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15 Sivan 5765 - June 22, 2005 | Mordecai Plaut, director Published Weekly
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ASK THE SHADCHAN
Dowry and Bitachon

by Rebbetzin Nomi Travis

Question:

". . . I'm the mother of a lovely daughter finishing Seminary. I have many married children, so shidduchim is not a foreign subject to me, but she is older than all my other daughters were when they married, and girls in her class are becoming engaged at a breathtaking rate, leaving her feeling more than a little insecure. We've had a few suggestions from friends/acquaintances, but it seems like most of them become engaged shortly after we hear the idea. Could you please give me some ideas/guidance for helping her cope with the peer pressure and her personal feelings at this time? Of course we've talked about bitochon and "hashgacha pratis", but... well, it's hard to translate theory into peace of mind. She's not the youngest, and financially we can't come anywhere near "half" of a settlement (a third, hopefully) — and as soon as prospective shadchanim hear we can't give 2/3 or 3/4, their interest wanes. I reassure her (us) that it just means her bashert is not among the ones with the financial demands, and I admire her for the real effort she's putting in to strengthen her own faith and to feel joy for her friends' simchahs, along with her hishtadlus (e.g. saying Tehillim). I'm sure I'm not the only mother in the "twilight zone," so perhaps you could share some of your advice on this "normal phenomenon" in your Yated column. I can't help worrying that if the pressure she's under now is so heavy; it may influence her when she meets someone, leading her subconsciously to overlook real incompatibilities because of her need to keep up with her class. Is my worry realistic? Should I just trust that Hashem will protect her from poor judgment and that whatever happens is so destined?"

Answer:

I have to start with praise for your clear and honest expression of the "normal phenomenon." I am sure many readers could have written a similar question. Being a mother in the "twilight zone" is painful. An older single defined it as a roller coaster — for a while the speed is bearable, but when you least expect it, a sharp curve pushes you up, down, upside down. Surprisingly enough, when you feel the movement is coming to a halt, the cycle continues. While we are in the midst of a difficulty, it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel!

There is a great deal to be said in response to the points you raised. I would like to concentrate on finances and bitachon.

Finances

HaRav Shach, zt'l, entreated our generation to make less ostentatious wedding expenses. He reminded us that earlier periods, when Torah and mitzvah observance were dearer, were also known for material simplicity.

I have also read writings on the same topic from HaRav Chaim Kanievsky and HaRav Wosner, as well as from Admorim like the Gerer Rebbe. They have tried to encourage new projects of cheaper housing.

With few exceptions, the more the yeshiva students have going for them, the more their material expectations are harder to match. Some wait for a long time until they find a satisfactory settlement. In this case, Rav Israel Salanter said they might end up regretting past better-suited offers they refused. Others see the years go by and then finally open their eyes and go down on their expectations.

I heard a comment by Rebbitzen B., a well-known educator in Israel, whose first few children were girls. Her grandmother's reaction after the mazel tov was, "nedunia . . . " When she had the first grandson, the reaction was, "Finally! May he become a Talmid Chochom"! She wasn't in any way putting down the ladies; it was just a comment about the financial pressure . . .

There is great responsibility given to the parents of Bnei Torah. Since we appreciate learning, we try to help our children as much as possible. If we want them to live a Kollel life, we know that family support is crucial. However, debts can pile up, especially when expenses are much higher then the intake. Even more so when a family is blessed with a large number of girls! I have heard of cases that the stress caused the father serious health problems.

Such burdens can lead one to lie and even steal, Gedolim warn. I was surprised to find out how common it is to get around fulfilling promises. Soon after the engagement, the kalah's side says that there was a misunderstanding; they never did really commit themselves to so much money, etc. The Chazon Ish said that although the girl's family doesn't want to embarrass the girl, it doesn't justify lying and misleading the groom's side.

Rav Chaim Kanievsky expressed that if the father-in-law is affluent and overly drawn into the material world, there might be direct or indirect pressure on the son-in-law to be less dedicated to learning. Even if he stays in Kollel, he might be influenced to diminish somewhat his enthusiasm for toiling in Torah.

In addition, the Chazon Ish wrote that one who married the daughter of a wealthy family might be faced with a wife used to luxuries and endless material comforts. For that reason, many sages married into families of modest means, rather than looking for more prosperous matches.

There are dreadful predictions for marrying a girl for financial interests. The wording of the Sages on the subject is strong, and leaving no room for doubt. He won't have success, neither financially nor in his marriage, according to the Kitzur Shulchan Oruch. Similarly, the Tana D'vey Eliyahu wrote that eventually the riches will be given to others. Furthermore, also the children will be affected (Kiddushin) : Rabba bar Rav Ada said that the children won't be righteous.

