It is time for my eighteen-month-old grandson to get his
first pair of sandals. His first shoes were traditional white
high-tops with laces. Those were relatively easy to buy.
The saleslady slipped on one stiff little shoe, pushed her
finger down on the end to make sure there was growing room,
laced it up and pronounced it a good fit. Just to be on the
safe side, she did the same with the other shoe. Off toddled
the bewildered young customer who had, until then, walked
quite steadily on his bare feet.
Sandals are different. In one way, they are easier to fit.
You can see where the toes are, so you don't have to poke
around with your fingers. However, you can't err on the
liberal side in deciding the amount of growing room. If high-
tops are too big, you just pull on the laces and tighten them
up; if sandals are too big, they fall off.
I have found that a similar situation exists vis-a-vis
selecting something for boys a dozen years older: yeshiva
ketana.
It is relatively easy to pick a cheder. Most
neighborhood chadorim have experienced rebbes who can
handle a wide variety of students. If the boy is shy, the
rebbe gives him a little extra attention to draw him out and
help him fit in. If the boy is too active, the rebbe reins
him in with firm discipline. The boys in the middle find
places for themselves in the classroom environment. It is
like choosing high-tops.
Yeshiva ketana is different. As with the sandal, the fit of
the yeshiva ketana to the particular boy will be more
obvious, but again, here the leeway for error is much less.
We don't want to put a teenager in a school that will
restrict his growth. We are looking for a place that will
challenge him to grow.
However, if a boy finds himself in a high school that is too
`big' for him -- too much material for him to absorb, too
much pressure, or too little individual attention -- he may,
G-d forbid, fall out.
How, then, do we pick a high school-level school for a
particular boy? First of all, this is one case in which the
parents are probably not the ideal judges. They are too close
to the situation. They may either overestimate their son's
potential, or they may be afraid to push him that little bit
that he needs to help him mature and grow to become the
scholar he can be.
If someone is swimming and feels a cramp or the pull of an
undertow, he is certainly not afraid to call "help!" and
attract the attention of the lifeguard. The lifeguard is
there to protect him. No one in that dangerous situation
would say, "The lifeguard is such a busy person and he has to
take care of all the other people on the beach. I'm not going
to bother him with my problem."
However, many parents ae too timid to approach the principal
of their cheder for guidance in picking a yeshiva
ketana for their son. They make the decision themselves, or
in consultation with a neighbor whose boy goes to a
particular school and `loves' it, and present the
cheder with a fait accompli.
Sometimes, they have already used their family's personal
influence to get the boy accepted at the yeshiva ketana. If
the rebbe or the principal feels that the choice is wrong, he
can then speak out, but it won't be easy to change things.
The ideal situation is for the parents to meet with their
son's rebbe and speak to him about his ideas on the matter.
If he is the person in that particular cheder who
handles those matters, he will tell the parents his
suggestions. If the principal is the one to make such
decisions, the rebbe will refer the parents there. This
should all be done in a timely fashion. No one can expect to
see the principal the week before the boys are being tested
by the various high schools.
Another very important factor to consider is this: many
schools test the applicants in groups of three or four. A shy
boy will just stand there getting more and more nervous until
he is called upon to answer a question.
Ask yourself: Does your son showcase his potential well in a
brief interview? If not, would he do better if he were more
comfortable with the subject matter? If the answer to the
last question was, "Yes," then run, don't walk, to the best
tutor in your neighborhood and engage his services to get
your son ready for his interview.
There is something else with which most English-speaking
parents find it difficult to deal. In the States, when you
applied to continue your education on the high school level
or above, you submitted your applications, went to your
interviews, bit your fingernails for a few weeks and then
finally heard from the schools. The answers came in the mail.
A `fat' envelope meant you were accepted, because a favorable
reply came with lots of forms to fill out and return. A
skinny envelope contained a one-sheet letter of rejection.
The letter in the fat envelope told you that you had two
weeks to decide if you were coming. If they didn't hear from
you by a specified date, they were going to assume you
weren't coming and they would no longer hold a place in the
class for you. At that point, with all of the acceptances
lined up, the decision on the `right' school was made, slowly
and thoughtfully, often with the input of teachers and
faculty advisors.
Here, the situation is very different. You get a phone call
from the yeshiva ketana. "Mazel Tov. Chaim is accepted. Is he
coming?" Sometimes you have as long as twenty minutes to make
up your mind, but usually, it is less than that. In many
instances, the decision has to be made `on one foot.'
Therefore, as soon as the interviews are over and your son
has an idea of how he did, sit down and write the script for
acepting offers from the schools. If yeshiva ketana `A' calls
first, but `B' was your first choice, what are you going to
tell them?
Here, again, the principal may be in a better position to
decide than the parents. He has had experience with these
schools and he can translate for you whether their "we have
to know immediately" means just that or if there is leeway
for calling them back in half an hour.
One final note. Boys of 13 or 14 find it very difficult to
deal with peer pressure. The boy has to understand on some
level just why a particular school was selected for him.
Otherwise, he is going to find himself sitting on the school
bus with a friend and the friend will say, "What? You were
accepted at Yeshiva X but are going to Yeshiva Z? I can't
believe you made such a mistake. You're losing out on the
greatest opportunity. I guess it's too late to change your
mind." That will be followed by a shake of the head and a
look filled with pity.
If your son feels comfortable that the choice of his school
was made by wise people who are on his side, he can come away
from such an encounter feeling that the friend is trying to
help him but is barking up the wrong tree. If your son is in
the dark about why he is going to school Z in the first
place, watch out!
