mean thrifty." I was
totally confused.
"I . . . I think that at the beginning, I'll be as quiet as
a mouse . . . Later on, I'll know, maybe, what direction the
wind is blowing. I'll learn more about our daughter-in-law's
personality and it will be alright."
"Don't be so worried," my husband, who had been listening
patiently to the discussion, said encouragingly. "You need
Divine Providence in all stages of life, each step of the
way. And in order to merit it, what you've got to do is
pray."
Oh! A heavy burden was lifted from me. I have to pray and
Heaven will help.
