A child is exposed to pain from the moment he is born. The
very fact that he changes his environment from the soft warm
cushioned existence which he lived in for nine months to the
cold harsh world of reality is traumatic. Then there are the
various routine pricks, followed by circumcision if he is a
boy. How does a parent cope with this pain?
Firstly, pain is an essential part of life. Many of us only
go to the dentist when we have a toothache. A child knows
that he has to avoid heat and fire as soon as he has hurt a
finger under the hot tap or inadvertantly tasted hot food. A
sharp knife which draws blood from his little hand will serve
as a far better warning than anything a mother can say. A
group of university students were asked what they thought
about a hypothetical immunizaiton against pain. Almost all of
them mistakenly showed great enthusiasm. There are a small
percentage of children who suffer from a neurological
disorder which prevents them from feeling pain. They are
really unfortunate as they never learn to avoid bumps and
accidents. The two I have met in a lifetime were always
bruised about the face and body.
To the child, parents are omnipotent. They clean up after
him, comfort him when he is distressed and feed him when he
is hungry. However, they cannot always make the pain
disappear. They can give him paracetamol, they can call the
doctor who is licensed by the Torah to heal us, but they
cannot always take away the pain.
The way the parent deals with his child's pain depends
largely on his experiences as a child. The parent's view of
pain, his belief that everything is decreed from Heaven, need
not be expressed in so many words. The child feels the
parent's empathy, even if he is powerless to help him at the
moment. He knows the parent is there sharing his pain and
wishing that he could help him. It is helpful to express
encouragement every time the child has borne some severe pain
or hurtful treatment with fortitude.
When Yishmoel was ill and Hagar thought he was going to die,
she abandoned him under a bush and sat herself down far away
so that she should not witness his suffering. However much it
hurts a mother to see her child experience pain, she has to
stand by the child. He has to know that she is at his side
and feeling with him. Someone who did not receive this
support as a child will find it more difficult to encourage
and hearten their own child.
If a child climbs and falls, it is rather futile to shout at
him (to relieve your own pain) and say, "I told you to be
careful!" There is no need to stop a child from crying or
screaming when he is in pain, although it is hard on the
nerves of the listener. Once again, distraction is the best
method. For older children, the trauma of the pain frequently
lingers on even after the acute pain has passed. Encourage
him to talk to visitors about it till he has got it out of
his system.
It is unwise to promise a reward to a child before a visit to
a doctor or dentist if he doesn't cry or if he behaves well.
This indicates to the child that there is something to fear.
By all means, prepare him and tell him what is going to
happen, step by step. Tell him that it will hurt but don't
exaggerate the pain. If a person knows there is a limit to
the pain or discomfort, and that it will pass, it is easier
to bear. Once again, this largely depends on the parent's
view of pain.
A young child should not be told more than a day or two
before an upcoming operation or doctor's visit. Older
children need time to think about it and digest the facts. If
you know someone their age who has undergone the same
operation or has suffered similar pain, let them talk about
their experiences. Children benefit from this kind of sharing
and will cope better. A child who had to be chased around the
surgery because she was so terrified of the vaccine, let the
school nurse give her an injection a few months later without
batting an eyelid. "Nobody cried, so it would have been
silly," was her report about the event.
One cannot generalize, and much depends on the age of the
child, but there are some ways in which a parent can help
distract the child and prevent him from focusing on the pain.
For younger children, counting things in the room, mentioning
everything blue or white that he can see, telling stories.
Older children can be asked to close their eyes and try to
remember the exact layout of the room. Suggest to him that he
be the doctor and ask himself questions about his illness.
The `doctor' can ask, "On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate
the pain just now? Is it a burning or throbbing or shooting
pain? How often does the pain come?" Examine the fingers and
shape of the hands. Let the child work out what to ask, if he
will cooperate.
Remind the child of other suffering he has endured in his
life and how he defeated it. Despair and self pity intensify
the pain, as does fear of the unknown. (Which is why ante-
natal preparation is so vital before a first child is
born.)
Babies who cannot understand need to be hugged and stroked
and loved, sung to and talked to, by a calm mother. However
much she is shaking inside, whatever the turmoil and fear she
experiences, she is doing the baby a disservice if she
doesn't put on a really brave strong front. By putting on
this facade, smiling and being outwardly cheerful, she will
ultimately gain the strength she needs to cope with her loved
one's pain, and will not add to his fear. In the end,
davening is the best strengthener we have.
Whether we offer up a fervent plea, instinctively, in our own
language at a time of crisis, or whether we use formal
davening from a Book of Tehillim or from a
siddur, prayers always help and give us the capacity
to control our own very real pain, and to help us calm our
children in the time of their need.
