The ambition of Jewish parents in every generation has been
to see their offspring attain greatness in Torah and in fear
of Heaven, and to follow the path trodden by traditional
Jewry through the ages. Sadly, although this desire is common
to all parents, it is by no means universally attained, or
attained in full.
There are many reasons for this and certainly not all of them
are attributable to deficiencies in parenting. There are
however, a number of common problems that can arise from
parents' failure to pay close enough attention to their
offspring's progress during the school years, as they develop
from children into adults. These pitfalls form the subject of
this article. [For convenience, the child is referred to as
"he" but of course everything is equally applicable to
girls.]
When a child starts off in any new educational framework, and
his parents see that with time, he gets into the swim of
things, settles down and starts to make steady progress, they
set their minds at ease. They allow themselves to "fall
asleep on the watch" and they fail to take an ongoing
interest in his situation.
At some stage there might be a sudden deterioration in a
child's scholastic, spiritual or social standing, for
whatever reason. If parents' lack of awareness results in
nothing being done, the process can continue, with the gap
between the child's level and the level of the class, growing
ever wider. When the time arrives for entrance examinations
to yeshiva ketanoh or seminar, the parents may be
shocked and horrified to discover that their child is simply
not up to the required standard. By this time it is usually
very late in the day to rectify the damage. On top of the
highly distressing nature of the situation and all the
consequent soul searching, there is very little that can be
done.
When Chazal told us, "Who is wise? He who foresees future
developments" (Ovos), it was to this kind of situation
that they were referring. Our task is to take proper
measures, in good time, to ensure that each child develops
well. We must care for and encourage him, follow his progress
and deal with any problems immediately, rather than waiting
until it is too late, chas vesholom.
Here are a number of important points, which can help parents
and assist them in extracting the most from their child's
abilities, and in raising them with happiness and
satisfaction.
*
A child must love the place where he is learning. He must go
there willingly and return home happy. If this is not the
case, the cause must be identified and dealt with as soon as
possible.
The source of a child's dissatisfaction might be a social
problem, in the classroom, school or yeshiva. It can happen
that a youngster feels isolated and rejected by his peers. He
may be suffering taunting, or mockery.
Sometimes, one particular child is singled out for common
dislike. In such a situation, it is imperative that the
teaching staff be consulted. Parents and teacher must work
together to try to extricate the child from his difficulties.
It is important to be aware that every single day that passes
brings the child terrible distress and loss of learning. How
can a child concentrate on what he should be learning, when
he is surrounded by animosity? He could even suffer long term
emotional damage, chas vesholom.
Learning disabilities, of one sort or another, can be
encountered in almost every family. As parents, it is our
duty to help our children make progress, each at his own
pace, using every means possible. A child who experiences
difficulty in understanding lessons, and is routinely getting
average-to-low grades in tests, feels wretched about it and
is sometimes under great pressure too. It is the parents' job
to discover these difficulties as soon as they appear and to
help their child by arranging for him to learn with a private
teacher or rebbe who will concentrate on his
individual progress.
Of course, a parent can also be his child's teacher but this
will only be beneficial if the father tries to make their
learning together a pleasant experience. Otherwise, all he
may be doing is straining his relationship with his son,
choliloh, in his efforts to advance him. It should be
said that there are children who, due to circumstances, will
be unable to make much progress by learning with their
parent, while with a stranger, whom they meet in a peaceful
environment outside the home, they will make great
strides.
This is especially true of boys in the fifth, sixth and
seventh grades, who are assimilating the fundamentals of
gemora study. If a child fails to keep up and begins
falling behind noticeably, the situation can worsen until,
when the time arrives for him to enter yeshiva, it may become
apparent that he is lacking extremely important
foundations.
In some cases, in order to deal with a learning disability a
professional diagnosis must be obtained. It can happen that
parents spend enormous sums over the years on private
tutoring while refraining from seeking professional
assistance, simply because they are worried about "what
people might say." Meanwhile, the child suffers, the problem
remains unsolved and the parents regret the expenditure they
are making without seeing results. What a shame!
