Is there anyone out there who really feels that title fits
them? Anyone -- even if they have read every kosher parenting
book that was printed, or attended every parenting group and
course within a five hundred kilometer radius of their house,
even if they have given parenting groups to everyone
within a five hundred kilometer radius of their house?
Mothering -- "Just look how she does it. I could never manage
that." "I am a baalas tshuva. I just didn't see how
it's done." "If only I had enough sleep, I'd do so much
better." "When I'm at the `group,' it sounds so easy BUT..."
"What I need is a role model." "I try doing what the book
says but it doesn't work!" "My children have obviously read a
different book."
On the one hand, the experts and others give us dire warnings
about all the damage we can do, and on the other hand, we
hear the oft quoted phrase, "Good- enough mothering." Guilt
abounds in us moms of older children, as some of them just
don't `turn out' quite as we would have wished. My psychology
professor, in his retirement speech, said that we all try to
bring up our children to be the `ideal person' and they all
turn out just like us. Perhaps I would add just like we are,
as opposed to as we would really like to be. Of course, some
of our kids may well turn out bedavka just the
opposite of `just like us.'
Oh, Mothering! Why don't they teach it in school? Why do so
many of `the books' maxims just not talk to me? Why do I keep
on trying and trying and just got get there? Why don't my
children react as they should? Why do I feel so guilty, such
a failure?
You know the answer. It's that dreaded, `Mr. Comparison
Fiend,' otherwise known as `yetzer hora,' having a
field day. Even those who bemoan the lack of role model have
been fed a picture of `correct' mothering. This picture may
include proclamations about bedtime, never raising your
voice, all sorts of ideals about food and meal times, reams
of imperatives about discipline, shoulds and shouldn'ts (who
knows which of those is the worst taskmaster). The `Mr.
Comparison Fiend' has what to work with. Can't you see him
just rubbing his hands in glee?
Mommy -- yes, that's you. the minute that little miracle
bursts out into the world, why even from the minute he is
conceived, say Chazal, you are a Mom. But take heart. We all
mother by trial and error. None of us picks up that wondrous
little bundle of joy and knows exactly what to do. Haven't
you noticed that parenting courses are never run by young
students who have passed their mothering exams with
distinction?
I was amused the other day when I heard my daughters-in-law
discussing some recommendations from Penelope Leach's book on
Babyhood. I also have a well thumbed copy used to help me
with their husbands. Their book, though, is the revised
version. What? Has the art of mothering changed in such a
short time? [Same can be asked of Dr. Spock.]
So many of us mommies are soul searchers and we so often find
ourselves wanting. Whenever there is a gathering of ladies
and the conversation turns to parenting, it becomes a sort of
confessional. "What I find difficult..." "What I have done
wrong..." "Oh, how do you deal with..."
In conversations in groups, with clients or just with
friends, it's the failures and difficulties that seem to trip
easily off the tongue. Yet in these same conversations, I
have heard described such imaginative, caring, nurturing,
brilliant parenting practices. I have heard of parenting
principles and beliefs that make me wish that the speaker had
been my Mommy. The funny thing is that those mommies often
don't realize they're doing something special.
When I hear my clients let slip a clue to their beliefs about
parenting, I don't let that clue slip. I follow with question
after question: "Is that a belief of yours?" "How do you put
it into practice in your parenting?" "Are there other things
that you try to accomplish with your parenting?" "Where did
you learn that this was important (when perhaps they have had
a far from easy childhood experience)."
By the end, my client and I could publish a new and beautiful
book to rival anything ever written on parenting. That is the
secret, the bottom line: each and every one of us has her own
style, her own `I believe's, her own `table of priorities.'
The BUT is that so many of us are too overwhelmed by Mr.
Comparison Fiend and his friends to hear our own voice.
Years ago, when I was a newish mom with only two or three
children, I had the sneaking feeling that the Books, the
radio programs, the parenting groups just seemed to make you
feel guilty and act towards your children in an unnatural
manner. I felt that we would all do much better if we were
left alone to use our instincts. I hadn't pondered where
those instincts might have come from and I had an uneasy
voice in the back of my mind (a very close relative of
Comparison Fiend, I believe) that kept on saying, "Maybe you
have this theory because you don't want to admit to your
failure." I was very muddled. But then, I was quite young.
There are as many ways to be a mom as there are mothers and
as there are children, for woe betide the mom who uses
exactly the same formula for each of her children. We pick up
our mothering styles from all sorts of sources. Perhaps from
observation of our mothers, and the mothers of friends and
acquaintainces. Perhaps from books, classes, feelings of how
we would like/not like it to be for our children. From
shiurim, the well-baby clinics etc. Many of us
actively look for help in our mothering, once we have reached
that wonderful status. The trick is, though, to gather up
from all these sources only those ideas with which we feel
comfortable.
Have you ever been asked/paid to do a job that was just not
you? Where every second you were doing it you just didn't
feel comfortable? Or perhaps you tried to do something that
you just didn't quite succeed at and only afterwards, if at
all, you realized that the success you were after wasn't
really your idea of success. "You've only sold 52 products
this week whereas the average sales rate is 500 per week!"
Should I hang my head in shame and wonder what is wrong with
me, or admit to the reality that I don't believe in their
product and I really don't want to sell it?"
It's the same with parenting styles. They have to fit with
who you really are. All those different comparison fiends and
disapproval monsters should not trick you into using styles,
strategies and behaviors that don't feel right to you, that
don't fit.
Mommy, let me remind you of something. Each and every one of
your children was given to YOUR safekeeping by Hashem. He
chose to give you the task of taking care of that `pledge.'
He put it in your safekeeping, to nurture until adulthood,
using your unique essence, your Divine image. It is an
awesome task, mothering, but Hashem knows that you can do it
for your particular child/ren. Isn't that comforting?
So now, trust yourself because you have a trust that you can
rely on. Look and read and search and learn; try and then try
again. We can all improve; we can all grow, but make sure
that your new-style mothering is comfortable; make sure that
it fits. Put your Comparison Fiends and Disapproval Monsters
in their place and ENJOY.
[Batya Jacobs, Maor Anayim, Narrative Therapy Center 053-
570002; 02- 6511982.]
