Part II
We discussed the good and bad sides of social pressure. In
a positive society, this keeps us on our toes, and even if
our motives are not always right, we conform until
eventually, the right attitudes and habits become part of our
personality and our strivings.
In overcoming unjust social pressure in the case of our
children, we must examine if we show a positive personal
example, ourselves. We must also listen to our children and
weigh their requests with sensitivity, taking into account
the inevitable generation gap.
After checking these points, if we still feel that our
child's demands are unreasonable and he is giving in too much
to social pressure, we must try and help him out.
HOW TO OVERCOME SOCIAL PRESSURE
The point is to help our children feel secure enough so that
they can choose what they feel is correct without worrying
about what their peers think. Each person is born with the
necessary tools to best carry out what his task in life is
meant to be, and there is no room in this for unwarranted
social pressure. When a person will have to give an
accounting before the Heavenly Court, it is doubtful that he
will be able to claim, "But I was pressured into it" or "I
didn't want to be different!" We have to train our children
to do the right thing without the interference of outside
factors. Since social pressure is natural, there are several
steps to take in order to help our child mature.
1. Empathize
Everyone wants to be part of the crowd. No one likes to feel
different. "I understand that most of your friends signed up
for this course and you don't want to be different." "I know
some boys get more pocket money, and I wish you could also
have more for yourself."
Empathy has a calming effect on children (even if we don't
give in to their request) and makes them realize that we
understand them.
2. Personal experience
After empathizing, parents can relate stories from their own
experience, and point out how ridiculous it is to give in to
social pressure. This will be more effective if it is related
in a friendly manner and not in a moral tone. "When I was a
young man in yeshiva, I remember how some older boys offered
me a cigarette, which I took so as not to feel different.
Afterwards, I realized how foolish it was to do something
which is unacceptable from all points of view. It's
unhealthy; it's expensive. When I first started to protest,
certain boys made fun of me but soon enough, they saw that I
meant it, and they stopped bothering me."
"When I was a young girl, we organized a class party with our
group leader, and everyone said I had to come. That same day
we had an important family simcha which I didn't want
to miss. I kept hesitating until in the end, I decided to
stick with my friends and attend the class party. When I got
there, I was disappointed to see that some of my best friends
hadn't even bothered coming, although I had a better reason
than they did for not showing up. The party dragged on and I
felt that I had missed out in every way."
3. Use logic
After that, you can explain that although it's much easier to
go with the current, all the dead fish also get pulled in.
Live fish go against the flow. People who go against the
stream are not those who do what others do. It's better to do
the right thing. We can learn a lesson from shopkeepers whose
clientele is mostly children. Owners of stationery stores,
toy stores, etc. are sometimes amazed to see how social
pressure builds up their business. It's enough for one child
with a lot of self confidence to buy some small item, to
influence a whole group of children to buy the same item.
This item is then so much in demand that every child feels he
must have one just like it. If we analyze social pressure in
this instance, we will see that it all goes back to one self
assured child or teenager who decided to buy something and
all the others followed. Social pressure is just an overblown
balloon, and if we let out the air, we will see how
ridiculous the whole issue was in the first place.
4. Teach assertiveness
Sometimes an adolescent realizes that he is right and that
the others are wrong, but because of his weak personality, he
finds it difficult to say `No.' He needs to be taught
assertiveness and given encouragement to say 'No' when the
occasion demands it. He needs to be taught to state his
opinion with assurance, and discard the fear that if he
expresses himself, his friends will reject him. On the
contrary, he has to understand that his group will respect
him more for taking a stand on what he believes to be
right.
A self-assured young woman told me that when she was in
seminary, her friends would suggest all sorts of ideas: to
spend Shabbos at a friend's house when the parents had gone
away, to go to the beach during vacation or to make a
surprise party for one of their classmates, and so on. She
would judge the idea only when she was by herself and the
social pressure wouldn't influence her as much. Often, when
she decided against an idea, not only did her friends
continue to respect her, but they would cancel the whole
thing on their own. Every one of us has someone they can
choose as a role model for assertiveness, a person who
continues to be regarded highly despite his choice to think
and act independently. This type of person is usually
respected even more! When a child decides that the time has
come to say `No', he may feel insecure at first, but then his
confidence rises and he feels very good about himself.
5. Encourage independent thinking
It is important to encourage independent thinking and
reasoning. One of the signs of an intelligent person is that
he thinks before answering. It is not wise to answer hastily.
Except for unusual cases, which require an immediate
response, most answers can bear delay and moderation. Even
when friends are pressuring, children can ask themselves --
Is this justified?
Parents have to be careful with criticism. Sharp comments,
even if said for the good of the child, can have a negative
effect and destroy more than build. We have to remember that
a child who has trouble standing up against social pressure
is already suffering from a lack of self confidence. If we
attack with critical remarks, how will he be able to stand up
against social pressure? When a parent says, "You're a fool;
you can't even think for yourself," he destroys the child's
self confidence.
One of the gedolei Yisroel, perhaps R' Yonosson
Eibshitz zt'l, was once asked by a gentile, "Your
Torah states that one should follow the majority. So why
don't Jews accept Christianity?" He was told, "There are many
rooms in a palace and the king occupies only one of them. If
you know for sure that he is in one room while all the
servants claim he is in another, would you believe them?" The
gentile said, "No." "So you see that the majority rule only
applies where there is a doubt. When a person is absolutely
sure of himself, this does not apply at all. And this answers
your question. We, Jews, are absolutely sure of our faith, so
what do we care what the rest of the world believes?"
Social pressure should never have an influence on us when we
are sure that we are right. Avrohom Ovinu was called Avrohom
HoIvri because he stood alone on one side of the world, while
the whole world stood on the opposite side. He was firm in
his convictions.
Belief in our way of thinking can actually give us strength
to stand up against social pressure and if we still don't
have that strength, we should check and see WHY we don't have
full confidence in the justness of our opinions.
