Can it be that there are certain seasons during the year that
are more likely to result in baby boys being born than baby
girls? How else can we explain why some months we don't
receive even one bar mitzva invitation while other months
find us booked with a few invitations per week? Seems like
we're in the thick of bar mitzva season now, so here are some
tips on how to -- and how not to -- make a bar mitzva.
The year that my oldest son was turning thirteen, I appointed
him `spy' to his friends' bar mitzvas and debriefed him when
he returned. WHO was there -- classmates, relatives,
neighbors and school administration or just classmates for a
seudas chaverim? WHAT was the schedule for the evening
- - were there speeches (who spoke?), singing and/or dancing
(was there music? Live or taped?)? WHAT was served? Based on
the answers, one can get a general feeling for the standards
of the particular circles in which you and your son travel,
and then if you want to adapt things here or there, at least
you have a baseline.
IT DOES NOT PAY in terms of finances, emotional energy, and
ayin hora to try to shoot for a bar mitzva where the
guests will rave, "WOW!" "I've never seen such a fancy bar
mitzva!" Who needs it? If you aim for an average affair, one
that won't embarrass your son in the eyes of his friends but
that won't strain your budget or your nerves, you'll
hopefully have a true, relaxed simcha.
Now -- on to the details in chronological order:
TEFILLIN must be ordered in advance. How much in advance
depends on the particular sofer whom you use, how much
in demand he is, and how much of a backload he has. When you
tell him the date by which you need the tefillin,
figure in an extra two months for checking them and for the
custom of having your son putting them on a month (or more!)
before the bar mitzva.
A nice touch is to let the bar mitzva boy pick out his own
tefillin bag. Actually, whenever and wherever I could,
I consulted my son for his opinion. (And don't forget the
plastic protective zip bag.) If the boy's full name is
embroidered on the bag, there is a better chance of it being
returned to him quickly when misplaced anywhere. I must admit
that I can't figure why people only put initials. Are they
overconfident or just stingy? Anyone know?
When we were looking around to book a HALL, the first one we
asked had already been taken... nine months in advance! All
for the best. The shul we eventually got was half the
price and more conveniently located.
Questions to ask the hall are whether or not they provide
tablecloths. (We borrowed from a gemach. More about
that later). A hot plate? We thought we'd need one for the
Yerushalmi kugel, but when we heated it up at home for eight
hours, as recommended, prior to the bar mitzva, it no longer
needed to be kept hot.
How many tables and chairs does the hall have or will you
need to borrow from a gemach? How much are you
expected to clean up afterwards?
In your trusty bar mitzva notebook or looseleaf, which you
will save for the future, start accumulating addresses for
invitations: one section for relatives, here and abroad, you -
your husband's side, neighbors (we just went through our
local directory, writing down names and addresses), rabbonim
and friends -- in different cities and abroad. We also hung
up invitations in shul in case we forgot anyone.
FOOD
Will you have it catered, do it all yourself and rely on
neighbors' cakes, or a combination? [You may want to have a
friend in charge of coordinating x-amount of cakes, to be
delivered the day before, or make your own list.]
Many people make a seudas mitzva for the extended
family, then have a reception of approximately three hours
worth for friends and neighbors dropping in, wishing Mazel
Tov, having something to eat, and leaving, to make room for
others. That's the way it's done in Eretz Yisroel,
heimish and practical.
Some schools prefer seudas chaverim separately, either
before the reception for adults or on a different day,
probably in your own home. If you plan to have the class or
the family on the same night as the reception, make sure to
leave time to clean up after and set up before the
reception.
PHOTOS
Will you be hiring a photographer or saving money by
appointing someone to do it yourself? For do-it-yourself-
ers, spend the extra five shekel and get the 400 film instead
of the usual 100 or 200 film. It makes a difference.
We got the family dressed up a few days before the bar mitzva
and leisurely took photos. Make sure to get at least one shot
of each child individually -- let the siblings feel important
too! By taking photos early, it was one less thing to worry
about on the day of the bar mitzva. Ideas for photo groupings
are: Bar Mitzva boy holding Tefillin bag, Bar Mitzva boy with
parents, with brothers, with sisters, with all siblings, with
entire family. With Bubbie and Zeidy or any other relative
who came for the simcha.
