Part I
It is a rare parent that doesn't love his/her child, but more
common is the parent who is very busy or unsure how to best
express love.
Children desperately need to feel their parent's love
demonstrated. A child who does not `feel' his parent's love
is at risk and open to foreign influences, low self esteem
and other psychological disorders. Love is like water for a
plant and it will enable a child to grow strong and healthy
and reach his full potential.
Know Your Child and Accept Him
Every human being has traits that make him a unique
individual. These consist of personality traits such as
kindness and patience; talents; and skills, such as artistic
and athletic abilities, interests and hobbies. It is
important to know which traits make your child the unique
human being that he is. It is very hard to truly love someone
whom you don't really know. The more you get to know your
child, the more loved he will feel.
A well-known educator once said that parents often tell their
children, "I love you..." but if the parent has not taken the
time to get to know his child, the child tells
himself, "You don't love me. You don't know me. You love the
person you want me to be." It is impossible to fulfill Shlomo
Hamelech's wise counsel of "Chanoch lanaar al pi darko
- - Educate your child according to his way" if you don't
know what constitutes your child's derech.
Learn to accept your child's negative traits and reframe
them. For example, if your child is high strung, look for
something good in his hyperactivity. A hyperactive child is
usually high energy and this can be used to accomplish a
great deal. A stubborn child can be redefined as persistent.
Most negative traits have a positive aspect to them that can
be redirected. Above all, it is important to recognize your
child's faults and to accept him as he is -- a human being
like yourself who deserves to be loved despite his
imperfection.
Physical Affection
Children need physical affection to feel they are valuable
and lovable. Physical signs of affection like hugs also give
children a sense of security. Research shows that physical
affection actually helps premature babies grow and the lack
of it can retard the growth of normal babies. A type of
therapy was invented to help children who lack a positive
self concept and a sense of fun. It's called THERAPLAY.
Theraplay basically reenacts early childhood with the
client/patient by using physical affection as one would
express it with an infant, and playful games like peek- a-
boo. The developers of Theraplay found that it helps restore
a positive self concept and a sense of happiness and fun in
their clients. Physical affection can be a hug or a kiss,
massage, wrestling, a ride on your back or a fun dance. Some
children like to play a guessing game in which you trace
letters or numbers on their back and they have to guess what
it is. Some like to be lighty stroked or tickled on their
arms or back. A child who is resistant to touch should be
offered one of the above options or asked what type of
physical affection he enjoys. Pat-a-cake games or a specially
designed handshake or hug are sometimes a good type of
physical affection he enjoys. With time, he may become more
accustomed to touch and may allow and enjoy a hug or a kiss
as well.
Key times for affection are bedtime, when the child leaves,
and when he comes home. These are the times the child will
remember during the day and look forward to. They instill a
special sense of security and knowing what to expect. Try to
make them special times.
Activities that Express Unconditional Love
It is important to teach your child that you always love him,
even if you do not love his behavior. This gives him a sense
of security as opposed to fear that if he makes a mistake and
is bad, he will no longer be loved. A nice way to do this is
by making an "I love you" poster. This can be done in any
variety of ways. One way to make the poster is by taking a
picture of your child and pasting it on a large piece of
poster paper. Surround the picture with written [or graphic]
reasons for your love of your child. Base your statements on
his positive personality traits, talents, lovable physical
characteristics such as cute freckles and positive deeds. You
may want to focus on positive personality traits because they
are most meaningful and lasting.
The "I love you" poster can be made in miniature and
decorated by your child. Show your child that you keep it
with you in your purse or pocket to always have him close to
you. Continue the theme by holding an "I love you" ritual at
bedtime. Tell your children different reasons why you love
them, each night. Work to think of new reasons all the
time.
A husband and wife team of social workers wrote a book called
Playful Parenting, which describes a couple who used
this idea with their children. After a while, the children
began telling each other, "I love you because..."
Put "I love you because..." letters in your child's lunchbag
or put them on his pillow. This is a fun way to express love
and affection, and children love to get notes. You may even
decide to send your child an occasional love letter in the
mail. If you do something special for your child, be sure to
tell him, "I made this cake especially for you because I love
you." When said with a smile, it will be accepted as intended
and will make your labor of love more meaningful.
Special Time
Children need quality time with their parents. All children
need time alone with their parents, but children who are
experiencing stress or challenges in their lives need it
more.
Nonjudgmental Time
Parents normally feel a need to educate and correct their
child at every turn. They tell themselves, "If I don't
correct him, he'll never learn." Often, the opposite is true.
If you don't correct him and you accept and encourage him,
he'll learn. Children need special time with their parents in
which they are simply accepted. During this special time, try
not to give commands, criticism or instruction. Allow your
child to thrive and grow through your acceptance and empathy.
You may decide to get down on the floor and play with your
child or just watch his play and comment on what he does.
One expert recommends commenting on a child's play as a
sportscaster would, blow by blow. This makes it fun and
exciting for the child and he feels that he and his actions
are very important. This type of quality time builds the
parent-child relationship. There are many documented cases
that describe a child beginning to open up and express deep
issues during non-judgmental or floor time, as Dr. Greenspan,
author of The Challenging Child, calls it.
It is important to allow your child to play and speak freely
during this time. If your child brings up strong feelings,
don't discourage his openness by invalidating his feelings.
If he says, "I hate...", don't respond by telling him it's
wrong to hate another Jew. This will not teach him ahavas
Yisroel. Instead, it will add feelings of guilt and
solitude to his angry feelings. Empathy does not give a child
license to be bad, but allows him to work through his
negative feelings and learn to truly control them. Instead,
show your child you understand and feel his pain. You might
say, "It sounds like you're really hurt and angry by what
happened."
Try to tune in to your child's true inner feelings and show
that you recognize them. Acceptance is the first stage to
overcoming negative feelings. A child who does not feel
understood and accepted may misbehave and act out to make
sure he is heard.
Activities that revolve around a parent and child's mutual
interests are great opportunities for relationship building.
Art or construction projects, even baking or any activity
that parent and child can share provide rare opportunities to
share thoughts and feelings and a sense of camaraderie. It is
worthwhile to find common ground or create it. You may need
to discover your child's interests and talents in order to
find a common ground.
Anytime you are with your child can be quality time. This
includes trips to the dentist and your child's sick days.
A parent who takes the time to know and spend time with
his child and demonstrates affection will have a more secure
child and a more loving parent- child relationship.
