Ever notice how the Torah seems to direct us towards living a
life where we notice, and pay attention to details? Lots and
lots of details. Even the smallest of the small; things that
seem to be the most insignificant of things. Yes, it appears
that the Torah is teaching us that we should train ourselves
to think that nothing is to be ignored or consigned to the
"capable of being ignored / I don't-need-to- notice-that"
pile.
I guess that being oblivious isn't a Jewish goal. Yes, we are
encouraged to cross the street rather than walk in front of a
building dedicated to avoda zoro, and to avert our
eyes when seeing anything that is lacking in modesty. But to
do these things, we must be aware of what is in front of our
faces -- or at least what will soon be there.
With some things, it is easier to do than with others. I am
neat and clean, so to me it is second nature to wipe down a
counter-top every time I use it. This keeps the kitchen
looking nice, no matter what is going on in the sink. And it
also keeps gook off the bottom of my otherwise clean plates.
Concurrently, I believe it trains me to be responsible for
the results of my actions. To go through life dropping things
without picking them up or spilling things without mopping
them up doesn't seem the best way to foster responsibility in
anyone.
Sometimes, being aware of details is not so simple. Though I
can try to be careful not to hurt or insult anyone, sometimes
it is easy to forget. Paying attention to details such as the
fact that Mrs. X just lost her job or that Mrs. Y has not yet
had any children can keep me from inadvertently causing them
pain. But keeping these details in mind when sitting together
in public at a simcha or other occasion can be more
difficult, though perhaps even a greater mitzva. Can
there be a bigger chessed than rerouting a
conversation that could easily cause another person sitting
there discomfort, embarrassment or pain?
Which brings me to the confusion of chessed and all
kinds of details. It is a kindness to tell your child, whom
you are sending to the grocery store, anyway, to offer to buy
a fresh milk or challa for Mrs. J. on Friday so that
she doesn't have to go out especially for it. And it is
certainly a big kindness to offer to bring someone else's
child home from school, too, if you are going that way,
anyway. And remembering to invite guests, especially
unmarried ones, early in the week so that they know what they
are doing for Shabbos or Yomtov, and also have the chance to
feel wanted, vs. the last-minute chap-a- mitzva is
certainly admirable.
But where, I wonder, is the border between doing a favor for
someone and at the same time causing someone else pain?
We all know stories of people bringing meals to shut-ins
while their own children return from school to a home in
which their mother is harried from just getting in and the
table is not yet set for their lunch, which is a nice way to
make someone feel that their arrival is joyfully
anticipated.
And we all know of people who make hospital visits when they
haven't sat down to play with their own children for weeks
due to lack of time. Or people who are careful to
daven in front of a wall in shul so that they
shouldn't get distracted, but fail to realize that they are
blocking the doorway so no one can go in or out.
But what about those situations when a neighbor asks if their
married son can sleep at your home with his two-year- old and
a baby so they don't have to walk over on Shabbos, yet they
forget to ensure that someone will watch the two- year-old
while his parents are napping in your home, or make
provisions to bring the baby to their house if he starts
screaming all night?
Do the men and boys who are helping a `store front' shul set
up for a kiddush by lugging tables and benches late at
night realize how loudly the noise they make reverberates in
a sleeping neighborhood? Or how disturbing the happy talking,
laughing and car doors slamming can be after late night
weddings?
Do we ever stop to think that even our chessed has to
be looked at in terms of all those extra details which may be
surrounding it?
A neighbor frequently pitching in to babysit for a young
mother (after all, one more in our brood won't make a
difference) might not realize that by being so readily
available, it could be making the girl's own mother look bad
in comparison.
And telling a person who lives alone that we'll bring
something "right over" when we really mean "within the next
hour or so" or when we stop to answer the phone on our way
out and thus leave the house 10-15 minutes later, means that
we are not only not being accurate, but that we may also be
causing the person discomfort.
How? With no one else around to open the door, if you're
"coming soon," the person is basically forced into limbo
until you arrive. They can't finish davening or get
involved in making a cake or hang up laundry out on the porch
etc. if you could arrive any minute. They can't even make a
phone call because perhaps you'll arrive just when Aunt Sara
begins a litany of her latest troubles, or they've finally
reached the party they've been waiting to speak to for weeks.
Without some kind of an accurate time frame, such a person is
literally restricted to hanging around their front door,
waiting for you. (If they're at the back of the house or
hanging laundry on the porch, perhaps they won't hear the
buzzer!) The list of possibilities is endless if you are
expected to arrive "any minute!"
How can we know or anticipate any of these things? I guess we
can't, really. All we can do is to look around us and try to
see the details, try to be considerate, and then pray that
our chessed doesn't hurt anyone.
