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ASK THE SHADCHAN
Shadchan and Lies

By Rebbetzin Nomi Travis

Question:

"From my experience with shadchonim, I noticed that they distort information at their convenience. How can they do that if falsehood is so despised by all of us?

Michal*

Answer:

Dear Michal,

Distance from Falsehood

Your question is the number one complaint I hear about shadchonim. Because of the nature of our work, so much personal data is given that reliability and trust are indispensable. Good intentions are not enough. We are talking about two people (and their families as well) with feelings and their future at stake. To me, just like with everything in life, dealing with G-d-fearing professionals is a priority.

We all recognize that the authentic facts ultimately come out. Regrettably, there is a tendency (or even trend) to assume that twisting some details is okay. For after all, if they are only side points, who would really mind? However, white lies, said the Kotzker Rebbe, are even more dangerous! They are taken less seriously and can be easily slipped in like a carving knife.

What is Truth? Truth is a strong, all-encompassing expression. An absolute by definition can only be G-d's will - - what Hashem wants us to do, what is expected from us. Since not everything is white or black, how are we supposed to figure out the gray areas? We must always bear in mind that the Torah establishes guidelines for honesty and deception, and we must not base our assessment of what is right on our own perception of a situation. Since loshon hora is prohibited, an accurate statement is considered false even if it is inoffensive.

Even regarding negative material conveyed for a constructive purpose, one may only listen to it in order to guard oneself from potential harm. In all cases, it is forbidden to accept what one is being told as the total reality.

Just because we perceive something as accurate, it does not mean that it is not false. Since only the Almighty is "well enough informed" to judge a situation in its entirety, it is impossible for anyone to see every element involved in any incident. Therefore, no human being can ever be privy to the whole picture.

Guidelines for Honesty Even in sensitive areas like speech, there are rules. Therefore, in representing oneself (regarding age, background, personality, health, religious education, etc.), before you or any matchmaker can say one word of lie or "bending of truth," you must address your shailos (Torah law questions) to a known and expert Orthodox rabbi who has experience and who will tell you authoritatively and individually, on a case by case basis, in detail, what to say and what not to say. No single person nor any matchmaker may ever take any liberties at all to violate the prohibition of lying, in the least.

For instance, if the matchmaker is aware of details that may harm the marriage, she must consult a halachic authority before disclosing it. If she acts according to his ruling, she is being truthful; to do otherwise is misleading. There are no generalizations — no two cases are identical.

Since I regularly consult a Rov, there were instances that I thought I knew what he would reply; nevertheless, time and again I was surprised and impressed by his recommendations. Only a wise Talmid Chacham can determine the proper course of action in each situation. Because of his Torah comprehension and insight on human nature, he will be able to ask you pertinent questions in order to advice you on how to proceed. It's difficult for us to fathom the awesome responsibility they shoulder with daily life and death situations — it goes without saying that they are blessed with Heavenly assistance!

A few years ago, I got a psak to hold back on disclosing negative information about Aaron. I wasn't even sure if Aliza would want to meet him, for other reasons. If, for a different consideration, she would decline the shidduch, the sensitive matter wouldn't have to be mentioned at all. Unexpectedly, Aliza told me to set up a first date. Since she agreed with the general background, which I initially thought she would reject, the Rabbi I was in contact finally told me to reveal what I knew. She was very hurt that I waited so long. Aliza thought that the correct way to go about it was for me to have initially mentioned the negative points. She argued on the authority of that Rabbi I consulted. Unfortunately, I lost her trust. But I realize that accepting the words of our sages, even when is difficult to do so, is not a choice. I have been surprised at how many people think they know better than Daas Torah!

Exaggerating We live in a generation that needs praising. Someone doesn't have to be an outstanding Rabbi to be called HaRav Hagaon. Unfortunately, unless there is a description of a great, fantastic, etc. bochur, people might think he is way below average. We can definitely say that everyone is special in his own way. Note the difference between the previous and the following statement: he is familiar with all Shas; he will surely be the next Gadol Hador; he learns 20 hours a day, etc. To compliment with a superlative is an exaggeration that can embellish reality, but it's far from causing harm. Misleading is making A believe that she is dating B, but in fact the person she meets is C.

