Part II
The involvement of a father is vital to the normal emotional
development of a child. It is a formula for success in
studies and in developing healthy social interaction.
Not on Bread Alone
"Is it possible for mothers to raise emotionally healthy
children when the father is hardly involved in their
upbringing?" Dr. Udi Oren, the chief psychologist in Kupat
Cholim Meuchedet, formulates the psychological question that
begs to be asked.
"The answer is: yes. One can certainly raise children on
bread and water, but this is not the optimal situation. The
potential contribution of the father to the normal emotional
development of a child is very high and is significant in
channels that the mother cannot provide. Each of the parents
has a different psychological and ethical makeup, abilities
and characteristics that complement one another, and when
both parents accompany the child with love and commitment,
these are heavyweight components. When a father figure is
almost non-existent, a situation can arise that is
professionally termed `father-deprived.' In many cases this
is a condition forced upon the father who may be holding down
two or three jobs in order to overcome economic problems. He
may be a workaholic by nature and spend most of his waking
hours outside the home with a resultant negligible, if not
non-existent, contact with his children."
Dr. Oren points out a common mistake of fathers who think
that they need only enter the picture at a later stage, when
the children are growing up. They are not aware of the
tremendous contribution that their presence and involvement
can make from infancy through the formative years of
kindergarten and early years of schooling.
"Many fathers are frightened by infants and little children
and feel they don't have the tools to deal with them. This
may be due to the attitude of the mother: she may allocate
the division of tasks as: this is my realm; what do you know
about this, anyway? The father himself also finds it easy to
say: I don't know how to handle this and it is not my
business or area, in any case. The mother, however, can help
the father enter the role and become her partner. Fathers who
appreciate this and have decided to invest effort in the
subject have developed excellent relations with very young
children which continued on in later life. This is
particularly noticeable with sons who have a strong
relationship with their father, from which they draw the
understanding of how to deal with all kinds of situations in
life."
The British survey, notes Dr. Oren, only strengthens the fact
that a bond with two parents gives children the opportunity
to develop into more wholesome and healthy people. When one
parent evades his role, all of the weaknesses of the other
parent become the outstanding features which the child
imitates or incorporates into his own personality.
R' Simcha Cohen speaks about the thin line between evasion of
one's responsibility and the real-life circumstances which do
not enable the father to be at home. He maintains that in any
event, the time that the father is at home, short as it may
be, must be positive, quality time, so that the role model,
even during a short space of time, be condensed and
essential, that it become compressed into an unforgettable
experience in the child's memories.
R' Cohen tells of a young kollel father who turned to
him and said that his sons' afternoon behavior was totally
unrestrained and unruly. His wife failed to impose obedience
upon them and this, he felt, was counter-educational. R'
Cohen suggested that he come home one hour earlier each day
to help her manage them. In the morning, explained this young
scholar, he had a study session with one of the gedolei
hador, and if he did not prepare himself for it
adequately each afternoon, he would miss out on this quality
opportunity.
R' Cohen did not want to take the responsibility of ruling in
this delicate question and sent him to another noted
authority. The young man returned to him later and told him
what that rabbi had suggested, which closely resembled his
own advice: namely, to return home an hour earlier. When he
had noted that he might lose out on the quality of his
morning seder, the latter had reassured him, saying
that the education of his children was a mandatory
obligation, and that he was certain that when a person
executed his responsibility, he would surely not suffer
personally for it. (To be sure, one cannot extract any
generalities from this single incident and each case must be
dealt with on a personal basis and referred to the right
Torah authority, as the case may be.)
In R' Cohen's opinion, there is a tremendous significance to
the father role model, to each word and remark that issues
from his mouth, and if he is present in the home for only a
short period, the impact of each and every act or utterance
of his is all the more felt and impressed upon the child's
memory for the rest of his life. The influence of a father
upon his son will accompany him for all time.
If a son hears, for example, his father talking excitedly
about a rich man and indifferently about a talmid
chochom, he will internalize the message and draw his own
conclusions. In this matter, R' Cohen reminds us of a story
about a man who approached a Torah leader and asked for an
explanation of a certain paradox: he was a Torah scholar, but
his sons were shoemakers, whereas his neighbor was a
shoemaker who had succeeded in raising sons who become Torah
scholars. The rabbi explained to him very simply that the
children only carried out what they had absorbed in the home.
