The ability to control one's anger and act calmly is one of
the biggest challenges that parents face, and one that
confronts them daily. Some people are naturally calm (or at
least more so than others), while many face constant tests in
the area of anger control. For those individuals whose
patience is challenged often, it is possible to improve and
feel more controlled emotionally. Some of the techniques
discussed below can help. It is important to note that the
challenge is an ongoing one and perfection is not expected.
Prayer and effort are the only things that are truly within
our control.
Unrealisitc expectations can cause intense anger and
frustration. People often have unrealistic expectations about
how their children should look, speak and behave. Their anger
is exacerbated by the expectations these same individuals
have about their own performance as parents. Some parents
think, "My children must not misbehave. If they misbehave by
doing ---, then I am an ineffective parent." Or, "If my
children misbehave, it means that they don't respect me. I
must not allow that." Certain words or thoughts tend to
increase parental anger. The two Drs. Barish list several
phrases and words that tend to raise expectations and
increase anger:
"My children should not, must not or cannot act this way."
"I can't stand it when my children behave this way."
"I have to get angry to make my children stop acting this
way."
These negative statements can be countered or replaced with
more positive or realistic thoughts. When one works on
changing his thoughts, his anger is often calmed. Below are
some examples of thoughts to replace the negative ones:
"Children do misbehave."
"It is not terrible and awful when a child misbehaves."
"Most of the time, my child is not misbehaving to get at me,
but because he is a child, and sometimes because he wants my
attention."
It may feel like you can't stand it, but you have tolerated
difficulties in the past. It may be challenging but it is
possible to get through it.
By saying you "can't stand it," a message is being sent that
will likely bring on anger. Instead, try to think, "This is
very hard but it will not last forever."
I am not a bad parent when my children misbehave. I am a
human being. I don't have to take it personally if people
look at me critically because of something my child does.
Positive Self Statements
Positive thoughts or "self statements" are a key aspect to
anger control. It is very difficult to change the type of
thinking that a person has used for his entire life. With
time and effort, a person can work towards change in the area
of positive thinking and self control. Work on self
statements provides a person who is challenged in the area of
anger (or any other type of negative thinking) with a tool
for change. It is not a magic formula but it is a concrete,
clinically tested form of hishtadlus (effort).
A person can begin to change his thoughts by recognizing the
negative messages he sends himself and how they are
unhelpful. The above is a list of common negative self
statements but each person needs to learn to listen to his
own thoughts in order to change them. It is worthwhile to try
to "hear" one's thoughts. This can best be accomplished by
paying close attention to one's inner thoughts and feelings
and then recording them.
Divide a piece of paper into four columns. The first
column should be headed with the word THOUGHTS or have a
picture of a thought bubble (as used in cartoons) for the
heading. Begin your work by filling in this column whenever
you are about to get angry or after you have already gotten
angry. Continue to fill in your sheet until you feel you are
in touch with your negative and unhelpful thoughts. It can
take several days or even weeks to become accustomed to this
type of thinking.
Once you have learned to recognize your negative thoughts,
begin to fill in the heading for the next column which should
be labeled with the word FEELINGS. A picture of a heart can
be used for the heading, to indicate feelings. Spend some
time learning to recognize the feelings that result from
unhelpful thoughts. Once you have begun to recognize your
unhelpful thoughts and their resulting feelings, move on to
the third and fourth column of the exercise.
The third column should be labeled ACTION or a picture of a
hand representing action. Above the last column, write the
word `CONSEQUENCES' or use an equal sign to represent the
idea of a consequence. Try to use the chart when you become
angry. You will begin to see how unhelpful thoughts affect
one's feelings which then infuence the course of action. The
action, in turn, causes some sort of outcome which is often
negative. The more the chart is used, the easier it is to see
the natural chain of events of: THOUGHTS -- FEELINGS --
ACTION -- CONSEQUENCE. As the natural connection between them
becomes clearer, it gets easier to begin to work towards
changing negative self-talk in order to influence one's
feelings and actions. This, in turn, will bring about more
positive outcomes in challenging situations.
Replacing Unhelpful Thoughts with Positive Ones
When you become proficient in filling out the worksheet,
practice replacing the unhelpful thoughts with positive, more
constructive ones. Fill in the form twice for the same event:
once for the negative Thoughts/ Feelings/ Behaviors and
Outcomes and a second time directly underneath fill in the
Thought column with positive, more constructive self
statements. The result may be a change in Feelings/ Behavior
and Outcome.
Here are some examples of negative self statements and their
results, followed by more helpful thoughts and their
result.
I. EVENT: Small child jumps on the table and laughs at his
mother's apparent frustration.
THOUGHT: He's doing this on purpose. I have to show him. He
can't get away with it.
FEELING: Furious.
BEHAVIOR: Hit him and scream.
OUTCOME: He gets angrier and acts worse.
More constructive self talk:
THOUGHT: He is still a baby. He is only doing this because he
is bored and restless. I will try to distract him.
FEELING: Frustrated but in control.
BEHAVIOR: Finds an activity and brings the child down.
OUTCOME: Child becomes involved in the activity without a
confrontation.
II. EVENT: Child throws her toys on the floor and refuses to
clean up.
THOUGHT: She always does this. I have to teach her once and
for all.
FEELING: Angry.
BEHAVIOR: Give overly strict punishment out of anger.
OUTCOME: Child becomes more angry and educational goals are
not reached.
Positive self talk:
THOUGHT: She is still young. It's hard for her to clean up. I
also hate cleaning up. With time, she will learn. I can stay
calm and then, maybe, she will learn faster.
FEELING: Frustrated but beginning to feel better.
BEHAVIOR: Finds a creative and fun way to help daughter clean
up (pretend we are robots).
OUTCOME: Child cleans up most of the mess with mother's help
and is learning many valuable lessons.
III. EVENT: Child won't stop banging a chair into the wall,
after being asked repeatedly.
THOUGHT: He's so wild. He will never learn. I can't take
this. I must show him once and for all.
FEELINGS: Hopeless, angry, overwhelmed.
BEHAVIOR: Hits the child, yells and sends him to his room.
OUTCOME: Child begins to attack sibling and destroy his room
to win the confrontation.
More positive self talk:
THOUGHT: Maybe he is upset about something but he needs
limits. I can stay in control, and teach him limits if I
do.
FEELINGS: Angry, but hopeful and controlled.
BEHAVIOR: Takes a few deep breaths and tells the child that
he needs to go to his room to calm down for a while. Calmly
escorts the child to his room without a power struggle.
OUTCOME: Child uses the time out to calm down and learns
limits.
As you begin to change your unhelpful thoughts to more
positive ones, do not expect perfection. Hopefully, you will
see an improvement in your feelings and actions and their
results, but just as you are human, so are your children.
They will misbehave even if you improve. Anger control is
about effort and moving in a more positive direction.
[conclusion next week]
Masha Wolf is available for consultation, play therapy and
guidance to parents -- 02-656-2172.