Despite the warnings of the elders, unfortunately we live in a world where too much value is put on money and not enough on character traits.

Bitachon:

I can only honor your daughter's attitude to prayer and sharing friends' weddings. By davening, she is putting effort into the main hishtadlus. The Sages recommend trying to pray with concentration, pleading for His compassion, beseeching daily, asking, and citing reasons for the request that He help a girl find her zivug. In addition, feeling for her friends shows a caring giving heart that empathizes with others even when she is going through a difficult time.

Rav Wolbe, zt'l, wrote in Alei Shur that in order to develop faith, more is needed than learning about Divine intervention in our history. Just like Hashem helped us in times gone by, He is also with each and every one of us all the way through! Besides prayer, it is a must to train ourselves to see the hand of the Creator in our lives. Rather than lofty high concepts, internalizing trust has to be strengthened not just with the big challenges. Chazal said that even when we put a hand in our pocket and don't take out the amount expected, there is something to learn from it! But we have to practice focusing on Heavenly involvement even with the trivial and daily. "It was meant for me to miss that bus and for the washing machine to break!"

At the same time, the positive shouldn't be taken for granted, either — "The dish came out especially tasty this time; I just met someone I was planning to phone, etc." The skill of reassuring ourselves and restating what we believe in requires constant training — 24 hours a day. The more we refine that thought process, the greater awareness we will develop in our reliance upon the A- mighty.

Furthermore, encouraging your daughter means mainly to be there for her. To empathize, feel her pain, listen to her . . . Inspiring words of hashkafa help — but without sermonizing long speeches that she might find difficult to internalize. And at the same time, try giving sincere compliments like pointing out her virtues and how lucky will be the boy who marries her.

However, the best conversations and wise words won't make sense if the parents themselves are overly preoccupied. If we want to transmit something, but don't live by it, there is an obvious contradiction that the children easily pick up. It is a must for us to work on our own beliefs in order to be healthy examples for the children. Otherwise, our words fall on deaf ears.

The pain your daughter feels must be difficult to bear. We have to truly believe that yes, there is a wonderful boy out there looking for her. It is not uncommon for us to compare our situations to others. The fact that her sisters and friends married earlier doesn't make her any less special than they are.

Just like Hashem looks after her on all areas, in shidduchim as well, the deliverance will come! Our challenges are tailor-made for our own particular situation. We might look as outsiders on someone else's predicament and think that their situation is better.

You have also mentioned to me on the phone that boys are compared to wine — the older the better; while girls to challah — the fresher the better. For instance, some very young girls start dating only because they reach a certain age, but are not necessarily mature enough. Unfortunately, I know of such cases that ended in an early divorce. Others are happily married but because the chosson is in kollel and the girl is still finishing her seminary professional training, they require more monetary help from their families.

In short, we are not always aware of the difficulties that they go through. There is a popular saying that the neighbor's grass is greener. What we see from the outside doesn't always reflect the reality. We know that the main blessing is not to be just like others, but that we should be given what we need.

You will certainly be checking carefully potential candidates and screening for what is appropriate for her. Whoever she will meet and consider will have to match the qualities she is looking for. Any decisions made with peace of mind and great thought will be coming from proper understanding of what she wants, but not from exterior pressures.

Constructive feelings will help you focus on the task at hand. Also, reinforce your reliance on her good judgment and maturity. With that in mind, she won't feel pressured to get into an unsuitable relationship. If she feels self-confident that she has common sense, she will trust her intuition and decisions. Anything less than what suits her is wrong and inappropriate. She is looking specifically for her basheret, for a compatible bochur. And you are by her side to guide her throughout the whole process. The chances of finding the zivug are not in the hands of matchmakers. To call matchmakers is a valid effort to network and make contacts. But ultimately, marriage is solely in the hands of Hashem — and He has many resources to accomplish His ends. Those agents are not important by themselves. They are only intermediaries and there is no shortage of representatives to carry out His will. We should turn only to the Almighty. The more we count on Him, the more we became worthy vessels to receive His blessings.

Rebbetzin Travis has many years of experience and success in helping people through shidduchim. Please note that all names have been changed unless specified, with the exception of well-known public figures like Gedolim and educators. Any comments, questions and stories can be sent to: dytravis@013.net (PLEASE NOTE THE E-MAIL CHANGE) or at (02) 656-3111.

This article is dedicated to iluy nishmas Chaya (Paach) Rotenberg, ob'm, a blessing to all who knew her, who accepted yissurim with messirus nefesh and giving.

 

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