The cobbler detested his profession and yearned all his life
for his sons to become scholars and rabbis whereas the rabbi
did not seem overly anxious when his sons did not do well in
their Torah studies and eventually became cobblers...
"It is a common situation," he continues, "that the father
communicates the daily picture, after returning home from a
tiring day, of a dissatisfied, bitter person. This is
approximately how it presents itself:
"The father finally comes home after being away all day. The
mother, who has accumulated a bundle of frustrations in her
dealings with the children, greets him with juicy stories
about how Shloimy hit this sibling and Dudy teased that one.
The father has no choice but to back her up and scold the
culprits, even before he has greeted them with a welcoming
smile and a hug. This is a pity, because the father builds up
the image of an aggressive figure. Instead of emoting love
when he comes in, warmth and caring, he becomes the policeman
and punisher. He must come home and greet each child with a
loving caress and plant a kiss upon the younger ones. He will
find a way to express his support for the mother by asking if
they helped Ima today and listening to their version of how
the day went."
What negative repercussions are there to a pronounced lack of
involvement on the part of the father? Dr. Oren has come
across three classic reactions: one expresses itself in a
person's overreaction, that is, an exaggerated attempt to
make up for the lack of the past. The child imitates very
limited aspects of the father figure, absorbs very secondary
lines of character which he has succeeded in capturing from
the brief exposure to him, as in the example from R' Simcha
Cohen. In the secular world, this is expressed in unruly,
aggressive behavior. In other circles, the child will become
restless and easily drawn to negative social behavior and
undesirable social elements.
A second reaction of children lacking the father's presence
in their lives is a feeling of emptiness that results in a
weakening of character and in depression. Such children are
lacking ambition, self esteem and confidence in dealing alone
with the world.
The third reaction relates more to girls. The lack of a
father image in their lives creates the need to find an
alternate father image -- and to remain a dependent little
girl all their lives.
Fathers must understand the tremendous importance that their
involvement contributes towards the development of their
children. It is advisable to relegate one particular area of
education solely to the father which becomes his individual
responsibility. There are so many daily activities in life
that push the child down to a very low rung on the ladder of
priorities in a father's timetable, stresses Oren. If he were
to know that no one will assume a particular task for him,
then he will have to find time for this responsibility. This
can be a very simple, negligibly important task [even
something like taking a child to kindergarten and being on a
one-to-one basis], but if this is his area, it takes on far
greater importance than he can possibly imagine.
R' Simcha Cohen suggests choosing as top priority the project
of study, and to execute this amidst joy and not coercion.
The child awaits this quality opportunity very eagerly, but
it may often turn into an hour of weeping and scolding that
leaves a very sour taste, and very negative residues and
attitudes towards study in general. The father must find the
way to make study pleasant and desirable and not harden
himself during this together-time. If a child remembers that
his early years of study were accompanied by difficulties,
his future associations to study will also be unpleasant.
Most parents want the best for their children and surely
desire a strong, warm relationship with them. The pressures
of time, however, force them to evade many important
educational projects and still feel that they have tried
their best -- but that time did not allow for more quality
input.
R' Diamant does not `buy' this flimsy excuse. "I refuse to
accept that a parent `cannot' or that s/he `has no time'," he
says emphatically. "I am a very busy person and I am able to
find the time for whatever I consider important. It is all a
question of priorities. I have ba'h thirteen children
and I manage to find time for each of them."
Is this a forceful condemnation for those who say they
can't find time?
"Definitely! I can prove to them that they find the time for
things they want to do. They find time to read YATED and to
converse with friends after maariv... But they have no
time for their children?" In his opinion, even if a person is
involved in dozens of things, he can give the child the
feeling that he is listening to him, that the child can turn
to him when he is in distress, that he is understood and that
he is wanted and loved.
Giving is not measured in net time, for sometimes, even five
minutes of quality are worth more than two wasted hours. It
is necessary, each time, to choose the way that suits the
particular child to grant him the attention and love that he
needs. His children, for example, will not forget how when
they were very young, their father used to play a certain
simple childish game with them. It did not take more than
three minutes of his time, but these minutes are engraved
deeply in their psyche.
Whoever does not want his children to feel that they are
growing up without a father, does not want them to go around
with a dreadful sense of frustration, should begin inputting
for real, and take the responsibility of fatherhood
seriously, as he does all other responsibilities, so that he
will never have to regret the time that is lost and will
never return.
