Dei'ah veDibur - Information & Insight
  

A Window into the Chareidi World

19 Adar II 5765 - March 30, 2005 | Mordecai Plaut, director Published Weekly
NEWS

OPINION
& COMMENT

OBSERVATIONS

HOME
& FAMILY

IN-DEPTH
FEATURES

VAAD HORABBONIM HAOLAMI LEINYONEI GIYUR

TOPICS IN THE NEWS

HOMEPAGE

 

Produced and housed by
Shema Yisrael Torah Network
Shema Yisrael Torah Network

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Home and Family

Graphological Insights
Growing Pains

by Rabbi Yoseph Engel

Mr. and Mrs. Greenberg came to see me with their son Rafi (not their real names). They whispered that Rafi, an eleven- year-old, has been going through a difficult time. They felt he was very angry about something, though they were not sure what it was. Mr. Greenberg said Rafi doesn't talk a lot. Mrs. Greenberg interjected, "He's a mouse, he does not communicate." I recommended a graphological evaluation. Sitting privately with Rafi, I asked him to write something. He shrugged his shoulders, indicating he did not know what to write. I suggested, "Write whatever you like." He just sat there. I realized that some 'first aid' was necessary. I looked for a treat in my desk and handed it to him. Seeming a little more relaxed, he took the chocolate bar and slowly started writing with one hand, while blocking his mouth with the other. I told him his writing was great and asked if it was okay with him if I spoke with his parents. He nodded his head in agreement.

Out of Rafi's earshot, I asked his parents if he had had any difficulty with the bottom of his right foot. Mrs. Greenberg glanced at Mr. Greenberg, quite surprised. She said that when Rafi was nine years old, scalding, cooking oil had spilled on his right foot and that a rather large scar remained. I asked his parents if Rafi had spoken about this during the past two years; they said he had not. Mr. Greenberg said that Rafi's not mentioning it could not indicate much since they rarely knew his feelings about most things. He did say that it was very important for them to know how this unfortunate accident was indicated in his writing.

I explained. Handwriting analysis can often be useful in detecting physical malfunctions, disfigurements, etc. There are telltale signs in the ailing person's writing. We know today that although the mind of an individual may not be conscious of any particular disorder, the subconscious keeps a record of all that takes place. Just as it dictates the personality, so does the mind react to disorders, constantly computing when something is amiss. If an issue or a problem is mended, the signs will disappear from the writing as well.

But the graphological, or handwriting, signs of physical disorders are not so consistent as those for personality traits. Look at Rafi's writing:

Notice the gaps in the letter 'y' (see arrows) on the right side of the 'downstrokes.' If these letters were superimposed onto the accompanying chart, the gaps would correspond to the lower right foot.

Diagnosing physical/medical disorders through handwriting is still in its infancy. If, for example, a man's left foot is amputated, a gap, or blotch, in his handwriting may appear on the left side of the lower handwriting zone, but only now and again. A 'normal' man would probably not leave gaps there at all, or not with statistically significant frequency. However, the frequency (though not 100 percent) is what graphologists look for.

Look at the letter 'g' of the word get (fourth line); there is no gap at all. There is no known explanation as to why the defect shows in only some of and not all of the letters. However, this situation prevails in most specimens of handwritings that reveal a gap. In short, irregularity occurs only occasionally and not in every word or letter. Writing in a downward fashion is easier than writing upward. Thus, when a gap appears in downward writing repeatedly, it is particularly significant.

To learn more about what was bothering their son, I suggested to the parents that they might want to speak with Rafi's rebbe and principal. The Greenbergs were informed that when Rafi was away at camp, an apparently unpleasant incident had occurred. A boy, who was not very sensitive, embarrassed Rafi about the scar in front of his entire bunk. The other children, too, teased him about the scar. One particular boy still 'had it in' for Rafi. Interestingly, one of the attributes of Rafi's writing is that it lacks symmetry, an indication that he is overly sensitive. He probably felt that he was no match for these kids who were taunting him and, since he had no tools to deal with this kind of situation, he did the simplest, common thing, he withdrew emotionally.

Whether most children would have reacted as Rafi did and been so embarrassed due to the scar is not the issue. Also, wondering if he could have handled it better if he were not so sensitive is irrelevant. What Rafi needed to learn was how to properly react to these everyday, difficult situations, which are, unfortunately, a part of life.

My suggestion to the Greenbergs was to tell Rafi what we are taught in Mishlei: "A gentle response deflects anger," apparently someone else's, but also one's own anger. Therefore, one should take notice that when his anger is overtaking him, he should be silent or speak softly, and not raise his voice in anger. "For when one raises his voice when angry, the anger is kindled. However, a low voice and silence, suppress the anger. Alternatively, one should speak to, but not look at, the face of the person with whom one is angry; then, anger will disappear from the heart" (Orchos Tzaddikim, chapter on Anger).

A few days later, Mr. Greenberg called and spoke with elation. "It worked! You know, I spoke with Rafi about everything we discussed. That boy did approach him and Rafi voluntarily told us during dinner what happened. He said that the boy had a grin on his face and made some wisecrack. Rafi excitedly told us that he did exactly what we told him to do. 'It wasn't easy for me,' Rafi said, 'but I spoke softly and I purposely didn't look at him. I think it really shocked him that I stood on my own two feet.' By the end of the day, both kids, my son and that boy, and the others, were playing together, as if nothing had ever happened."

I remarked that the insensitive boy, initially feeling superior to Rafi, perhaps wanted to evoke signs of anger, which would 'prove' his superiority. When Rafi responded without anger, and without looking at his face, the boy did not receive the expected response. He thereupon internalized respect for Rafi when he did not react as he had previously.

His parents were advised to continue to be as supportive as possible. The better he feels about himself, the more likely are his chances of growing up healthy in body and mind. He was angry because he felt bad about himself when he was confronted. If he feels positive self-worth, his whole outlook regarding life will be positively enhanced. Since his appearance was challenged, letting him choose his own clothing can have a good effect on him. If need be, plastic surgery is always an option. Yet these choices are clearly more external and would probably have limited influence.

Mr. Greenberg continued: "What's even more important to us is that he communicated, he listened and took our advice. He was able, for the first time, to let us know how he feels. Do you know what that means?" "Yes," I answered, "Baruch Hashem, how lucky Rafi is to have you as parents!"

Rabbi Yoseph Engel is a marriage counselor and author of Advice for Living (Feldheim Publishers) Graphology at Home, Handwriting Analysis Self-Taught (Penguin Books.) He can be reached at: Ÿ0524-248154

 

All material on this site is copyrighted and its use is restricted.
Click here for conditions of use.