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13 Teves 5763 - December 18, 2002 | Mordecai Plaut, director Published Weekly
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Home and Family


PREPARING FOR THE FUTURE
To Make a Contract

by R' Zvi Zobin

I have to know

What I'm agreeing to

What I have to do

If I'm going to be able to do it

How I'm going to feel while I'm doing it

If I'm going to like doing it

How long it's going to take me

That's a lot for a child to know.

What will be if I break the contract?

Who cares?

A child lives in the present

He does not look ahead.

*

Parent: Go and tidy your room.

Child: I don't want to.

Parent: If you tidy your room, I will give you chocolate.

Child: So give me the chocolate now.

Parent gives chocolate.

Child starts working.

Ten minutes later:

Child: I can't be bothered doing any more. I'm tired.

A child is not equipped to fulfill contracts. Pay first at your own risk.

*

Parent: Go and tidy your room.

Child: I don't want to.

Parent: If you tidy your room, I will give you chocolate.

Child: How much?

Parent: Two squares.

Child: No!

A contract makes the child an equal partner in the decision-making process.

Parent: Do you want to go to bed now or do you want to play for another ten minutes?

Child: I want to play for another ten minutes.

Ten minutes later

Parent: Okay! Your ten minutes are up. You have to go to bed now.

Child goes to bed. Parent has won?

No! Parent has lost!

Including the child in the decision-making process makes the child an equal partner in the decision-making process.

Parent: Do you want to go to bed now?

Child: Okay.

Child goes to bed. Parent has won? No! Parent has lost!

Requesting permission from the child makes the child the SENIOR partner in the decision-making process.

*

A child takes the world at face value.

What happens always -- is normal.

If you give him cake every day -- that becomes normal.

If you give him a smack every day -- that becomes normal.

If you want him to appreciate something, you must TEACH him to appreciate it.

*

A child does not understand relationships.

If you treat him as an equal, he will think he is your equal.

If he treats you as an equal, he will think he is your equal.

If he tells you what to do, he will think he is your boss.

Child: I'm thirsty. Give me a drink!

Parent: Okay, here it is.

Parent is teaching child that he is the child's servant.

If you want him to respect you, you must teach him to respect you.

No one has the right to DEMAND from his environment that the environment must make him happy.

We WORK for happiness in the Next World.

We PRAY for happiness in this world.

The Jew needs to train himself to find happiness in the environment he has.

"Who is rich? One who is satisfied with what he has."

Just -- "I want" -- is not a basis for supplying the want.

"I want" means "Gimme, 'cos you must supply me with what I want, when I want."

A need must be justified.

Fulfilling a greed plants the seed for creating unnecessary need.

A request must be made as a request: "PLEASE may I have..."

It recognizes that YOU make the final decision. It paves the way for gratitude. *

The child is naughty.

"I'm going to punish you!"

He pleads, "I won't do it again."

You say, "You've said that so many times and now you did it again!"

He pleads, "But this time, I really mean it! I won't do it again!"

If you reject the plea and punish him, it will teach him that he cannot repent. If you accept the plea, he is learning to get away with being naughty and manipulating you.

*

He wakes up moaning, "I don't feel well. I can't go to school today."

You say, "You said that yesterday. I let you stay home and then you seemed fine the rest of the day!"

He says, "Oooh, it hurts so much today. I can't go! I can't go!"

He lies there, writhing in pain.

If you reject the plea and make him go, it will teach him to be feelingless and cruel. If you accept the plea, he is learning to get away with excuses and manipulating you.

 

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