When I first saw the ad for a bereavement counseling course,
I had a mixed reaction. It is not exactly a fun course to
take. Kids for Kids, an organization that helps young victims
of terror, was sponsonsoring it and the director, Yeshara
Gold, is an old friend of mine.
I had been watching her project grow over the past year and a
half with admiration, half with awe, but also with a
deepening feeling of sadness that there existed a need for it
and that the need was not diminishing.
I knew that, for me, it was time to get involved.
As a social worker, I've done some bereavement counseling,
but this is something completely different. These Jews are
suddenly losing innocent loved ones through cold-blooded
murder. These are tragedies of unimaginable horror and pain.
Who am I to offer any solace, I wondered. How could anyone,
except Hashem?
Beginning the Training
I told myself that if I found the training too painful, I
would quit. Yet after each session, and they are truly
difficult, I felt I had learned so much. I feel that I am
participating in historic times and that I am encountering
some very holy people who are grappling with the enormity of
losing their beloved family members al kiddush Hashem
[that is, they died by virtue -- and it is their virtue -- of
being Jews].
I wish to share a few of the things I have learned because so
many of us are dealing with mourners and feel at a loss as to
what to do or say. I offer these tips in the hope that no one
will need them but at the same time, to sensitize us all to
the bereaved among us.
Practical Advice for the Counselor
1. It is important to emphasize that no one can comfort a
mourner, really. Have no illusions that with a few magic
words (even divrei Torah) and a heart filled with
genuine compassion you will miraculously make a mourner feel
better. They want only one thing and that is the deceased
person back. Only Hashem can ease this pain and He does it in
His own time, with time. We are there to demonstrate that we
care and to help out in whatever capacity we can.
2. When visiting the newly bereaved, it is best to be quiet.
[This follows the guideline of the Shulchon Oruch.] If
the bereaved wants to talk, fine, but if not, we are not to
intrude on his silence. Should he wish to speak about his
loss, the ability to listen quietly and attentively is our
main objective. This can provide much relief for the
bereaved. It is imperative for the mourner to hear other's
good memories and appreciation of the deceased. This
expresses that he is not alone in mourning his beloved,
although naturally his feelings are much more intense.
3. Beware of making thoughtless comments! It is not for us to
find meaning in other people's tragedies. That is for them to
do in their own time and it will be very personal. Think
twice before you offer a platitude such as "Your son was a
korbon." Or "You must be a tzaddekes to be
given such a test." Be extremely cautious as well that you do
not cause the bereaved person to have to comfort you!
4. In some sessions, we interviewed people who had lost loved
ones through terror attacks. Some of the things that they
shared with us apply to any mourners but all the more so to
families of terror victims. Many people are intimidated by
the circumstances of this type of loss and are afraid to
contact the bereaved. All the mourners interviewed agreed
that even little gestures from friends and acquaintances mean
a lot. Food, especially hot food, helps tremendously. Running
errands for the family, helping with the shopping,
babysitting for the other children, fielding phone calls,
helping with the housework, accompanying them to appointments
etc. are all extremely comforting and supportive acts during
shiva and up till the family is able to begin
functioning again. Phone calls to check up on them are
important even if the mourner is not in the mood to talk. A
simple, "We are thinking about you," is meaningful to the
bereaved.
5. Never avoid a bereaved person because you are afraid to
face them. They are feeling very alone in their pain and this
adds to their isolation and is very hurtful. A simple
greeting such as "I have been thinking of you," or "It is
good to see you again," is fine. It is better not to ask,
"How are you doing?" as most likely, they are not doing well
at all and this is not yet an appropriate inquiry and
certainly not in public.
6. It is very kind to continue to express care even months
after the death, as the family's loss becomes more real.
Sending over a cake and a thoughtful note erev Shabos
or before a Yom Tov is always appreciated.
7. If it is appropriate to share your own tragedy and
recovery so as to give inspiration to the mourner, you may do
so, but not before the person is ready to hear it. He is
deeply involved in his own pain and may not be able to absorb
your suffering as well! Wait for the right psychological
moment.
8. Be careful not to stay too long during the shiva
and on subsequent visits. Bereaved people are emotionally
exhausted. Short calls and visits are best unless otherwise
indicated.
9. Expect the bereaved to be self-absorbed for some time and
do not expect them to reach out for help. Take the
initiative.
10. People mourn differently. In general, men tend to busy
themselves to deal with their pain, whereas women have a
greater need to talk about their feelings. Teenagers can be
very reluctant to talk about their loss and prefer to be
distracted by activities. Each of these coping methods is
valid, yet these different styles of mourning can cause hard
feelings within the family, as the members may not understand
what is happening. A grief counselor can be very helpful
should this situation develop.
CLOSURE IS NOT AUTOMATIC
Overcoming the violent death of a loved one takes a very long
time and is not a straight path. Sometimes, family and
friends are suffering so deeply themselves that they are
unable to help each other. That is when a certified
bereavement counselor can help. If you or someone you know is
not coping as well as they would like, contact Kids for
Kids.
Yehudit Chanan / Ramat Beit Shemesh / 02-9920498 / 02-
9920755.
