In today's Western world, pleasure is certainly a primary
value. Where does this fit into your scale of values as a
Jew? In your particular neighborhood and society? Economy is
another. Once you think about something as basic as that, you
are capable of downplaying it, or giving it the proper place
on your scale of values.
In previous articles, Rabbi Kory discussed the technique
of effective communication through `pacing and leading' and
levels of abstraction. The third step in developing effective
communication is becoming aware of your listener's values.
Values are useful in other areas as well.
What is the definition of a value? Simply, whatever is
important to a person.
Very often, we are unconscious of even our own primary
values. Become aware of your own values in different areas of
your life and you will understand what motivates you and how
you make decisions. Furthermore, once you know which values
motivate you, you can find ways to introduce them in areas in
which you are not yet motivated.
For example, let's say you want to know your values in
shopping. Ask yourself this question: why do I shop for
clothing/ groceries/ books in a particular store? Perhaps you
are interested in economy: saving money, looking for
bargains. Or, maybe you like convenience: you don't like
making a big affair about going to the store, or standing
around on lines. You just like to walk out of your house,
buy, and come home as soon as possible. Or: courteous
service... cleanliness... organization... honesty... comfort.
Not all stores can satisfy all of these values and you will
choose based on what is most important to you. Stores that
include many or all of these values appeal to a broad
spectrum of customers.
Let's say that economy turns out to be a primary value
for you. That may be a good value for you when it comes to
basic household expenses. You may decide to introduce economy
into other similar areas. However, there are areas where you
will want to push financial considerations aside and base
your decision on other values [perhaps Torah values]. Being
aware of this tendency towards economy will contribute to
[overriding natural tendencies and to] your making the
correct decision.
Because our life circumstances change, it is important
to periodically reconsider if your values are supporting your
goals or not. I have a friend whose son was doing very poorly
in a yeshiva where I was teaching. We discussed the need to
develop a stronger bond with this boy and spend some time
learning with him. "The problem is that I just have no time,"
he explained.
There are many people in Jerusalem who buy their fruits
and vegetables in the Machane Yehuda market because of
economy. About two weeks after I spoke with their friend
about his son, I met him on the bus near the shuk carrying
two shopping baskets full of fruits and vegetables. I asked
him if he really found that he saved money. He replied,
"Well, not really, but I find that for the same money you can
get nicer fruits and vegetables."
It is pretty safe to say that for most people,
"nicer fruits and vegetables" is not as important a
value as the success of their children in school, and I am
sure that this person would agree. Why, then, was he spending
time shopping in the shuk when he could have used that same
hour to be with his son? What probably happened was that he
had developed a routine, a habit of shopping there, and
hadn't realized that over the years, his life circumstances
had changed and that now he should reconsider which values
are really more important to him.
How do you tune in to other people's values? One way is
to just listen carefully; during the conversation, their
values will surface. Another approach is to ask them a
question like "What is important to you about...?" Their
answer will reveal one or more of their primary values in
that area.
For example, if you were to ask someone "What did you
like about going to the wedding?" they might answer, "It was
great seeing so many friends," in which case, being with
friends is a primary value. If they say, "I enjoyed having a
delicious meal, served to me," eating well might be a primary
value. They may say they get genuine pleasure in the
mitzva of gladdening the chosson and
kalla.
Once you are aware of what people's primary values are,
you can utilize the information in your communication with
them. For instance, you notice that your listener always
talks about the opportunity to "get out of the house and be
with people" in relation to social simcha events and
you want to encourage them attend a social function. You
wouldn't try to persuade them to by talking about the great
meal or the chance to do a mitzva, or the program. You
might say something like, "Oh, I think you'll really like it.
It's a wonderful opportunity to get out a little and see
friends."
Some of this may seem pretty self evident. The mistake
that many of us make when talking to other people is that we
inadvertently project our own values. We do not always take
into consideration that our listener may have completely
different values and preferences. This applies to children in
particular.
Let's say you want to persuade a child to go to a summer
camp and they really don't want to go. You might begin
reminiscing about how you enjoyed sports and games in camp
when you were a child, and how he can play with his friends.
He looks uninterested and you try even harder to describe the
various activities you enjoyed with your friends. He will
apathetically mutter, "I don't know." He might be thinking
that playing is what he does every day at recess or after
school. Perhaps swimming or hiking appeals to him and it did
not occur to you to mention these activities since you did
not particularly enjoy them in camp.
Societies have values. Neighborhoods have values.
Families have values. By being aware of these values you will
know what influences are surrounding you and where to place
them in your scale of priorities, and how to guage them in
dealing with other people, including children, and use them
effectively.
