Some children seem to be born with an aggressive streak in
them, others are softer, more gentle and less assertive.
Experts vie with each other to explain this trait and suggest
that either a child has been treated aggressively or maybe,
he has seen a great deal of friction and conflict at home.
Mostly, however, there is no known cause at all; the child is
born with this personality.
In non-Jewish circles, bullying is a very common phenomenon
in the classroom, beginning at a very early age.
Unfortunately, it occurs, though to a lesser degree, in our
schools, too. Particularly amongst boys, there are normally
some conflicts and tensions of different kinds. There are
also slightly aggressive interactions, partly for fun, as a
form of self-assertion and also for testing out strength
relations amongst the boys.
If there is a potential bully (or several) amongst a group,
this will influence the boys' activities. The interaction
will be rough, more vehement, and probably more violent. The
irascible temperament of the bully, his marked tendency to
assert himself and to dominate and subdue other boys, will
make themselves strongly felt. Even minor adversities and
frustrations lead to intense reactions which often assume an
aggressive form, because of his inclination to use violent
means in conflicts. Due to the physical strength of the
bully, his attacks are unpleasant and painful to others.
If there is a potential victim in the class, anxious, fearful
of being assertive, and often weaker as well, he will soon be
discovered by the bully. He is the one who does not retaliate
when attacked, who becomes afraid and perhaps cries, and is
unwilling or perhaps unable to ward off attacks even by
fairly harmless antagonists. He is often rather alone and
isolated and does not take part in rough games with other
boys. An ideal target. Anxiousness, defenselessness and
crying give the bully a marked feeling of superiority and
supremacy.
The bully usually wants others to join him, and soon induces
his closest friends to participate in tormenting the other
child and even to do his work for him. There is always
something in the looks, clothing or manners of the victim
which can be attacked and it is equally pleasant for the
bully to see others doing his work of harassment for him or
to do it himself. Come to that, there is something in most of
us which can be used as a target for baiting by bullies, but
fortunately, we teach and learn good character traits from an
early age.
What can parents of the victim do? A child comes home in
tears from nursery school or kindergarten. In a home where
shemiras haloshon is stressed repeatedly, he will say,
"A boy took my lunch away and hit me," without mentioning any
name. Now Mother is in a quandary. She can ask whether there
are any others in the class who also suffer, and the child
might inform her that there is, indeed, another boy, or
perhaps two others, who suffer daily, too.
Frequently, the mother will have a pretty good idea as to who
the perpetrator is, but it is difficult to ask the child
because of the issur of loshon hora. At this
age, it is essential that teachers are informed, and that
they put a stop to this kind of behavior. They may be unaware
of the situation, for as they are only human, their eyes
cannot be everywhere. Moreover, they do not encourage
talebearing and constant wailing and complaining about
others.
Older brothers who are often fiercely protective of their
siblings and who notice that a teacher does not treat the
situation seriously, might threaten the bully vociferously
with retribution if the behavior is not discontinued
immediately. This usually has the desired effect with very
young children.
As the victim becomes older, the parents might discover that
their child is excluded from the peer group and is being
bullied. They will naturally increase their efforts to
benefit their child, but an overprotective attitude will
increase the child's isolation. Informing the staff or
principal of the situation is often counter-productive and
may result in even more harassment.
The boy needs an ally or two in the class, but because
socially excluded children are often not very adept or
skilled in their efforts at social contact, parents must give
detailed suggestions as how to initiate the contact. The
child needs a lot of support and encouragement, because due
to earlier failures, he will give up at the slightest hint of
adversity.
Adults at the school are often not aware of the state of
affairs, as they are not in the vicinity when the bullying
occurs. In the same way as when the child was younger, if the
victim informs on his tormentors, he is told to stop telling
tales. Some of his peers with better middos are afraid
of befriending and protecting the victim. They are afraid of
incurring contempt and disapproval and fearful of becoming
victims themselves and a target of harassment, so the child
becomes more and more isolated.
Parents are subjected to strong pressures from their son not
to contact the school, for fear of reprisals. He says he is
"afraid of getting his tormentors into trouble" or that he
has been threatened with more bullying if he dares to tell.
It is best if parents can secure the child's consent but at
the same time, it is so obvious that bullied children are
petrified of the consequences that parents might think they
are doing the right thing for their boy in complying with his
wishes and entreaties not to interfere.
What can parents of a bully do? Theories abound, but in
practice, they can do very little. Discussion and open
talking is the first step. Unfortunately, it is known that
the families of the bully and the victim are not always on
the best of terms. It is often appropriate for the teacher or
headmaster to arrange a meeting with the parents of both
children, and to include the children in this meeting. Not
all bullies are `bad' boys. If they are made aware of how
hurtful their behavior is, and of the law not to do unto
others what you would not like done to yourself, some of them
may desist. On the other hand, some might increase their
obnoxious behavior outside school premises. It is a fact that
most bullying takes place on the way to and from school. Once
a teacher has intervened in the bully/victim situation, he
will have a special duty to protect the victim.
Teachers can do a good deal in the classroom. They can
`brainstorm' amongst the boys, writing ideas on the board.
The first most obvious one: "We do not allow bullying in the
classroom." "We will not associate with bullies." Teacher can
type out a list of rules and get each boy in the class to
sign them.
Grouping the class can be helpful, but it is not advisable to
put the bully and the victim in the same group. Nor a bully
and his follower, a passive bully. In the grouping, the
victim might make friends and acquire allies in the class.
Teacher can take a couple of boys to be in `his' group, so
that in this way he can single out the bullies for special
attention. However, the teacher must observe the groups
closely to see how each boy gets on in the individual
groups.
Having written these few lines, I realize that the problem is
not solved in the least. It is highly desirable that parents
contact the school if they know or suspect that the child is
having problems. As a last resort, a victim should be moved
to another school, away from his tormentor (although there is
no guarantee that he will not encounter the identical problem
at the new school).
A bully must suffer sanctions and punishment of some kind,
although never corporal punishment. This will be counter-
productive.
May we all have the sagacity to deal with children's problems
correctly, both as parents and as teachers.
