It doesn't really matter the age. Our little boys, our
budding talmidei chachomim -- so sweet, so pure, and
working so hard in cheider -- of course allowances
just have to be made.
At six years of age: "My little tzaddik looks so cute
when he davens. And he already reads from the
siddur so beautifully. Zeidy z'l would have
been so proud to see him!"
At eight: "Such a little boy, but he comes home so late from
cheider! He almost never has enough time to just play
and enjoy himself, poor thing..."
At age ten: "Chaim, come back here and put away your
briefcase! Chaim? Chaim! Leah'le, put Chaim's briefcase away
in the closet so we don't trip over it, please."
At fifteen: "Chaim, why didn't you help Leah? You know it was
your turn to clear the table this Shabbos..." Yet, somehow or
other, we seem not to really notice it when Leah ends up
being the one to finish clearing off the table all by
herself.
Our little boys, our budding talmidei chachomim... so
sweet, and working so hard. We excuse the fact that they
don't help clear away their dishes when the meal is done, and
we don't demand that they return to the kitchen to wash that
dirty glass they left on the counter. If they forget to take
out the garbage, it's not so terrible. We, or more probably,
Leahle, can do it. Rarely do we hold our little boys
responsible for running back to the store to get us one more
thing because, after all... the excuses just leap to the
mind.
But our daughters? "Sara'le, get back here this instant! You
are not going out to play until you've put away all the toys
and straightened your room!" "Dina! Again you forgot to take
out the garbage? You can't live life like this: a person has
to be responsible."
"Rachel! Is that the way you sweep under the table? Come back
here and do it again immediately!"
Sounds familiar? If not in your house, then in your next-
door neighbor's? An outsider looking in usually sees a vast
difference in the way mothers speak to and relate to their
male and female children. And I don't mean in actions
alone.
Moishele's wild behavior is often overlooked, where
Nechamale's moods are strongly discouraged. Though all are
forbidden to talk chutzpadik, somehow it's not so
horrendous if Moishele unfortunately allows such a statement
to slip out of his mouth.
Ever notice how we hardly notice, or at least, rarely
correct, our sons when they forget to say, "Please" and
"Thank you"? But Miriam? She wasn't raised in a barnyard, so
she should know better.
"Channie, when you get back from the grocery store, please
take little Itzie outside for an hour or so to keep him busy.
Don't worry, you'll have time to finish your homework
afterwards." But Yosef?
Why must Rifkale spend Shabbos afternoon babysitting for her
younger siblings, but Yaakov doesn't have to -- he is free to
play all Shabbos afternoon with his friends, often just
hanging around outside doing nothing at all?
When little boys grow up and go off to sleep in yeshiva, the
differences become even more pronounced. Now our little
Prince comes home so rarely that we need to let him just
sleep, or just sit at the Shabbos table without helping at
all. After all, he's home so infrequently.
So hearing Yehuda tell Tova to get him the ketchup while both
are in the middle of their Shabbos meal doesn't evoke any
response from us. In fact, it is probable that we have
actually put the boys' seats against the far wall and the
girls' mokom kovua within easy access to the
kitchen.
By this time, you may be asking, "So what? What's so terrible
about all this? Dovid does come back much later from
cheider than Pnina returns from school, and Shira is
the one who needs practice running a home for the future. And
besides, Yissochor is so rarely at home from yeshiva that he
is really almost like a guest."
Yes, that is all true. But, mothers, please do remember that
your son is going to be my daughter's husband!
And if Shlomo doesn't think that it is natural for him to get
up and get the pickles from the refrigerator when he suddenly
feels like having one during the meal, and if he would never
dream of asking if he should pick up another container of
milk on his way back from Kollel, or, or, or...
If actively participating in the family's life isn't part of
his thinking process, if thoughtfulness and consideration
weren't part of his childhood education, then life will not
be so pleasant for my daughter. Why should she be the one who
has to "make a thing" about the fact that he doesn't answer
when she asks him a question, or be the one to have to
"train" him to pick up his socks and put them in the dirty
laundry hamper?
Talmidei chachomim throughout the ages helped their
wives by washing floors in their homes in honor of the
approaching Shabbos [or even cleaning and cooking the fish].
And gedolim are known for being considerate and
thoughtful to their wives as well as to everyone else. But
your little Chaimke shouldn't have to `know from' hanging up
his jacket or making an egg?
Particularly in this generation, when girls are B'H having
large families and often working at an outside job as well so
that their husbands can remain in Kollel, it behooves all
mothers to remember to educate their darling little boys so
that when they grow up, they will know how to become top
quality husbands.
Like my son-in-law.