Re: "Wedding Hall Jitters" (Yated 13 Sivan).
As a professional optometrist who is privileged to fit many
prospective brides wth contact lenses, I am frequently
invited to weddings as well as to those of our many friends
and neighbors. In addition, I play the organ for many
simchas and have the opportunity of seeing what goes
on behind the scenes.
Where music is permitted, an organ is far less costly than A
BAND, and in the hands of a good performer on a good
instrument with a good amplifying system, you can get the
sound effects and variety of a band. When auditioning an
organist, make sure he plays with more than his thumb and two
fingers. Although some organists sing while they play, the
performance becomes more restricted, so if you really need a
singer, it is far better to engage one separately. I find
that appropriate music prior to and leading up the
chuppa can appreciably enhance the spiritual
atmosphere of the occasion.
On the question of EXCESSIVE SOUND VOLUME, this is a
universal complaint. Granted that the younger people like it
loud for dancing, it is very hard to convince bandleaders
that during the meal loud playing is irritating for guests
who like to hear the voices of their relatives and friends. A
good idea is to appoint a member of the family to keep tabs
on this. At the same time, he could oversee the activities of
the caterers when, for instance, it comes to make sure that
there is a good supply of clean glasses on the tables and a
sufficient quantity of clean towels for handwashing!
Unfortunately, many waiters are sluggish in this respect, and
I sometimes get the impression that they take advantage of
the fact that the parents of the young couple are rightfully
so engrossed in their simcha that they would not dream
of complaining.
Certainly, one should make a deal with THE PHOTOGRAPHER as to
just how much you expect from him. However, a good
photographer likes to record the action when it happens and
should not be over-restricted as to how many pictures he
takes. In the end, you will be able to choose the pictures
you want, and with his experience and contacts, can obtain
more presentable print results than at any random printing
shop at relatively reasonable prices. It is also not wise to
try to economize by restricting the photographer's hours of
attendance. I have noticed how frequently when the
photographer has left the scene well before the end of the
celebrations, several memorable sections are left unrecorded,
and the opportunity of photographing the family group after
most of the guests have departed is lost forever.
I often wonder, however, when I see a COSTLY VIDEO TEAM in
action, how often in the future the film will be displayed,
and how many chareidi homes possess video equipment!
With regard to the desirablity of a CATERED STAND-UP BUFFET
as opposed to a sit-down meal, I am told that the buffet may
not be a cheaper alternative. The same number of waiters is
required to replenish the buffet food supply, and much more
food is consumed when guests can help themselves to what they
like and to as much as they like. I remember attending one
wedding where, due to ambiguous orders, all of the prepared
food had been set out on the buffet table for the pre-
chuppa reception. Within a short time, it had almost
all been consumed, and to the embarrassment of all concerned,
there was little remaining for the seudas mitzva.
[Ed. Here is one important money-saving tip, and one that
sets a different tone to the whole wedding as not being one
big gross food-fest. "RECEPTION AFTER SEUDAS MITZVA." I think
this is the norm in Eretz Yisroel weddings, and is so much
more refined. You should set out drinks, especially in hot
weather, but you needn't do more than that, especially if you
note this in the invitation!]
To my mind, the best procedure that has become popular
recently is where the post-chupa seuda is participated
in only by family and selected close friends and the rest of
the guests are invited to join in the celebrations and the
dancing after the meal at about 9:00 p.m. A simple
mezonos buffet awaits them, set up during the
chuppa. This offers the advantage of preventing much
waste of food and not suffering the problem of over harassed
waiters trying to cope with numerous guests who turn up at
different times to the sit-down meal. More important, with
this scheme, the sheva brochos can be recited in the
presence of all the participants, instead of waiting until
the end of the celebrations when most of the guests have
departed. Indeed, I learned from a Rov that one may not
bensch alone or even with a mezumon at a
wedding meal without the permission of the chosson!
A further spin-off from this system is that the waiters can
clear away the tables earlier, leaving more space for
dancing. Since less staff will be required thereafter, some
of them can be released earlier, thus possibly saving more on
the expenses.
A.T.
*
Dear Home & Family,
I enjoyed "Wedding Hall Jitters" and wanted to add a few
points of my own.
Years ago, R' Yaakov Kamenetzky zt'l was asked for
advice on how to manage on a shoe string budget based on a
kollel check. His advice was to live simply and be happy with
what you have. If we could implement his advice, we would be
'way ahead of the game. Down with peer pressure / down with
conspicuous consumption!
Who are the Joneses anyway, if not your own friends and
family? How much do they care that you opted for the more
reasonable photographer, band, flowers, gown? Borrowed
beautiful dresses for the family members / dared to wear the
same machateneste dress more than once etc.?
In fact, since YOU are one of the Joneses, when you opt for
the less flashy outfits and wigs, you are doing a favor to
your friends, since there is one less Jones out there who is
pressuring everyone to raise their standards of living.
Of course, every individual and family has its own frame of
reference according to background, personal taste and
preference. Areas where it is more difficult for them to go
"El Cheapo" and No Frills. Every shidduch has its own
dynamics and a life of its own as to what would go over with
the mechutonim and it is not our job to measure
people's pocketbook and preferences.
It just seems that sometimes there is an inverse ratio of
money to more extravagant expenses. It's the wealthy magnate
who may make a smaller, more intimate wedding meal without
fluttering an eyelash and the nouveau riche who feels
compelled to go for the gold. A grand woman who was the
matriarch of a wealthy Jewish family would advise younger
women in the community that when they made a simcha,
they should be sure that their family was well dressed but in
low key so as not to attract undue attention. And then, you
have people in debt who feel self-conscious if they are not
the best dressed kids on the block in all facets of their
lives.
Yaakov Ovinu told his ten sons, "Lomo tisro'u?" Why be
conspicuous? Enter Egypt through ten different gates to
reduce public attention, since they were each stalwart
figures in their separate right.
Many a time people run themselves ragged looking for
segulos and blessings for the success and happiness of
their families, overlooking the possibility that in many
instances, "Less is more."
A reader
*
Re: Rabbi Zweibel's article on limiting expenses for
weddings. I wonder how this applies to Eretz Yisroel. Many
suggestions have been offered regarding sharing for
apartments but when it comes to the negotiations, it is often
difficult to stick to your guns. As one person put it, "I'd
rather see my principles sitting than my daughter."
I'd like to hear veteran mechutanim (do you get any
degree after marrying off several children?) offer their
suggestions on economies. Perhaps you could run a series on
this topic with guest columnists or interviews with different
people with experience and ideas on the topic.
*
Glad to see the interest generated from the readership.
Welcome your suggestions etc. We will address readers'
comments on Saltzman's "Chance of a Lifetime" next week IY'H.
And please, the person who semi-faxed me a piece on painting
oneself into a corner etc., please refax it.
*
Re: "Shabbos by the Sea" (a widows' support group has a
Shabbaton)
A footnote: One widow was undergoing a difficult period and
had to be coaxed very hard to join the group for a week in
Hungary. She had been taking Valium at the time. After that
week, she didn't need it anymore.
For more information about this group, contact our PR person
at the Yated office, Leah Weisman, 03-617- 0800. Our
Fax: 02-538-7998.
