FROM M. COHEN, BNEI BRAK
I've been following your articles on Shidduchim,
written from various viewpoints. Now I'd like to add a
suggestion that might be both helpful and possibly
controversial.
In the USA, particularly in the Lakewood-New York areas,
parents of singles who have been eligible for a long time
have started offering special shadchonus as an
incentive to potential matchmakers. [The going rate is
presently about $2000.] To motivate novices and
professionals, $5000 or so has been offered and this has
helped girls in need of matches.
Do I hear grumbles in the background? Isn't it a
chessed? Answer: great rabbonim, including the Brisker
Rov and R' Chaim Kanievsky, have indicated that not only is a
matchmaker's fee permissible, even imperative (see the
Shulchon Oruch), it is "the only money THEY would accept
themselves." Kosher fardindt gelt -- kosher earned
money.
Why the high premium? Because it is difficult to make matches
for older eligible girls. Technically and emotionally, the
matchmaker bears a great responsibility and suffers the brunt
of people's displeasure, as in "Kill the messenger." If
people don't like a suggestion, they often vent their
displeasure on the shadchon. Shadchonim are in
very scarce supply. And they get discouraged.
If parents do not care to invest the time and money to marry
off their children and discharge their parental obligations,
how can they have any complaints about friends and family
being apathetic to their needs?
I'd appreciate it if you printed this, as I see it as a
z'chus horabbim to help marry off singles. It is a
sorely neglected area, like a mes mitzva, akin to
freeing agunos.
Thanks again for presenting a great paper.
PUTTING A LID ON IT
The following very moving letter from a reader in London who
seeks to remain anonymous, refers to M. Steinberg's article
from the Parshas Tzav issue (April 23), "Put a Lid on It,"
which dealt with shidduchim.
"I found her statement `that of Sheini is the tragedy'
unbelievable. She makes it sound that because she is single
and approaching her fortieth birthday, she ought to dig her
own grave, lie in it and wait to expire. Particularly galling
was that she found it necessary to mention that Sheini
remains properly dressed and still davens. Does this
imply that only those women with husbands and half a dozen
children in tow will keep on the straight and narrow? Surely
one can still fill each day with Torah and mitzvos, enriching
the lives of others [and oneself] and still be single! And
who is anyone to give up on someone else's life? Hashem's
succor is swift as a blink!
"I am also sure that if Bashi met someone with whom she had a
good rapport, the last thing on her mind would be Windows
95!"
APPRECIATED AND AFFORDABLE
by Mikimi Steinberg with help from Rifca Goldberg
[Wedding season coming up soon. This was a response to a
previous article discussing numerous invitations and how to
respond with a meaningful but not too expensive gift.]
Mikimi alights from the bus in Jerusalem. The trip from Safed
was pleasant but long and she's glad to be on solid ground.
She has three gifts in her bag but her step has a bounce!
Three weddings tonight, may these increase.
At the first wedding she steps into, she graciously hands the
mother of the bride a heavy gift-wrapped package. What's in
it? Mikimi, if you recall from her introduction to Yated over
a year ago, is thoughtful and practical, and has a standard
set of inexpensive, appreciated, easy to lug presents. At
this particular wedding, hidden below the bright paper and
ribbon is a Mazel Tov mug filled with clothespins! All
under ten shekels and sure to be appreciated. She gives the
heaviest gift first.
At the second wedding, she tosses the second, smaller gift-
wrapped package into a special box just for gifts. Secreted
within are two key chains, "Kalla" written on one and
"Chosson" on the other.
To the third wedding she brings three vegetable peelers and a
salt & pepper shaker set, wrapped tightly and beautifully.
"None of these gifts cost much," Mikimi notes to her friends,
"but each gift is useful, is the product of some thinking,
and best, I can afford it." Also, the kind of gift they most
probably will not be getting... Other ideas Mikimi suggests
are: a nail clipper set, tea towels (for my son's Bar Mitzva,
she gave him a hand towel with his name embroidered on it!).
How about a shmatte assembly? It consists of one gold
and one silver dish sponge, multi- colored meshy scrubbies
and a new floor shmatte. They will definitely get used.
I could add my own, slightly less expensive idea: a new
plastic container filled with a couple of packages of baking
powder, a bottle of vanilla extract and a bag of chocolate
chips. On the top of the cover of the container is my
favorite chocolate chip recipe and a note: "Mazel Tov to the
new baalebusta!"
Group gifts are also nice, with three or more friends
chipping in for something substantial but not too expensive,
like a good stainless steel pot or set of bowls etc.
As we were told when we were young (and at the receiving
end), it is not so much the gift as the thought behind it.
But with thought, you can make even a simple gift original
and useful and appreciated.
FROM YOUR EDITOR
I've been getting excellent material -- but too late. If your
submission is season-related, make sure it gets to me a good
two weeks before or it might have to wait fifty!
Submissions should be legible, if not typewritten. Address:
Weinbach at Panim Meirot 1, Jerusalem. FAX 02-5387-998.
Keep it coming!
