Part III
We have dealt with specific examples and techniques in
helping a child with anger control. The last idea was to have
the child draw a picture of himself in a situation that
angered him. On the left side, he was told to draw a thought
bubble, as in a cartoon, and fill in with what he was
thinking. We continue:
Yitzhok is furious at his sister for touching his brand new
organ. He draws himself about to hit her. In the thought
bubble he writes:
"I'm going to beat her up once and for all. She always
touches my stuff. She's doing it just to bother me. She never
lets me use her things. I never have any privacy. I'm so mad,
I'll show her." Yitzchok's mother asks him to draw a picture
of his sister playing the organ and draw in what she may be
thinking. He thinks for a while and then writes, "I'm jealous
that I don't have an organ. I just want to play on it a
little. I always let him play with my things." Yitzchok
begins to see that maybe his sister was not purposely
annoying him and that she has feelings of her own. He begins
to understand her better. His mother then tells him to fill
in positive thoughts that might help him understand his
sister and calm his anger. On the right side he writes, "She
was just jealous. Sometimes she does let me use her things.
It's not worth getting angry over and getting into trouble. I
can stay calm and work it out. I will just tell her she has
to ask me next time. If we work it out, we will have
sholom and we'll both be happy. Ima will be happy and
she'll give us both a treat for being good."
Yitzchok stays calm and his mother gives him a big hug. She
tells him how proud she is of him for working on his anger
and he gets a special reward.
*
If your child does not feel like drawing, you can have a pre-
made thought bubble prepared on paper and hold it over his
head towards the left side to help him access his negative
thoughts. The bubble can be moved to the right side when he
is ready to generate more positive thoughts. Another way to
help children understand the other person's perspective is by
asking them to take off their shoes and actually "get into
the other person's shoes." If two children have calmed down
after an argument and are ready to negotiate, have them
exchange shoes and pretend to be the person whose shoes they
are wearing. Ask them what they are thinking and feeling now,
then ask them if they have any ideas about how to solve the
problem. If the other person is not present or if the child
is not ready to confront him directly, bring a spare pair of
shoes and have him put them on. The child can have a dialogue
with the other person by moving from one pair of shoes to the
other. Alternatively, he can pretend that the child is
sitting on the couch and can sit in his place when he needs
to role-play the other perspective.
*
Yaakov and Chaim were playing together very nicely until
Yaakov's mother said it was time to stop. Both boys began to
clear up the toys when Chaim's mother called and said that
needed to go home quickly because his uncle had just arrived.
Chaim grabbed a few toys, put them in the box and said, "Now
we each cleaned up the same amount," said good- bye and ran
out.
Yaakov was very angry. He said to his mother, "Chaim didn't
even help me clean up. I'm not his friend." His mother
answers him, "When you are calm, let's think about what Chaim
is feeling." A while later they act out the situation.
Yaakov's mother brings an extra pair of shoes to represent
Chaim. She says, "Yaakov, you are feeling very hurt and angry
that Chaim didn't help you clean up. Now pretend to be Chaim.
What would he say?" Yaakov gets into the other pair of shoes
and says, "I did help you clean up." Yaakov goes back to his
own shoes and answers, "But I did most of the work. It wasn't
fair." Then his mother tells him to go back to Chaim's shoes
and asks him if he thinks it was fair. He answers, "It's fair
because I cleaned faster than you, but I did just as much and
I was in a rush to see my uncle."
She asks Yaakov how he felt when Chaim rushed off and he
answers, "I felt that he didn't care about me." Then she asks
him to go back to being Chaim and respond to Yaakov's
feelings and to think of an idea so things would be better
next time. He answers, "I wasn't leaving because I didn't
care. My mother told me to come home and I wanted to see my
uncle. Maybe next time I could ask you if you mind if I leave
before we finish cleaning up, since I did do my share of the
work. Or we can decide what is half." Yaakov feels that he
has found a resolution and has really been able to understand
Chaim's thoughts and feelings.
Once a child is able to understand his own thoughts and
feelings as well as those of others, he is able to move
towards finding constructive resolutions to his problems and
controling his anger. After a child has learned to control
his initial inappropriate responses to challenging
situations, he must then learn alternative, more appropriate
and acceptible modes of responding to conflict. This will be
discussed further in the next article entitled, "Problem
Solving With Your Child."
Masha Wolf is available for questions, comments and
consultation, evenings at: 02-656-2172.
