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18 Sivan 5763 - June 18, 2003 | Mordecai Plaut, director Published Weekly
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Home and Family


True Comfort
by R. Gil

During the longest week of my life, when I was sitting shiva for my father, I made a mental note of how a mourner feels, and of some of the do's and don'ts for visitors whose sole intent is to comfort, in order to help other mourners in the future. No single point is directed at any particular individual, and naturally, not all mourners are the same. Nor are the circumstances the same, nor even the comforters. One cannot over-generalize.

Firstly, I must stress the wonderful nature of Klal Yisroel. Acquaintances whom I hadn't seen for at least a decade bothered to come from far and wide, in truly inclement weather. They reawakened memories from my youth and evoked feelings of nostaliga. Neighbors showered kindness on us, doing the shopping and organizing meals, which were often more lavish than is usual for normal weekdays.

Already at the funeral, the mourner expects to see his nearest and dearest in the house. Nevertheless, some choose not to come, not because they are not feeling with the bereaved, but out of extra sensitivity that they might be in the way. They feel that they might not say the correct things, and that their absence is the best support they can render at this time. One woman was deeply hurt that her daughter-in-law had not come in before the funeral till she realized that the girl was so thoroughly upset herself that she was unable to find the right words to say.

Some mourners wish to talk and talk and reminisce endlessly, while others are so physically and emotional drained that they prefer to leave the talking to those who come to comfort. The laws pertaining to the shiva are clearly delineated, although most people are not too familiar with them. However, on the whole, people do know that they should not initiate the conversation, but wait for the bereaved to speak first. That initial silence gives the comforter an opportunity to assess whether the mourners wish to speak or whether they prefer to sit in silence.

When going to a shiva house, it is wise to check whether the times are suitable. Keep to the conventional times, not too early and not too late! There are people who feel close to the family and feel they would like to come when there is nobody else there. During this exhausting week, it is essential to ascertain whether you are really welcome. Certainly not for a prolonged period of time. Moreover, if there is a queue of people waiting outside the door of a small room to express their condolences, curtail the length of your visit. Mostly, it is wise to sit for a few minutes and then leave.

The day is long and the same questions are repeated over and over again. How long had he been ill? When and how exactly did it happen? Who was there at the end? Etc. Some mourners do not mind repeating themselves all day, but if the question gets brushed aside, don't reiterate and wait for an answer. The condolence visit is not meant to satisfy your curiosity; it is meant to bring comfort to the mourners. Repeating other people's similar sorrows, or even our own, is not likely at this time to bring comfort to anyone. It only increases the mood of melancholy and depression. It is as if they are trying to point out that there are worse troubles and that the bereaved is not the only one who has lost a loved one. It is an art to know what to say and how to say it. If in doubt, one does not have to speak at all.

Some people might feel that it was not worth the effort of going at all. The mourner did not speak to them at all, in fact, hardly noticed them. Remember that it is the mourner's right not to converse. There may be family, friends, neighbors, people from work and old acquaintances of the deceased all together in one room. The mourner is unused to crowds and finds the whole thing utterly exhausting. It is incumbent on us to visit, and we are not fulfilling the mitzva any better by the length of time we stay, or how much we speak.

TO SUMMARIZE: When paying a shiva call, take into account the time of day, what to talk about, how crowded the room is if you want to extend the visit, and the mood of the bereaved. It is also wise to think of your apparel. Coming straight from a wedding with earrings and a beautiful necklace over a gorgeous outfit into a house of mourning can make the mourners feel uncomfortable. This is likely because people sitting shiva are oversensitive and overstrained, and everything becomes an issue.

May we be preserved from sitting in mourning, and may the mourners of Zion be comforted with the rebuilding of the Beis Hamikdosh!

 

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