When we were living in California, there was one non-Jewish family on our block that had two teenagers who could be classified as juvenile delinquents. When these little darlings had nothing better to do with their time, they would take their BB guns and shoot at car windows and the windows of local houses.
We would hear the "ping" or "plink" of the BB's as they hit the windows. Many of us neighbors had small round indentations in our windows that bore silent witness to these shooting sprees. I don't know whether to say "fortunately" or "unfortunately," but after a few years these boys grew up and went on to their next adventure, stealing motorcycles, which brought them to the attention of the police.
You are probably thinking, "Why didn't these young criminals get into trouble for the BB shootings? It isn't right to take potshots at windows. Those boys had some nerve!"
Now let's change the scene. Let's go to a yeshiva high school. It is late Friday afternoon. One of the younger boys, Chaim by name, has just returned from the shopping center. Last Motzaei Shabbos, he spilled mustard on his only tie, which had served him well week in and week out since his Bar Mitzvah. When he took it to the dry cleaners early this week, he was told that the tie wasn't worth cleaning. It was beginning to fray around the edges and it just wouldn't withstand the cleaning process. He was advised to buy a new one.
Earlier that Friday, Chaim had visited three stores and carefully selected the tie he thought was the nicest. He returned to yeshiva quite happy with his purchase, shined his shoes, showered and dressed for Shabbos. Then he carefully put on and knotted his new tie. After a quick satisfied look in the mirror, he started out for the Beis Medresh to daven minchah.
As he approached a group of schoolmates, the self-styled leader of the gang called out mockingly, "Hey, Hymie. Did they sell normal ties where you bought that one?" Some of the other members of the group laughed in appreciation of the "witticism." One boy, attempting to curry favor with the leader added, "Okay, so it doesn't match his suit. Maybe it goes with his socks. Or maybe his underwear." This was followed by another round of laughter.
Chaim put on a brave smile to hide the pain inside and continued on. However, now he was no longer proud of his new tie. In fact, he was sorry he had ever bought it.
When the juvenile delinquents shot at our windows, they caused a little discomfort and a small monetary loss. "Ping." "Plink." And it was over.
But look what happened to Chaim: Chaim's taste in ties was analyzed by his peers and found to be lacking. By extension, Chaim is no longer confident of his ability to choose a tie or other important item of clothing. "Ping." His self esteem has suffered a blow.
But that wasn't all. Until this incident, Chaim had been very happy with his name. He was named for his great grandfather, a noted rabbi. Because the name Chaim is so short, he had always been called by his full name and not been given a nickname.
The nickname Hymie is not one he would ever have chosen. antisemites use "Hymie" as a derisive name for Jews. "Plink." Chaim is nervous about the possibility of the clique of older boys picking up on his discomfort and calling him "Hymie" from now on. He is no longer so fond of his name.
Both sets of juvenile delinquents caused damage. The BB shots were forgotten very soon after the incidents. People who were particularly careful about the look of their windows replaced the panes and the rest of us just left the little round pits in the glass as they were. After a short while, we hardly noticed them.
The scars from the verbal attacks on Chaim are longer lasting. There is a non-Jewish expression, "Sticks and Stones can break my bones but words can never harm me." The Torah teaches us just the opposite. In fact, to highlight this point, Dr. Miriam Adahan entitled her book about onoas devorim "Sticks and Stones."
Onoas devorim, causing pain with words, is a very serious sin. In Chofetz Chaim: A Daily Companion, Michael Rothschild says, "People tend to base their own self- image on the way they believe they are perceived by others. When you tell someone repeatedly that he is incompetent, you are actually reaching into his soul and imprinting the word 'incompetent' on his self-image."
Rabbi Peysach Krohn tells a story about a teacher who was having difficulty dealing with a disruptive student whose name was Mendel. One day, in frustration, instead of calling the boy by his real name, the teacher amended it to "Mental," implying that he was a mental case. The name stuck and the boy was scarred for life.
Giving painful nicknames and making fun of someone's possessions are just two examples of onoas devorim.
A person causes pain with words when s/he brings up someone's past misdeeds. This is so even if it is done in private. If someone brings up a person's past misdeeds in public, he is guilty of the added sin of embarrassing the subject of the hurtful words.
It is also onoas devorim to go into a store and get the merchant's hopes up by pricing merchandise when you do not intend to buy anything from him. If you are curious about the price of something in a store, you should tell the merchant or salesman that you are not planning to buy. You just want to know the cost of the item.
That is why people often tell the sales staff, "I'm just looking," as soon as they enter a store. In the States, there were people who made a hobby of spending Sunday afternoons going around to houses that were for sale, and making it appear that they were going to buy a house. In truth, they were comfortable in their rented apartments and had no intention of buying a home, then or ever.
However, "house shopping" gave them something to do on Sundays and gave a destination for their Sunday afternoon drive. They became very proficient at their house "shopping." They looked in every room, opened every closet and asked all kinds of questions.
After much disappointment, the realtors finally caught on that these people were not at all interested in buying, and, taking their own page out of the onoas devorim book, the realtors dubbed "customers" of this sort "looky-loos." I know that two wrongs don't make a right, but you can tell from this incident, a little part of the pain that the realtors experienced from dealing with non-customers who asked question after question week after week.
Words have great power. Why not use our words constructively? We can give a friend or a spouse a real boost with a well-timed compliment. We can use words to build our children's self esteem, to add to the Shalom of our households and our neighborhoods, and to encourage our employees and co-workers to be happier and more productive.
Furthermore, we can try to teach our children and teenagers to value their friends' and classmates' feelings. Then hopefully, we will reach a day when all of the Chaims of the world can wear their new ties with pride and pleasure.