I have received letters of thanks from parents who did seek
professional help (with learning, motor or other problems),
and who discovered that within a short time, the problem had
been identified and dealt with professionally to their full
satisfaction. It is very sad when parents become offended by
a teacher's recommendation that they seek a professional
diagnosis, and take it as a personal slur. They are the only
losers.
When all the previously mentioned possibilities for a child's
lack of success have been eliminated, and his level remains
below the standard for the institution he is in, don't
hesitate to move him elsewhere due to other considerations,
such as convenience etc. Every unproductive day that goes by
is a waste. It should be realized that social or
environmental factors can also be compelling reasons to move
a child and if this is the case, the move should be made as
soon as possible, for the child's benefit.
Much has already been said and written elsewhere about the
importance of maintaining constant contact with the teacher
or rebbe. This can be a phone call, a note, or a visit
from the parent at least once a fortnight, to inquire about
the child's overall progress, even when there are no
particular problems. Obviously, when the teacher sees that
there is strong parental interest in the child, he feels
doubly responsible to devote himself to the child's welfare,
over and above discharging his duty to other students, in
whom no parental interest whatsoever is displayed.
A majority of pupils can be classed as average, meaning that
they have average abilities. Personal attention,
encouragement and direction can make a crucial difference to
their development and progress in all areas. How often does
one hear a teacher, or a mashgiach say, "So-and-so
sends his son here just so that he won't cause a disturbance
at home. He has no idea of the state of his son's education."
A parent who fails to make contact with the teacher even once
in the course of an entire school year, is transmitting a
clear message of apathy and uncaring. The results can be
disastrous, Rachmono litzlan.
Dear parents! Don't hesitate to pick up the telephone and
call your son's rebbe! He will answer you gladly. This
is part of his job!
The staff should be notified of any problem that the child is
experiencing at home (even if it is only temporary) that
might affect his behavior, his mood, or his ability to meet
the standards of his place of learning. Even happy occasions,
such as the birth of a sibling, can cause temporary but major
disruptions of the household routine, with noticeable effects
on the other children. It is important that the teacher be
made aware of such circumstances, so that he can relate to
the child accordingly.
A yeshiva bochur who calls home too often, or who
suddenly begins visiting home frequently, is sending distress
signals! Don't ignore them! Like any other educational
problem, this requires immediate attention in order to
prevent further deterioration and damage.
Another point regarding yeshivos: don't let yourselves be
persuaded into sending your child to a prestigious yeshiva
(or seminar), meaning, a place which they will find easy and
comfortable, to pride themselves in attending, a place that
you once attended, or the place where their older siblings
study or studied. Your youngster needs to learn in the
institution that best suits him, meaning, the one that is
most suited to his level of learning, to his social
inclinations and to his personal tendencies. It is preferable
that he be a success, and be one of the best students in a
mediocre institution, rather than a failure (or, as sometimes
happens, be forced to leave in the middle of the year and
seek another place to learn) in a prestigious institution.
*
To conclude, here is some further food for thought. One
survey conducted in the United States found that the average
parent devoted just twelve minutes a week to direct bonding
with their child. This included comments, criticism and angry
interactions, as well as interest in the child. Another
survey showed that only three out of eighty of those
questioned knew who their child's neighbor was in the
classroom. These results really need no further comment!
Parents! You will personally reap the benefits of every
investment of time and effort that you make during the years
that your child is young! In addition, every penny that you
spend on private tuition and the like, is worth more and is
cheaper overall when the child is young, than it is once a
problem has been neglected and has to be dealt with
professionally when the child has become a young adult.
HaRav Shach ztvk'l used to say that every child needs
to feel satisfaction in his learning, each according to his
level and age, and that parents must keep track of this. He
would also say that under no circumstances should people
hesitate to move a child to a lower-level yeshiva, or even to
place him in such a yeshiva to begin with, if he will learn
with joy and satisfaction as a result.
May all of us merit seeing all our offspring following the
Torah path that has been handed down from generation to
generation, omein.
Rav Yosef Shrim, teaches in Talmud Torah Hamesilloh,
Yerushalayim
