How should I answer?
"Ima, where are we going on vacation this year?"
"What do you mean by that? Who said we're going anywhere?"
"I don't mean right away. Sometime during bein
hazmanim."
"Who said we're going away? We made no plans. You know I work
during the school vacation and we don't usually go away, so
why are you asking?"
"Because Riki told me they're going to a hotel in Netanya,
Tzippy told me that this year they're going to rent an
apartment in Tsfas and Yochi's family is switching apartments
with a family in Yerusholayim. Not to forget Dassy, who's
flying to the States to spend two weeks with her grandmother.
So what about us? Aren't we going anywhere?
Afterwards, all my friends talk about their experiences and
when they ask where I went, what will I tell them?"
Without a scooter, I have nothing to do in the
afternoon!
Tuvia came back from cheder and announced that he had
nothing to do in the afternoon.
"But we have so many games! And what about all the friends
you can play with in the yard?"
"All of my friends have scooters except me, and all they do
is ride around. I also need a scooter!"
"A scooter? Whatever for? Don't you have a bike?"
"The bike is too heavy and clumsy. By the time I take it down
and bring it back up, there's no time left for riding.
Besides, there's hardly any place where I can ride. You told
me yourself that it's dangerous to go in the street. A
scooter is so much better. It's lighter and safer!"
"I still don't understand why you need a scooter. What will
you do with it all afternoon?"
"All my friends have one. Look out the window and see them
scooting around, having a great time. There aren't any kids
with bikes downstairs."
It's hard for me, but I've simply got to do it!"
"I've got two simchas to go to tonight," fifteen- year-
old Brachi announced.
"Really?" her mother asked in surprise.
"Avigail's brother is getting married tonight and Miri's
sister is getting engaged!"
"Mazel tov! But what does that have to do with you?"
"She gave me a personal invitation."
"But it's only Avigail's brother. You don't know him. Anyway,
you're hardly close to her, either. Why do you feel you have
to go?"
"But the whole class is going!"
"I think that's going too far. I think it's an intrusion when
the chosson's kid sisters each bring their whole
class. And he does have a big family, if I'm not mistaken.
Won't it be much too crowded? There won't be room for the
kalla's friends and family to dance."
"Ima, believe me, I have a test tomorrow which I didn't even
study for. It's really hard for me to go, but I'm making the
effort. I have to. Everyone else is going!"
SOCIAL PRESSURE
Who hasn't encountered this phenomenon? Social pressure puts
stress on the child and on the parents as well, forcing them
to give in. Often, children have not thought through whether
they need something or if they are doing something merely
because of social pressure, and it seems to them, or so they
convince themselves, that this is something they really want
or need. It is impossible to ignore the influence of the peer
group on the child's behavior and desires, especially among
adolescents, and it is important to know how to relate to
it.
The effect of obligations
First of all, it is important to know that this phenomenon
has a positive side to it, and we will discuss this first.
Parents don't realize how grateful they should be for the
fact that there is social pressure. There are many positive
modes of behavior that children get used to as a result of
peer pressure. Chazal related to this as one of the factors
which prevent people from sinning (in public): people are
afraid to being seen by others, afraid of what they might say
or think of them.
Social pressure has many positive aspects, when we're talking
about a positive society, of course. For example: yeshiva
boys are influenced for the good by the friendly atmosphere
in their peer group, which leads to an improvement in their
middos. They may be motivated to greater diligence by
a positive atmosphere in the beis midrash. In the
beginning, their motives may not be pure and they might be
just trying to fit in, but eventually these good traits will
become part and parcel of their personality.
Seminary girls, even those who don't come from Torah homes,
eventually express the same desire as the other girls -- to
get married and build a home based on Torah principles. (If
we glance back a few dozens years, we can see that marrying a
Ben Torah was definitely not a priority in those days.) We
must admit that a good part of this turnabout is due to the
efforts expended by the seminarys, but a good part is also
due to social pressure. The girls, even from non-religious
homes, are influenced by the general atmosphere and their
ideal is to marry a Ben Torah like their friends.
It is important to note that adolescents and pre- adolescents
improve their self-image by adapting themselves to the
standards of their peer group. In most instances, this desire
is positive, because we're dealing with accepted
standards.
Different style?
At a certain stage, parents of adolescents might feel
frustrated by their teenager's conduct. They notice the
tendency to imitate certain fashions, and extreme behavior on
the part of their son or daughter. These might be a bit
overwhelming and they worry about their adolescent child,
especially if he's the oldest. And if the situation is like
this now, what will it be like later?
But parents have to know that young people try to discover
their unique identities, and this is how adolescents develop
themselves. Many parents wonder where all their hard work as
parents got lost. "Why is our daughter so demanding? What
happened to the example she sees at home and our own modest
style of living?" Or "Why is he going to bed so late? What
about keeping up with the rules and regulations we worked so
hard on?" and so on.
It seems the teenager is now trying to develop a different
personality and style, that he wants to imitate his peer
group, but we shouldn't be upset over the changes during this
interim period, nor should we despair of the positive
influence absorbed by them over the years because they do
take all this into account, even if it doesn't seem so on the
outside. For the moment, they are testing everything anew,
and most of them will eventually go back to their `old'
selves, strengthened in their convictions.
Personal example and the generation gap
Before trying to help our children overcome unjust social
pressure, let us examine our own personal example to them.
Sometimes we don't realize how we ourselves give in to
certain pressures. One woman told how a neighbor of hers had
spoken for years against the use of microwaves, in principle.
After some of her children got married and started using
microwaves and lauding their practical side (especially for
working mothers, whereby children can warm up their food
themselves), she gave in and bought one for the house.
After checking into our own personal example, we should
listen to our children and weigh the pros and cons with
sensitivity and understanding. It could be that the parents
compare the child to themselves as young people, and forget
that times and ideas have changed a least a bit. A mother
could wonder, "Why does she need a different outfit for every
simcha? I didn't have a quarter of the wardrobe she
has, and I wouldn't have dreamed of asking for more!" Or
"What is this craze of going to every simcha? In my
day, only the kalla's best friends would come to the
wedding!" Although we don't have to give in to every demand,
it pays to consider the fact that times have changed and
certain accepted social mores have come into fashion. These
may be hard to avoid, but appropriate limits should certainly
be set.
If after checking the two above mentioned points, i.e. our
personal example and the generation gap, we still feel that
our child's demands are unreasonable and s/he is giving in
too much to social pressure, we have to try and help him
out.
Next week: How to Overcome Social Pressure. A five point
program
