Part I
Question:
"Dear Shadchante,
I am a single girl who has been in shidduchim for more
years than I want to mention. I've reached the point where I
feel that I should consider previously married men, i.e.
widowers and divorced men, but I do not know how to go about
this research. By now, my family does not get so involved in
my social life and I feel like I need tools for researching
dates, for processing the dates and sorting out what I
feel/think after a date...
Another point I wanted to air concerns: my family and
friends. I sense that a lot of people who are close to me
feel burned out and keep their distance about discussing/
suggesting shidduchim for me. It IS a sensitive topic
for me but I feel like I need someone to speak to in a non-
pressured, free and, easy way. Can you advise all the "well
intentioned eitza-givers" to play it cool. Not to
pressure the mature girls/fellows in shidduchim, yet
to stay connected to us??
Thank you in advance,
I hope you can help the situation . . .
P.S. I follow your column religiously....
Single and Trying to Stay Sane"
Answer:
A Prerequisite: Are You Ready?
The first aspect that comes to mind, reading your question,
is about the basic decision to consider widowers and divorced
men. Are you aware of what it entails? You have to make sure
that not just on paper, but practically speaking, you are
ready to face the challenges. To feel like you are
compromising and will then get more offers does not help
unless you will give them a fair chance.
I personally know of older girls who asked shailas,
made concessions, and were then willing to look into
suggestions that in the past they regarded as far from
perfect. They went through the whole process of scrutinizing
the other person. But at the end of the day, they could not
come to terms with the reality. I know an outstanding baal
tshuva who often gets suggestions of frum- from-
birth girls. He is quite wary, for in his personal
experience, such offers eventually back out because of his
background. Once the Bais Yakov girl said "no" soon before he
proposed, admitting that she couldn't come to terms with
marrying a baal tshuva. It would have been preferable
if she could have worked through her feelings beforehand, not
letting it go so far, avoiding the emotional pain both sides
had to endure.
Basic Difficulties
Someone who had a previous experience comes to the
chupah with pre-conceived notions, while you are a
novice. Therefore, your attitudes towards marriage are coming
from different places.
A widower has the advantage over a divorced man, that the
relationship was not willingly interrupted. There was no
forced separation. On the other hand, often the image of a
wife who passed away can be vivid a long time afterwards.
Such reminiscences of a wonderful departed person can be
powerful. As if the superior attributes are for posterity,
almost like an angelic holy aura of an everlasting longing
memory.
It is not simple to get over a close relationship, which by
the way, is also true for the divorced person. Although
severing ties carry deep resentment and anger, usually there
are mixed emotions as well. Even short-term interactions, at
least on a subconscious level, include recollections of
positive times.
When there is a child involved, those bonds might be even
stronger, for even if their contact has stopped, there is an
unavoidable indirect association. A child is the holiest
creation a couple can have, and will remain as a vivid
link.
In addition to visiting times, shared responsibilities and
financial pledges have to be honored. The nature of the
relationship with the child is also a factor that can't be
ignored. While some children are more open and accepting of a
remarriage of a parent, others can be extremely disruptive. I
know of second marriages that ended because the children
succeed in creating serious distress, even though the couple
did try to work through the issues. It can be quite complex
and bring unpredictable stress to the new marriage.
Reasons for the Divorce
Even in religious communities, divorces are more common then
they used to be. Somehow we have been influenced by the
secular world, where marriage is not as solid or strong a
commitment as it used to be. The reasons for a divorce can
vary. Each case is different and should be thoroughly
examined.
One of the main causes for a second split-up is that there
was no reasonable chance given to the new marriage because
s/he was still somehow healing from the separation. Therefore
it is basic to be assured that the person suggested is ready
to build a new life together with someone else. A new chapter
and willingness to begin another relationship demand the
necessary freshness and mindset to put in effort to
succeed.
We can't always put the blame on one of the spouses.
Marriages break up for many reasons, and often it isn't due
to the "fault" of any partner. Many divorces could have been
averted if a couple had learned early on to continually
nurture their relationship and develop skills in areas such
as communication and conflict resolution. Many men and women
learn from the mistakes of their first marriage and are able
to have a much more successful relationship the second time
around.
However, certain upright and respected individuals fall short
to fulfill the basic rudiments for a healthy family life.
There was a famous public figure who was busy 'round the
clock with communal needs, known as a tzadik to all.
But his wife, after much untold suffering, expressed her pain
that although he was busy helping everyone else, he failed to
make time for the family. He never helped her, not even to
take the garbage out! And his children also felt
neglected!
Someone who was a reckless partner in a first marriage might
be the same even with a different spouse. Abusive traits like
violence tend to reoccur in varied scenarios. History repeats
itself; someone can only change if s/he works on it. Mere
resolution and promises are not enough. Chazal said
that you could only know someone has truly repented if, when
faced with a similar challenge, this time around the early
mistake is not repeated.
I wouldn't rule out though, that there are individuals who
manage to overcome their natural tendencies, making a radical
change in their conduct. Someone who is honest and is willing
to receive guidance has better chances to be believed. Do not
underestimate the high statistics of how definite diagnosis
and eventual medication changed lives. Often, counseling is
needed.
[Final part next week: Inquiries and Well-Meaning Eitza
Givers]
Rebbetzin Travis has many years of experience and success in
helping people through shiduchim. Please note that all
names have been changed unless specified, with the exception
of well-known public figures like Gedolim and
educators. Any comments, questions and stories can be sent
to: travisdn@013.net or at (02) 656-3111
