We have been receiving lots of letters lately. Thanks! We love them, even if they
criticize. So long as you are reading, thinking and feeling!
THE THIRD PLAGUE
First, an eitza from a woman whose profession would be great for a Twenty-
Questions quiz: she checks for lice in kindergartens. And she has the end-all
solution for getting rid of the pests. It's very messy, but safe and does the job.
MARGARINE! Rub a good amount of margarine into the child's scalp, enough so that it
shows. Keep it on for several hours. You can Saran-wrap the head or cover otherwise.
Afterwards, wash very well and comb. The lice will be dead and the nits will have
lost their grip. Can't beat this for economy!
S. M. from Ramot writes, re: Food for Thought:
When I was young, I once passed a flower shop with a modest advert stuck onto the
window pane: "Say it with flowers." Nowadays, I think this has been changed to "Say
it with food."
Are we training our children into bad eating habits? Are we teaching them to draw
comfort from sweet food? To overcome disappointments, to heal the hurts, to ease the
offense? We promise "something good" for help in the house and for bribery. What
about those little afternoon friends (after 4 p.m. I hope) who expect to go home with
something sweet in their hand?
Bring savory nash into the house: popcorn (warning for young children), crackers,
rice cakes, pretzels. Rewards can be: something for their collections, playing a
tape, a story from Mommy, a hug and a kiss, and there is nothing like a real warm
compliment. The impression can last lots longer.
S. R., an ex-Brooklynite from Bnei Brak:
When kids are crying and Mom's tired, it is sometimes hard to be your "best self" but
nice, upbeat columns like the FAST FOOD item and ideas from various child experts on
your staff help us to cope better.
P.S. A kindergarten teacher offered this tidbit -- "If you don't have self
discipline, you won't be able to discipline your children." Kids emulate their
parents. If Mom eats a candy bar for breakfast, and coffee-and-cake for lunch, kids
won't be far behind...
Rivka R. from Rehovot, writes:
We are old fans of Devora Piha, but for me, her last column on Shmitta containers was
a real boost. Why perform mitzvos by rote if you can gain so much with a little
effort. And ugrade kids' awareness in the bargain!
And one for Sudy Rosengarten, from an anonymous reader from Jerusalem:
Firstly, I'd like to thank you for your creative and interesting stories. I was very
surprised, recently, to see you use the word "retarded" as an insult. [Parshas
Vayishlach on "Going Back to Work".]
In our home, as in many, the word "retarded" is not permitted to be said in that
context. As Jews, we try to consider the sensitivity of others, even if they are not
present, especially if they are helpless. Forgive me if this harsh: my intention is
not to hurt, just to enlighten.
SUDY REPLIES:
You are absolutely right. Thanks for your wanting to enlighten me. I stand corrected.
*
UPS ON DOWN'S
And now we get back to an ongoing polemics reacting to "Journey of a Soul" by Dov
Patkin, Parshas Bo, about a Down's baby who was almost given up for adoption to
missionaries, and a strong reaction to it by Mira Neufeld, Parshas Yisro.
RUTH PALATNIK from Bnei Brak writes about the Other Side of the "Other Side of the
Smile":
I would like to protest the general impression given by the article. Contrary to the
author's line, survival -- and yes -- a happy, fulfilling life, is possible (and most
probable) after the birth of a Down's Syndrome child.
I am writing as the mother of a Down's girl, Rina, and coordinator of the Bnei Brak
Down's Syndrome support group. I am in contact with similar mothers throughout the
country, including many "fresh" mothers.
FIRST, A FEW FACTS:
1) While many people know that the range of retardation in Down's Syndrome can be
from mild to severe, few know that 95% of the children fit into the moderate-to-mild
range. Almost all can speak (starting later, and not always clearly), and the
majority can learn to read at a gradeschool level.
2) One of the often heard sentences from Downie mothers is, "Well, if I had to have a
special child, Boruch Hashem it's Down!" Study after study has shown these children
to be less of a burden to their families than children with any other major
disability, and that in general, their families feel that they are coping alright.
I feel that "The Other Side of the Smile" was a real error, by quoting only terrible
cases and thus making it seem that to raise a Downie one has to be "special," or
neglect other children.
People often want to convince themselves that only "special" people can handle this
nisoyon. Perhaps they feel that if this is so, then they are "protected"
because Hashem won't give them a special child, since they are not saints.
(Don't we all know [some of] our faults and know we are not tzaddikim...)
So why DO so many parents of special children seem special? Because the experience
gives them the ability to rise above themselves, to be empathetic, open hearted, to
grow. Yes, normal people have Downies (it happened to me) and we learn to survive
and even to smile. It irks me when people try and call me a tzaddekes for
having a Down's child. Once I told a friend that when people call me that, I feel
like screaming in their faces that, "This is not the child I prayed for." And even
so, we survive and LOVE Rina very, very, very, very much!
