Life, we can partly state, is comprised primarily of routine,
joy and sadness. The routine of our daily life is broken up
by such
joyous events as births, bar mitzvas and weddings and, sadly
enough,
sad events like sickness and death. As they say, "That's
life."
So long as this balance between joy and sadness is
maintained,
more or less, a person can contend with life and still remain
optimistic.
When a person is besieged by troubles that rapidly follow one
another,
he is liable to lose his zest for life and even to assume an
Iyov-like
attitude of despaired resignation.
The trouble is that lately, the usual balance has been thrown
off kilter in a most unnatural way. There are happy events,
even many
of them, but curiously enough, some of these are the very
cause of
misery.
The most poignant proof that bears out my point was brought
home
to me in a large envelope inserted into my mailbox several
months
ago. It contained forty-one excerpts of heartbreaking letters
describing
the plight of people who had reached the very brink, the
cliff-like
edge of despair, poverty, want -- up to the verge of heart
failure.
Whoever read those letters could not help but feel a queasy,
weak-
kneed gut reaction at the depiction of the situation to which
these
people had been reduced, indicative signs of the general
times.
A closer look at those letters produced a most dismaying
scenario.
Almost all of them dealt with troubles resulting from
simchas.
Not death, not illnesses, but joyous events!
I sat down to study this more closely, and jotted down a
single
line alongside each letter which summarized the cause that
had brought
that particular family to such dire straits as the brink of
starvation
or severe medical problems. The common denominator shared by
almost
each one was: complications due to a simcha in the
family.
I quote several cases in point:
Letter 5) Save Me From My Plight: "He is bowed under by a
terrible burden of debts incurred from the marriage of his
children."
Letter 7) The Cry of a Talmid Chochom Suffering Terribly: "He
is in extreme debt from marrying off most of his
children."
Letter 9) The Plea of the Chosson: "Huge debts of thousands
of dollars are piling up and threatening to crush him."
Letter 11) The Saving of Souls: "His daughter just became
engaged and he is in dire financial situation."
Can you make any sense of this?
*
I could go on through all the cases till the forty-first, but
you get the picture by now. People assume debts and despair,
fall
into depression, get themselves literally sick or succumb to
other
physical maladies. It is too much for them to bear. And
why?
Because they are making a simcha! What kind of a
simcha
is this? One of relief? Something to dance about? Or is it a
calamitous
condition (see Letter 10)? of "helplessness" (Letter 8), of
emotional breakdown (Letter 13) or of one who has "become
bedridden"
(Letter 6).
What are we doing to ourselves? Note the painful absurdities
that
surface from this explosive manilla envelope. The (happy)
event: his
daughter became engaged, and the result: he is being choked
by debts.
The (happy) event: his son has become engaged. The result: he
has
suffered a nervous breakdown.
Is this natural? Normal? Must it be this way?
Yidden! M'darf freilich zein! Folks, you gotta be
happy!
Why, then, do we choose to kill ourselves with happiness? How
have
we been reduced to happiness that smothers us to
desperation?
The calculation is so simple. Even a person who works, and
brings
home a monthly paycheck of 10,000 shekel net (about $2,500),
and systematically
puts aside half of it for savings (just as a wild
conjecture), can
only hope at best to marry off three children. What about
those who
earn NIS 5,000 and cannot make ends meet by the end of the
month on
this salary?
And this constitutes the majority of us. Take a look around
and
see if this is not so. People married twenty years are
shuttling between
gemachim to borrow from one to pay back the other and
breathe
a bit of it for their own needs. What happens when they need
dental
care that costs $800, which they don't have for sure, and
their son
or daughter becomes eligible? Who can think of marrying them
off when
there is no money to buy a watch for the
chosson/kalla?
These lines attempt to express the pain of thousands of
anxious,
frustrated parents as much as to highlight the famous Yoni
caricature
depicting hundreds of people dancing on a platform reposing
on the
back of a man spread out underneath, sweating bullets or
tears, as
you will. If we analyze the situation, we will learn that the
man
is not dancing on our backs. We are straw-dancing on
our own
camel-backs and breaking them!
*
What is the solution, you ask. Whatever we come up with will
surely
have to meet the approval of our Torah leadership, but
perhaps you
will allow me to raise the idea of takonos,
guidelines, or
communally binding regulations. Other circles (Ger) have
embraced
this; why can't we follow suit?
For years, these circles have married off children without
nervous
breakdowns, with minimal pain and heartache, literal or
figurative.
They abide by the iron fast rule not to buy an apartment in
the big
city (Bnei Brak/Jerusalem). They housed their children in
apartments
bought for pennies in Kiryat Gat, Arad or Ashdod. Nowadays,
since
prices have risen there too, they are forbidden to buy
altogether,
but must rent.
Try to imagine this. Your child just became engaged and knows
that all he needs to buy is a new hat and a pair of good
shoes. You
can dance at his wedding, your wedding, and shed tears of
joy, not
sadness, and revel in the happiness of this eventful
occasion.
I want you to stop and imagine this. Dancing from pure sheer
happiness.
A joy that evens out the debit balance of times of pain, ill
health
and occasional adversity, a joy that brings life back into
the normal
perspective of ups and downs, respectively. We have enough
discouraging
troubles involving illness and unnatural deaths, G-d forbid,
that
we cannot allow ourselves the expense of turning our own
simchas
into causes for mourning and desperation.
For the past few weeks, I have been talking to people, and
have
learned that they are just waiting for such takonos.
They won't
complain.
It would remove a heavy, even impossible burden from their
bowed
backs. I know that there are elements that will resent my
bringing
this subject to the fore. But all I ask is that it be brought
to the
attention of roshei yeshiva and gedolei Yisroel
for
their consideration. Let's leave it up to them to decide . .
.
