We were most gratified to receive the following feedback with
its very healthy Torah-dik outlook on Histapkus, sufficiency
and simplicity and living within one's means. Fortunate those
who can really live up to these noble values!
From Mrs. D.,
I was extremely disturbed by the article this week about
collecting for Hachnossas Kalla. There were a number of
points I disagreed with, but the overall theme of the article
upset me enough to take the time to write.
The premise was that it is admirable to collect Hachnossas
Kalla money for people you know who have wedding expenses.
[Ed. Pardon, but she ONLY does this for special cases, and
only 1-2 a year.] I felt the article flippantly called for
asking people for donations whenever there seemed to be some
shortage of funds in a family marrying off a child.
Taking money for tzedoka is a very serious issue.
Hashem expects us to be very careful with other people's
money, especially when there is a limited amount that we each
have available for tzedoka. When we take money for one
certain cause, there will be less money for others. The
attitude of this article was that any woman on her own should
run out and go knocking on doors to help her friend with
difficult expenses. There were even tips on how to prey on
people's sympathies (e.g. to collect in the rain or on
Friday).
Hachnossas Kalla money is not just money to help people who
are getting married spend whatever they want. It is money to
help those who can't afford the necessities. It is for
reasons such as the attitude that pervade the article that
there have been organizations in most Jewish cities to check
out if collectors' needs are legitimate, so we can make our
limited resources go to the best cause.
Without even addressing the issue of whether the expenses
mentioned in the article were really necessary, I feel it was
extremely irresponsible to make a public statement calling
for women to go collecting from their friends and neighbors
without any research or serious thought. [Ed. Who implied
that?] I feel it is an abuse of Klall Yisroel's generous
nature that robs the community of money that is needed to go
to real causes. If the unassuming neighbors give money to a
collection that isn't really tzedoka, they are not
getting the mitzva.
As a side point, I think we as a community have come to
assume that we have an unalienable right to certain things.
This attitude is peculiar to our generation. In the past,
people generally knew that they had to live within their
means. Suddenly, we have collectively decided that we have a
certain lifestyle, that we need to find the means for it at
all costs, including accepting charity. The article was a
case in point.
The author at the end reminds us not to be judgmental. She
says that to some people, a silver menora is really important
(and so, presumably, a worthy reason to go collecting from
neighbors). She mentions that a woman needed $20,000 to marry
off her daughter, another woman needed $400 for mattresses,
friends decided that a girl in a difficult situation needed a
vort in a hall etc. I really can't understand how any
of those are needs.
I certainly don't call any of those extravagances, if you can
afford them! But one can certainly live a happy, productive
and not even austere life without them. It is a horrible
weakness that we can't just say `no' to ourselves and our
children and our mechutonim when we don't have the
means.
I am not speaking down to anyone. I come from a very normal
middle class family and so does my husband. No one ever
considered us poor or felt sorry for us. Still, our wedding
in Israel, including expenses for setting up house, was well
under $20,000. I bought used beds for the rented apartment.
No one got new dresses for the wedding; they either wore nice
Shabbos dresses or borrowed. My vort was at home. My
husband lights a silver plated menora. We are really happy
and so are our parents and not the object of anyone's pity.
Over the years, when we were able to afford it, we added on
nicer things to our house.
There is a halocho that a rich man who lost his money
is supposed to be supported according to his previous
standards, but that doesn't mean that anyone can decide
they're rich because they want to have those standards.
As far as I am concerned, if you've got the money, go all
out. But if you don't, then work on being satisfied with your
lot. Certainly, at least think very carefully if you are
supposed to be accepting money, or if maybe you can do
without and leave the charity for the really needy.
*
Ed. The above letter makes very valid points, but the writer
is overreacting and, I am afraid, not being realistic, as far
as dictating to children and future mechutonim the
norms and standards of today's living.
Can we turn the clock back to pre-phone, pre-washing machine
and primus days?
More next week.
We encourage our readers to pen their opinions on this vital
issue. Fax to 02-5387998, or write to Weinbach, Panim Meirot
1, Jerusalem, or email to yatedmp@netvision.net.il.
AND, TO ADD TO OUR IMPORTANT HELP LIST:
Ohr Belitta at 02-9921705 will supplement pots and pans to
needy eligible Kallos.
