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ASK THE SHADCHAN
Taking No for an Answer When the Shidduch Doesn't Work Out . . .

By Rebbetzen Nomi Travis

Question: "I'm considered an older girl. All my classmates are married. I've been dating for many years . . . They often criticize me for being too picky and are very disappointed when for one reason or another their suggestions don't work out. I feel criticized, put down, judged . . . "

Answer:

Can I truly empathize with the pain of others? Can I really put myself in the place of someone who has gone through the high expectations and emotional involvement of years on end in shidduchim?

You might think: "It's easy for you to write such an article. You're married." But as every single person in this world, I also have my trials. My goal in this article is certainly not to judge anyone or tell them what to do. I'm writing as a shadchan who tries to feel for others, with others.

I remember Craindel*, a sweet girl from a respected familiy, who was in shidduchim for many many years. She was always very appreciative of people who kept her in mind. The years were passing and if she didn't try almost every segula around, believe me, she tried all the ones she knew of. Going to the Kosel for 40 days, saying Shir Hashirim for 40 days, prayers from Chazal, gaonim, rishonim and acharonim . . . And she took shidduchim seriously. She really tried . . . She prayed with kavana, asked for advice on dating and inquiries, was realistic about what to look for, etc. Her relatives and married friends begged me and others to help find her mate.

One day, I suggested that she meet Igal*. Craindel was willing to meet him, even though she had certain hesitations.

From the beginning, Igal saw potential in the relationship, but Craindel had many doubts. In time, she started getting emotionally involved and excited about the relationship and eventually both expressed to me that they were ready to get engaged. Right before proposing, Igal said that his family wanted to meet Craindel. His mother imagined her only son married to a girl, who, in her opinion, would be prettier and she advised (insisted) that he break it off.

That phone call was very hard for me. I wouldn't say what caused Igal's sudden change of heart, but the message had to be given and as a shadchan I had to be the one to do so. Craindel's reaction was immediate and strong — after a second of silence I heard sobs from the other side of the line. By then, my eyes were also tearful . . .

Baruch Hashem, not long after, Igal met his bashert in a trip abroad. And a few months later, Craindel got engaged and was extremely happy. She admitted that she had never met anyone like her chosson. They came from different cultures but they shared, at the same time, a very deep communication, common values, respect and admiration for each other.

Craindel's experience taught me many lessons. I have seen it over and over in my life and in the life of my dear ones. As it says in Mishlei — "Many are the thoughts in people's heart, but Hashem's plan prevails." We might think — "It seems so clear that relationship would work out; I put so much effort into it, both have so much in common." We are not prophetic. All we can do is try our best and pray.

We might also wonder what could possibly be going on with the other person . . . How could he say no — she is so special. What is he waiting for? Is he realistic? Is he looking for someone perfect who doesn't even exist?

People like to give advice to shadchanim and even to blame them for whatever goes wrong: maybe you can push the match? Maybe you said too much (or too little)? How could I possibly decide what's best for someone or "push" someone into marriage when she has serious doubts? As far as what to say and what not to say, the matchmakers whom I know who are yirei Shamaim, constantly ask shailas and are very careful about the laws of shemiras haloshon and not causing onaas dvarim!

Unfortunately, after getting a negative answer often, one might think: "What's wrong with me? Why am I not married? Doesn't anyone want me?" That's not fair! Negativity is counter-productive. None of us is all great or all terrible. We all have middos that need work. We all have beautiful character traits and a lot to offer in a relationship.

I do recommend seeking blessings and advice of wise teachers and rebbeim. Family are pillars of strength and support, but they are so much with us through "thick and thin" that they can't always be fully objective. In Mesilas Yesharim it's written that this world is compared to a maze. We are in it and can't always see how to get safely to the other side. We try with trial and error. But one who is wiser, who has gone through it and has also helped others to come out, can see the view from above. He can see the quicker and better paths. The greater the person we turn to, the more Heavenly assistance Hashem gives him to help others.

We can often feel alone and not understood. Especially when we previously opened up and were judged, criticized, misunderstood. The more people I meet, the more I am amazed at how great our human resources are. We have innumerous wise people who, despite their busy schedules, deeply care and make time to help others.

Once a teacher told a friend of mine that now that she knows the problem was solved, she can have a better night of sleep. My friend was astonished. Her personal quandary wasn't a life or death situation, yet that woman, whom many turn to and who has, herself, a large family had her sleep disturbed because she cared so much for one of her many students!

Often those great wise people are humble and not even well known. Many of them don't hold a position in chinuch, but have tremendous life experience.

To just say it's a kapora or it's decreed from Heaven can be very painful for someone who is suffering. Sometimes a smile or a kind word is what they need. Sometimes they need their own space within which to cope and heal. But a prayer on their behalf is always helpful.

It's very important to have hope. Yes, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Hashem hasn't forgotten us! A difficult trial can seem almost impossible to overcome. But in order to be successful, we have to try to get up and keep going, no matter what. We were put into this world, wrote Rav Chaim Luzzato in Mesilas Yesharim, among other purposes, to overcome our trials Nobody can say that things are easy and rosy all the time . . .

Even if you're far from feeling "This, too, is for the best" - - pretend. During a painful period, it's hard to think rationally that from everything there is a lesson to be learned, that every challenge is a growing experience. But it's important to try anyway. Even when we don't see much hope, at least we should pretend to do so. Often we don't feel like giving, foregoing, smiling, etc. Nevertheless, it's worth trying to focus on others even when we don't feel like doing so.

How many times were we down and felt much more like giving up then carrying on? But we pretended, acted as if last night's dating fiasco didn't happen and pushed ourselves to go back to work, school, normal routine, etc. Focusing on external factors, giving to others, being busy with something else than our own pain can help bring the salvation closer. For if we can get past our own pain and do a kindness when it is difficult, then Hashem will, in kind, also be compassionate with us.

Someone recently told me that after many frustrating dating experiences, she decided to take a break. The initial break of a few days turned into weeks and months. Finally she told herself — yes, this is painful but do I want to get married or not? And back she went to the shidduchim scene — trying again to make an effort, to phone matchmakers, to make inquiries of suggestions, etc. A relative confided to me that during hard times, a gadol told her that one must keep on going. We are soldiers, Hashem expects things from us . . .

Anyway, Chazal said that in order to be happy, we have to be busy. Busy with mitzvos. Busy with achievement and growth. A person who is moving forward has a positive attitude. For even if you meet your intended mate, if you are sunk in depression and negativity you're not going to give the relationship a proper chance.

May Hashem bless us all with our hearts' wishes — for the best!

*Names are made up.

Rebbetzen Travis has many years of experience and success in helping people through shidduchim. Any comments, questions and stories can be sent to: travisdn@barak- online.net or at (02) 656-3111

 

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