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22 Kislev 5764 - December 17, 2003 | Mordecai Plaut, director Published Weekly
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Home and Family


Your Little Boy is My Daughter's Husband
by Tzvia Ehrlich Klein

It doesn't really matter the age. Our little boys, our budding talmidei chachomim -- so sweet, so pure, and working so hard in cheider -- of course allowances just have to be made.

At six years of age: "My little tzaddik looks so cute when he davens. And he already reads from the siddur so beautifully. Zeidy z'l would have been so proud to see him!"

At eight: "Such a little boy, but he comes home so late from cheider! He almost never has enough time to just play and enjoy himself, poor thing..."

At age ten: "Chaim, come back here and put away your briefcase! Chaim? Chaim! Leah'le, put Chaim's briefcase away in the closet so we don't trip over it, please."

At fifteen: "Chaim, why didn't you help Leah? You know it was your turn to clear the table this Shabbos..." Yet, somehow or other, we seem not to really notice it when Leah ends up being the one to finish clearing off the table all by herself.

Our little boys, our budding talmidei chachomim... so sweet, and working so hard. We excuse the fact that they don't help clear away their dishes when the meal is done, and we don't demand that they return to the kitchen to wash that dirty glass they left on the counter. If they forget to take out the garbage, it's not so terrible. We, or more probably, Leahle, can do it. Rarely do we hold our little boys responsible for running back to the store to get us one more thing because, after all... the excuses just leap to the mind.

But our daughters? "Sara'le, get back here this instant! You are not going out to play until you've put away all the toys and straightened your room!" "Dina! Again you forgot to take out the garbage? You can't live life like this: a person has to be responsible."

"Rachel! Is that the way you sweep under the table? Come back here and do it again immediately!"

Sounds familiar? If not in your house, then in your next- door neighbor's? An outsider looking in usually sees a vast difference in the way mothers speak to and relate to their male and female children. And I don't mean in actions alone.

Moishele's wild behavior is often overlooked, where Nechamale's moods are strongly discouraged. Though all are forbidden to talk chutzpadik, somehow it's not so horrendous if Moishele unfortunately allows such a statement to slip out of his mouth.

Ever notice how we hardly notice, or at least, rarely correct, our sons when they forget to say, "Please" and "Thank you"? But Miriam? She wasn't raised in a barnyard, so she should know better.

"Channie, when you get back from the grocery store, please take little Itzie outside for an hour or so to keep him busy. Don't worry, you'll have time to finish your homework afterwards." But Yosef?

Why must Rifkale spend Shabbos afternoon babysitting for her younger siblings, but Yaakov doesn't have to -- he is free to play all Shabbos afternoon with his friends, often just hanging around outside doing nothing at all?

When little boys grow up and go off to sleep in yeshiva, the differences become even more pronounced. Now our little Prince comes home so rarely that we need to let him just sleep, or just sit at the Shabbos table without helping at all. After all, he's home so infrequently.

So hearing Yehuda tell Tova to get him the ketchup while both are in the middle of their Shabbos meal doesn't evoke any response from us. In fact, it is probable that we have actually put the boys' seats against the far wall and the girls' mokom kovua within easy access to the kitchen.

By this time, you may be asking, "So what? What's so terrible about all this? Dovid does come back much later from cheider than Pnina returns from school, and Shira is the one who needs practice running a home for the future. And besides, Yissochor is so rarely at home from yeshiva that he is really almost like a guest."

Yes, that is all true. But, mothers, please do remember that your son is going to be my daughter's husband!

And if Shlomo doesn't think that it is natural for him to get up and get the pickles from the refrigerator when he suddenly feels like having one during the meal, and if he would never dream of asking if he should pick up another container of milk on his way back from Kollel, or, or, or...

If actively participating in the family's life isn't part of his thinking process, if thoughtfulness and consideration weren't part of his childhood education, then life will not be so pleasant for my daughter. Why should she be the one who has to "make a thing" about the fact that he doesn't answer when she asks him a question, or be the one to have to "train" him to pick up his socks and put them in the dirty laundry hamper?

Talmidei chachomim throughout the ages helped their wives by washing floors in their homes in honor of the approaching Shabbos [or even cleaning and cooking the fish]. And gedolim are known for being considerate and thoughtful to their wives as well as to everyone else. But your little Chaimke shouldn't have to `know from' hanging up his jacket or making an egg?

Particularly in this generation, when girls are B'H having large families and often working at an outside job as well so that their husbands can remain in Kollel, it behooves all mothers to remember to educate their darling little boys so that when they grow up, they will know how to become top quality husbands.

Like my son-in-law.

 

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