Question: I have older children in shidduchim.
I'm tired of making inquiries. Phoning the references is not
always helpful. They all say the same thing — lots of
adjectives. I don't even know what to ask anymore. Can you
give me practical advice on how to check out prospective
shidduchim for my children?
Answer:
The World to Come
We all would like to know what we will be asked when we get
to Gan Eden, so we can start preparing our responses
beforehand. Kabbalistic works write that after we leave this
world we will all be asked the seemingly simple question,
"What is your name?" and that most of us will not be able to
answer.
Why will we have so much difficulty responding to this
straightforward inquiry?
Each person has a special task in this world, and one's name
is a description of this purpose. Someone who fulfilled his
purpose will be able to answer this question, for it was the
very essence of his life. However someone who just tried to
blend in with everyone else will have a difficult time with
this question.
When making inquires about shidduchim, it is important
to remember these words. Every boy or girl is a unique
personality with specific characteristics, strengths, and
needs. To say that someone is a great guy or a super girl is
sweet, but it tells us absolutely nothing about them.
General Information
General information is vague but is a necessary first step to
find out if the perspective candidate is suitable or not.
However before even asking general questions about the
prospective shidduch, I would ask the shadchan
how well she knows both sides and why does she think it is
appropriate. In most cases, if there is no firm basis for the
two sides to meet, then everyone's hopes are being pumped up
for nothing, and their time wasted.
If you have a relationship with the shadchan, it's
much easier to communicate. It is usually best to ask friends
and acquaintances. Strangers do not always have your best
interests in mind.
General questions can clear the way considerably. For
example, if one side wants someone coming from a similar
mentality and cultural background, I first inquire about
that. Or if the boy wants to stay in learning for a while,
it's very important that the girl share those goals.
HaRav HaGaon Rav Matisyahu Solomon, shlita said that
certain concerns are universal such as "health, family,
education." Monetary obligations are often a subject of
discord. Unfortunately many engagements are broken because
the two sides can't possibly come to an agreement. Therefore,
before the couple meets there should be at least some sort of
common understanding also on finances.
Specific Information
If the general information sounds suitable, then there is a
basis from which to proceed to the next level —
inquiring about specific information. It's a must to find out
in what ways s/he is unique. And at the same time, if the
information you gathered is compatible with what you're
looking for. A Rebbetzin once sharply asked a girl after a
date: "It can be a great shoe. But does it fit you?"
I believe that the most important issues to investigate are
personality and how s/he will probably function in marriage.
It's crucial to ask exact questions and to make sure that you
get exact answers. Do not accept vague ones. Remember:
marriage is a commitment for life!
To be a good spouse you want to make sure that s/he is
capable both in a spiritual sense and at the same time will
be able to deal with the practical aspects of marriage. Some
questions you might want to ask on the practical level are:
How does s/he go about making decisions? How does s/he cope
with problems? Is s/he realistic? Is s/he aware of her own
limitations?
Marriage is the closest of relationships, but it's known that
a person who will be successful in shalom bayis is
also concerned about her/his fellow person. I would ask
regarding different types of relationships,
rebbeim/teachers, acqaintances as well as friends, and
even a roommate, if possible. The closest a single person has
to a partner is a roommate who sees her/him in all kinds of
moods. How does s/he treat people? Is s/he respectful and
caring about the needs of others? What makes her/him angry,
irritated, annoyed, etc.? What gets them into a good mood? Do
they try to work on middos?
In the spiritual realm, you might want to find out: What do
you mean by saying that so-and-so is great? Please give me
examples. Does s/he get guidance from
rebbeim/teachers? Does s/he have ideals? Does s/he
takes observance of mitzvos seriously? Does she dress
modestly?
Some girls want a boy who will be totally devoted to his
avodas Hashem, and are willing to take on the burden
of the practical aspects of marriage. One must know exactly
what s/he is looking, for in order to find it, and does not
want to find out after becoming engaged that they have
different outlooks about their responsibilities in marriage.
She must know what she is willing to contribute to the
marriage and how much is he expecting from her.
Regarding davening and hasmada, you could also
ask: Does he try to come to seder and davening
on time? Is he enthusiastic? What is his level and commitment
to learning When asked about how to check someone's yiras
Shomayim, HaRav HaGaon, the Steipler, zatzal
answered that one should observe how the boy davens.
If you really want to know what level of learning a young man
is on, you might want to have him speak to a talmid
chacham with whom you have a close relationship, to find
out where he really is holding.
One of my husband's rebbeim once commented, "I am not
interested in the best boy in the yeshiva. Every single one
is a masmid, lamdan, baal midos, talmid
chacham, and also the best boy. I am interested in the
second best boy in the yeshiva."
When all is said and done, do not forget that you are not
conducting an FBI investigation. Certain information is
private and unnecessary and does not need to be found out
before the two meet. Remember to adhere to all of the rules
of loshon hora and tell the person being questioned
that you are doing so for the practical purpose of arranging
a shidduch. Also remember that everyone has faults.
The goal in inquiring is not to find out negative traits, but
to confirm if s/he has the basic values you are looking
for.
May Hashem, the ultimate Shadchan, assist us in
finding our intended matches.
Rebbetzin Travis has many years of experience and success
in helping people through shidduchim. Any comments,
questions and stories can be sent to: travisdn@barak-
online.net or at (02) 656-3111.