CLOTHES
It pays to first check out second-hand places /
gemachim to see what they've got. Perhaps friends
whose sons have quickly outgrown their first suit. If you
can't find anything there and need to shell out money for new
clothes, try to get outfits that are suitable for Shabbos,
too, so at least you'll get your money's worth. We had been
told not to get the Bar Mitzva boy's suit more than a
few weeks in advance, as at that age, boys grow fast and he
might outgrow it. If you have to check for shaatnez and do
alterations, you can't cut it too close, either. Good
luck.
TABLECLOTHS
Gemachim prefer you to put plastic tablecloths on top.
Now the following seems obvious, but make sure you get clear
plastic, not white, and not have to have a horrified guest
run out to buy the clear kind at the last minute (as happened
to me). Stock up on lots of cups, especially in summer.
Be sure to FEED your family a decent meal before the
reception (at home, if you're not having the family seudas
mitzva at the hall) so they won't be hungry and kvetchy.
A friend of mine makes a large pot of boiled potatoes. NO
KETCHUP! They're filling but don't leave stains on shirts and
dresses.
WHAT TO SERVE -- SOME TIPS
Cakes and cookies can be baked and frozen quite a bit in
advance, so I found it convenient to do the baking myself.
When friends ask if there was something they could do to
help, I'd promptly say, "Yes -- egg salad! I'll bring you the
eggs the week of the Bar Mitzva." That way, I figured they
wouldn't forget, I wouldn't feel guilty about their paying
for the ingredients and I wouldn't have to deal with and
store the egg / cucumber / carrot salad the week of the Bar
Mitzva when I was busy with other things.
Don't transport your cakes on prepared platters to the hall,
balanced on the seats of a car service. When the door of the
car opens and the beautifully arranged platter topples into
the gutter, you'll know why. Keep them in clean shallow boxes
from the greengrocer. Make sure the bottoms are clean; if the
boxes are of uniform size, you can stack them.
Throughout the planning and preparation period, pray to
Hashem that everything go smoothly. I have a cousin who feels
so pressured that she tends to attempt too much. This last
time, she told herself: Prioritize. Can this wait until after
the Bar Mitzva? In this way, she had lists of what HAD to be
done and what could wait. The list itself calmed her down
since it was `out of her hand' but recorded so she would not
forget.
Many first-time mothers worry that no one will show up for
the Bar mitzva or there won't be enough food. Well, if
there's not enough food, it means that people did come, and
if no one comes (extremely unlikely), at least you'll have
enough food!
If you have voice mail or an answering machine, consider not
answering the phone on the day of the Bar Mitzva. It's likely
someone calling to say they can't come but want to wish you
Mazel Tov. Well, we were very busy, and preferred to hear all
the good wishes by voice mail. Just make sure you check the
messages so as not to miss important ones, like deliveries
etc.
If your affair is being catered, find out if the price
includes setting up tables, serving and clearing them
afterwards. Remember the tea party in Alice in Wonderland?
Well, I once attended a Bar Mitzva where the food was good
but the waiters couldn't keep up with clearing the tables,
and the used dishes were piling up in the middle of the
tables and people had to scrounge around for something
untouched to eat and eat from.
We had our own children serve, girls for the ladies and boys
for the men. The advantages of large families. Sometimes, it
pays to hire two waiters so that you and the family can ENJOY
your simcha and receive your respective guests.
WHAT WILL THE BAR MITZVA BOY DO?
Some lein, some say a drosho, some read the
haftorah and others do all or neither. Help your son
make the wisest decision for him.
As for gifts, I think it is nice to acknowledge them, with at
least a one-line note, so as he opens them, keep a list of
who gave what. Regarding money gifts, some parents use it to
defray the cost of the simcha, while others prefer to
put it away in a savings plan for his future wedding. In one
family, the boy is permitted to keep a tenth to spend as he
needs.
A great deal of thought and effort leads up to the actual
celebration. When you're there accepting your guests' good
wishes and blessings, you feel that each person who comes is
honoring the family with his/her presence. This is a very
special time that makes it all worth it. My husband summed up
our first bar mitzva, saying, "If non-religious people only
knew how sweet true Yiddishe nachas can be, they'd be
running to become frum."
So, here's wishing you happy preparations and... Much
Yiddishe Nachas!