The Gemorah itself teaches that we may make flattering remarks about the beauty of a bride even if no one has asked our opinion. One might think that it is better simply to keep silent if one does not see the bride's beauty. However, our Sages established that in such a case, one should only say, "The bride is charming and beautiful," because there is an element of veracity to it. Every bride is attractive in the eyes of her husband, for if this were not the case, he would not be marrying her.

Seen from a different angle, there can be no harmful consequences in saying that she is good-looking, and furthermore, this is an accepted figure of speech. For these reasons, a bride is to be praised for her beauty and charm even if one personally does not consider her beautiful. Actually, you might consider a drawback as serious, but the other side might not even ask about it! A friend told me that she was worried for her brother's shidduchim because he was balding young. During sheva brachos, the groom took off the hat and a sibling joked about the balding. It didn't seem to bother Atara, the bride. She hardly paid attention to the comment and in passing, said that she hadn't even noticed it. My friend concluded that she was sure then that Atara was her brother's zivug, as the right one downplays what would have bothered others!

Though Lying, She Takes Money

There is a famous remark that the initials for the word SHaDCHaN stand for sheker diber kesef notel, although [the shadchan] lies, [s/he] takes money. What does it mean? Is it just a denigrating way to refer to the matchmaker or is there a way to understand it in a positive light?

The match between the man and the women is from Heaven, and forty days before the creation of the embryo, it was already determined that daughter X of Y would marry Z. Why does the matchmaker demand payment for something s/he did if ultimately it was so decreed to happen anyway?

The answer is that she needs to be paid for embellishing reality (see previous subtitle called Exaggerating). That's not from Heaven. But in order to get the intended match to materialize, she often needs to accent the positive.

People tend to blow up difficulties and get sidetracked by something that is not necessarily a blemish which justifies declining a potentially good offer. Focusing on qualities is anyway beneficial, constituting an ayin tova, good eye. Sometimes imperfections can be regarded in a different light with a bit of thinking and putting things into perspective.

Obviously, the allowances for enhancing virtues don't justify the matchmaker to go to the other extreme and irresponsibly damage with lies! For that there is no excuse. The following words from a marriage counselor strongly reinforce my point: "If a divorce is attributed to the absence of integrity on the part of the shadchan, it is a blight on that shadchan who should be ousted from the profession; like an accountant who keeps getting tax clients jailed by the I.R.S., an engineer whose bridges keep falling into the river, a surgeon who maims more patients than he heals or a plumber who keeps flooding his customers' homes."

Shadchan Breaks Copper Doors

Another interpretation is that the initials of shadchan imply "ki shiber dalasos nechoshes" — breaking copper doors. Many times, the sides hesitate as if building walls of iron and copper that prevent the shidduch from coming to fruition. But with Divine assistance, the intermediary takes the matter in hand and is successful in breaking the barriers and making the match work out. Again, it doesn't imply lying and manipulating forcefully. But with tact, encouragement, and patience, the go-between can be instrumental in bringing two strangers together.

Spiritual and Financial Blockages In a spiritual realm, there are also great obstructions that need to be broken. Those accusing forces are appeased by the distortions brought down in this world. The Sages taught us that blessing comes in a hidden way. Often there are innumerous obstacles in a major accomplishment. Rarely do shidduchim work out smoothly from the beginning until the engagement. There are usually elements of doubt and issues that need clarification, until the plate is broken in an explosion of joy.

The Chazon Ish mentioned what could happen then. It is not unheard of the happy couple and mechutanim suddenly pushing aside all the pains and complications that they had before the mazel tov. In the midst of the celebration, they overlook the hours spent on the phone on their behalf, juggling sides and handling at length the various concerns that came up at different stages of the shidduch. Besides failing to keep in mind all that she did for them, the lack of appreciation also leads them to forget to pay her! As if after all, what is she claiming to have done? All of a sudden, they don't understand why she needs to be remunerated; they look at her as an annoyance, and behave as if they don't understand what she wants from them!

Consequently, another interpretation occurs to me regarding sheker diber kesef notel, lying and taking money. It can also be interpreted as if she is accused of deceit not in terms of the actual dating period, but of exaggerating all that she did for them in order to demand payment.

Rebbetzin Travis has many years of experience and success in helping people through shiduchem. Please note that all names have been changed unless otherwise specified, with the exception of well-known public figures like Gedolim and educators. Any comments, questions and stories can be sent to: travisdn@013.net or at (02) 656-3111

 

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