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4 Tammuz 5764 - June 23, 2004 | Mordecai Plaut, director Published Weekly
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Produced and housed by
Shema Yisrael Torah Network
Shema Yisrael Torah Network

Opinion & Comment
Yes, But We're Different

by Rabbi Nosson Z. Grossman

Part II

In the first part, Rabbi Grossman noted that there is a relatively new kind of person, whose lifestyle is chareidi and who self-identifies socially as a chareidi, but who is not really a chareidi in crucial respects. Being chareidi isn't just a matter of belonging to a club. It is an exalted way of life involving more of an ongoing internal process -- self-discipline, working on character, advancement in Torah and in yiras Shomayim -- than external appearance.

Distance Yourselves

This reinforces the importance of separating ourselves from our errant brethren, which past and present gedolei Yisroel zt'l, and ylct'a have stressed. We have been taught that, living as we do in a secular state, in a liberal and hedonistic atmosphere where denial of Hashem is rampant, we must constantly remind ourselves that we are different in every possible way.

The sharp increase in recent years in the trials involved in ordinary day-to-day life makes it even more important that we maintain a healthy and positive attitude to our spiritual goals, which we must work on within ourselves and also convey to others.

A person might be successful in steering clear of direct influences from the secular world but still encounter them indirectly through the various routes by which they gain access to chareidi society, not the least frequent of which are the new chareidim. These individuals really only have to look within themselves to discover the reason for the social problems that they sometimes encounter. It is sad and painful, but unavoidable, that sincere effort to protect oneself and one's family from harmful influences at times involves holding those in our close proximity at arms' length.

The Rambam writes, "It is human nature to be drawn after [the conduct of] the people amongst whom one lives" (Hilchos Dei'os 6:1). Discrimination in determining the company one's family keeps is vital when attempting to inculcate the inner mechanisms necessary for resisting negative influences.

Two Lessons

What line should parents take when explaining just how "we are different" from our friends and neighbors whose gazes are drawn towards the secular world?

In a passage in Dorash Moshe, on the posuk "emor ve'omarto" that we discussed earlier, HaRav Moshe Feinstein zt'l gives some important advice on this very point.

"Rashi explains [that the double expression means] "to warn the adults about the youngsters." However, "ve'omarto (and say, tell)" is also addressed to the adults. So how do we know that it is intended to tell us about the children?

"When training our sons and daughters, what we tell them they have to do counts for nothing unless they can see that it is something that is very precious to their father. Their father will not succeed in training them to do mitzvos by telling them that he had to withstand great trials in order to observe the mitzvos of Shabbos and yom tov and that one must stand firm. They will say that they are not as strong as he and that they can't overcome their yetzer.

"They will only be well-trained by their father telling them that keeping Torah and mitzvos is no trial at all because they are 'our life and the length of our days.'

"Two things, therefore, have to be conveyed [by parents]: one, information about what is permitted and what is forbidden and two, that these mitzvos are very precious. This is how children will be properly trained. There are thus two things that have to be said to the adults, both of which are necessary in instructing children."

Hard to Be a Jew

On many occasions, Reb Moshe would say that failure to convey the second message was responsible for the high failure rate in the child-raising of many newly- arrived chareidi families in America. Even when parents withstood difficult trials and lived with self-sacrifice in order to refrain from profaning Shabbos, the next generation disappointed them. Many times, the children found it hard to stand up to the trials of the American way of life and they left the Torah path altogether.

Reb Moshe explained that on Friday nights, a father would tell his children how much of his income he would be losing by keeping his store closed over Shabbos. He would add painfully that he realized that he had to make the sacrifice in order to keep the Torah. He trained them to make sacrifices while driving the lesson home that, "It's hard to be a Jew," but that "we have no choice."

There was a double edge to his message that we have to keep the Torah even though we thereby sustain tremendous financial loss, lose social standing and have to battle for our daily bread. The main thing that was absorbed by the children who heard this was their father's hardship and his pain-filled sighs. It was hard for them to identify with his conclusion that "when all is said and done, we must keep the mitzvos, even though it's hard to be a Jew."

On reaching maturity they asked themselves, "What do we need these problems for?" and decided that it would be better for their own children to see a free and happy father rather than a mournful and gloomy one who suffered because of his beliefs.

Those parents made a grievous mistake that had very long-term effects. Had they truly felt the dignity and elevation in a life of mitzvos instead of making the effort merely to practice them -- granted, with self-sacrifice but otherwise routinely, with feelings of compulsion and without lifting their spirits -- they would have transmitted an entirely different message to their children.

Had their families seen happy, smiling faces, exuding genuine fulfillment, they would have taken away a different message. "How happy we are! How good is our lot! We are Jews! See how fortunate we are. Instead of being swept up in life's unending scramble for money, we have our Shabbos table, where we revel in the uplifting radiance of Shabbos. We are not sucked into the empty, unfulfilling lives led by the country's varied gentile races."

Simchas Torah vs. Tisha B'Av

This lesson is relevant today as well. We talk too much in terms of sacrifices for the sake of Torah. Our teachers have taught us that it is not the sacrifice that should be stressed. Rather, our families should absorb the music that fills a Torah home where the melody of "Blessed is our G-d . . . who has given us a Torah of truth and planted everlasting life among us" is in the air all year round. Every day, the atmosphere in our homes should be suffused with the spirit of Simchas Torah.

Woe betide us if our families see parents who are depressed because of their struggle to make ends meet and who only speak in terms of "sacrifice" and "suffering for Torah". They may well say to themselves -- like the offspring of the martyrs of America -- that they prefer their lives not to be sacrificed as their parents' lives were.

They should instead absorb the knowledge that true happiness is the lot of the person who follows a Torah way of life. They should truly and seriously feel that the greater the extent to which a person feels Torah to be the foundation of his existence and the center of his life, the happier his life will be.

On the other hand, life without Torah is full of disappointments. When Torah is the center of life, life's ups and downs can be weathered with minimal discomfiture. When it is not, ordinary misfortunes can assume crisis proportions.

Occasionally, we hear and read expressions -- sometimes emanating from "new chareidim" -- of the unlearned Jew's envy of the talmid chochom's spiritual fulfillment and joy in life.

Children raised in homes that pulsate with the joyous throb of Simchas Torah all year round will not want to squander their spiritual riches and live in a constant atmosphere of Tisha B'Av over the loss of potential greatness of soul and spirit. They know that true happiness is to be found within Torah homes, whereas day-to-day life in the homes of those who are drawn towards the emptiness of those who have strayed is filled with constant mournful reminders of spiritual loss.

Reb Moshe enjoins us to raise our children in the realization that living a proper Torah life is not a matter of enduring trials and tribulations. It is, quite simply, worthwhile.

The more centered upon Torah life is, the more worthwhile it is -- not just for the sake of the reward in Olam Habo but because it's more enjoyable in Olam Hazeh too!


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