(Ruth Palatnik offers a very informative, convincing point-by-point rebuttal which
we will reserve for a future issue. She ends off with)
I have a "special needs" library in English on disabilities. I can also be contacted
by special parents, not necessarily of Downies, who want to talk. My phone number is
03-579-4996. My address: 4 Bartenura, Bnei Brak.
AND NOW TO DOV PATKIN'S SECTION-BY-SECTION REBUTTAL:
"I also know of a family who turned down a shidduch with the sibling of a Down's
child because they felt that s/he would become an emotional or financial burden on
the sibling as years went on."
If we are to worry about possible future "burdens," where will this end? We see that
"old people," the old Zaide and Bubbie, can become a "burden" to the family, too.
People that are so concerned about possible future burdens should also look for
chizuk on the subject of embracing the responsibility of life which includes
helping and caring for others.
One thing is certain: that Down's family was SAVED from entering into a
shidduch which was not such a good one for them.
And Ruth Palatnik adds on this very subject, in her letter, brought here, along
the same lines:
If we follow the reasoning of the family who wouldn't make the shidduch, maybe we
should all be wary of making a shidduch if the parents of the other side are
living... lest they become a future burden to the children...
In most of our families, there are several siblings to share any emotional or non-
government-paid financial burden. So far, most of "our" families are making excellent
shidduchim with few problems.
Also, is Mrs. Neufeld ready to accept responsibility for giving people such ideas
that they might not think of on their own? Baruch Hashem, shidduchim are made
in Heaven!
AND BACK TO PATKIN
Neufeld's next point refers to a true story on the reverse side of the newspaper
page, Day of Royalty, about a retarded girl's bas mitzva. "Not all such kids are so
`royal'," she writes. "Some have been so overwhelmed by the excitement that it has
become an embarrassing fiasco. And when such a parent reads this article, they most
probably feel like a failure."
He answers:
It is true that "misery loves company." Would you like the editor to write about all
these fiascos?
Surely she is only trying to inspire people. And it is a test for any person not to
be jealous if another is more successful. By your reasoning, one can never publish a
successful event because of the fear that someone may become depressed that he cannot
live up to it. [From what are we to learn, to become inspired?]
How would YOU suggest that we help these parents?
HIS PERSONAL PLEA TO ALL DOWNIES' PARENTS:
Since, as we have seen, there are some social workers, rabbis etc. who contend that
the parents who do raise these children 1) suffer great pain and anguish 2) have
their homes torn apart 3) cannot cope 4) cannot give proper care to the Down's child
and other children, THEREFORE, "it is proper not to ever bring a Down's baby home
from the hospital.
We are asking families that are blessed from Hashem with a Down's child to write
letters, English and/or Hebrew, testifying that the above statements are NOT TRUE.
Even though it is a Heaven-sent test and one needs encouragement and help, it is
still a POSITIVE experience with many benefits.
All members of the family can write their own letter! Please include some details of
medical history about your child. Also the ages of all the children. Please ask other
members of your community who have a Down's child to participate in this important
venture to save Yiddishe souls.
We hope, please G-d, to be able to change attitudes world wide towards Downs'
children, their potential, the benefits of keeping them with their biological
families. For the child, the family and for our communities at large.
ADDRESS: Dov Patkin, Kiryat Shomrei Emunim, Block 3/2, Jerusalem 95237. TEL. 02-582-
9944. FAX 02-532-5813. EMAIL: hermany@netvision.net.il.
[Ed: We are by far not finished with this topic, which we will pursue in future
issues. We will be more than happy to print what readers have to add.
Weinbach, Panim Meirot 1, Jerusalem, or FAX 02-538-7998.
And now, a brief interlude with Purim bittersweetness, submitted by Dov Patkin]
HUMPTY DUMPTY IN A TOPSY TURVY WORLD
by Mrs. Chava Lehman
Head Teacher and Founder of
KISHARON DAY SCHOOL
Humpty Dumpty went to a school
He couldn't keep up, so they called him a fool
They kept him in class with very bad grace
Because he couldn't keep up in the learning race.
Humpty Dumpty wanted to learn
The smiles of his teacher he wanted to earn
But he found it so hard to concentrate
When the learning went at such a fast rate.
Say it together, again and again
He tried with all his might and main
He squirmed in his seat as the lesson droned on
He wished he could jump and run in the sun.
If only someone would stop and explain
If only someone would ease my pain
At being the one who couldn't cope
Of gradually giving up all hope.
Humpty Dumpty grew very sad
They said his behavior was very bad
He was never given a chance to excell
At the tasks he COULD DO exceedingly well.
Humpty Dumpty joined a new school
Where respect for each pupil was the rule
He began to learn at his very own pace
He was finally out of the learning race.
Now Humpty Dumpty enjoys going to school
He's too busy learning to play the fool
He studies with all his might and main
Humpty Dumpty is together again.
