A child who feels good about himself doesn't feel the need to
attack others. There seem to be three main causes for
aggression. One is jealousy. The small child is jealous and
doesn't know how to cope with this anger, so he lashes out at
others. An older child who has the appropriate language might
be able to express his feelings but hitting is much easier!
The fighting instinct is a second cause for aggression. It is
a sort of valve which bursts when a child is dissatisfied
with something in his life.
Lack of discipline or too much discipline also produce an
aggressive child. Lack of discipline? Children need
direction and boundaries; they need to know that parents
expect them to keep within certain limits. `Loved' and
overindulged children are frequently the ones who cause the
trouble in the park! They are not getting what they need and
so they are dissatisfied with themselves.
As said, aggressive children do not feel good about
themselves. They do not like the person they are, and the
worse their aggression, the less they will be liked by
others. This article is not about a bully; it is about small
children who attack others. In the same way as some children
are boisterous, happy or placid from birth, others are much
more difficult to please. Thus, people in the same family
with the same upbringing will differ in their needs and
expectations.
If there is just one aggressive child in a large family, it
is a challenge to the parents to find out what is bothering
him and to try and help. These children need a great deal of
physical activity to get rid of their pent-up anger. One
family bought a trampoline especially for their aggressive
child, and it was a veritable boon to everyone. Furthermore,
aggressive children need physical contact. If Father holds
both his hands while talking to him, the child feels he
exists. He doesn't need to use negative behavior to show he
is there.
Parents find it difficult to accept the fact that they have
this less-than- perfect child. However, they must support him
and teach him coping skills before he becomes an agressive
teenager, and following that, an aggressive adult.
Besides the aggressor, there is always the victim. How do we
help him?
There are two kinds of victims. One hits back, gives as good
as he gets and often prevails over the attacker. Of course,
we cannot be sure that this was just an innocent victim. He
may have started it in the first place by a sly pinch, or a
teasing word. It is difficult to know just who starts these
fights and often wiser to let children sort it out for
themselves. The victim may be just as much to blame but is
astute enough to push the blame on the other child.
The other type of victim never hits back and just swallows
hard or goes crying to whoever is in authority. Do we teach
him to hit back? Opinions differ about this. Do we teach a
pacifist child to be pugilistic? A personal opinion is to
praise the child for his self restaint and patience. At this
moment, the child needs words of praise and encouragement.
Admittedly, he was afraid and that is why he did not
retaliate, not because of this extraordinary character trait
of self control, for which he is being praised. But he will
not argue with the positive attitude, and next time, or even
only next year, he will refrain from hitting back out of
choice, and not out of weakness.
When a child comes to tell you that someone hit him, he
usually wants an audience and sympathy, yet most children do
not want interference. He will object if you offer to go to
speak to the aggressor's mother. It is as if you were saying
that he doesn't have the power to fight his own battles. When
an adult tells you that your own child is the aggressor, make
quite sure that the evidence is not through the eyes of his
son! Be sure that he actually saw the incident with his own
eyes. Children fantasize and exaggerate (don't we all?) and
happenings are often blown up out of all proportion.
How do we handle children who bite, kick or scratch?
Biting usually manifests itself from the age of about 18
months till about three. At this age, children do not always
have the vocabulary they need to obtain what they want, and
make use of their animal instincts. Some people advocate
biting back to show the child how much it hurts! This does
not solve anything, nor does shouting at him or punishing him
help solve the problem.
First of all, Mother or Teacher has to separate the biter and
his victim. Comfort the latter and show the former that she
loves him and knows he's upset, but that a bite hurts very
much. Take the disputed toy away from the combatants, and sit
down together with them. She has to tell the biter that she
knows he is angry, but biting is not the way to get
things.
She might demonstrate, holding out her hand and saying,
"Please give me your truck for a minute. Here is my car."
They will exchange toys. This game can continue for a while
but will certainly not solve the biting problem immediately.
He might bite again the next day and the day after that.
A suitable punishment is to stick a bandaid over his mouth,
only for a moment or two, hugging him at the same time and
telling him all the time that you love him but he mustn't
bite. If a child bites the other child's garment without
leaving teeth marks in the skin, that seems to be a form of
teething. It is not real aggression and the phase doesn't
last long.
The obvious treatment for a child who kicks is to remove his
shoes. If a child scratches others, cut his nails very short.
Tell him you know it isn't comfortable, but nails are not
there to hurt other people. Finally, if you want to restrain
a small child from any form of aggression, get behind him and
then hold him in a bear hug. Do not hold him in a
stranglehold, but firmly enough to prevent him from moving,
yet at the same time showing him that you love him.
In the end, all children thrive on limits. They need to know
that there are boundaries beyond which they cannot go.
