With Pesach and summertime coming up, it is worthwhile
reviewing some guidelines for having guests, for what to talk
about with them, and for ways to make them, and ourselves and
our families, feel more comfortable while exercising this
important mitzva.
The first item to remember is who is coming. Young seminary
girls and/or yeshiva boys, and neighborhood people who are
widowed or divorced, are two completely different types of
guests, and usually have completely different needs.
The widow/er or divorcee [and don't forget them - take an
initiative, they need it most] is probably coming to our home
for companionship and a sense that somebody in the world
cares. The seminary girl or yeshiva boy, on the other hand,
is probably primarily looking for a homecooked meal.
Thus, for example, when the meal is over, the boys/girls may
be happy to just get up and go about their business, while a
neighborhood widow or divorcee may easily feel brushed off or
rejected by a quick `Shabbat Shalom' at the door.
Being aware of and sensitive to the needs of our guests is a
vital part of hospitality!
As we all know, the seminaries and yeshivos in Israel are
constantly calling on local residents to host their students
for holidays and Shabbosim. Our yom tov tables
therefore tend to be filled with these student guests. On the
other hand, I have never heard of anyone calling to `place'
neighborhood lone people for meals, and they often get
forgotten in the holiday rush and must ask for
accommodations.
The young students are far from home, many for the first
time. Their unique needs and outlooks need to be taken into
consideration when you are hosting them, so that both hosts
and guests feel comfortable and happy that they have come.
I thus offer a few ideas:
IDEAS FOR YOU, THE Understand that these students probably
feel a little uncomfortable coming to eat and sleep in a
stranger's home, even if they act as if it is normal. On the
other hand, they might easily think that your hosting them
was included in the package deal for which their parents paid
a year's tuition and board. I'm not sure that all seminaries
make it clear to parents that tuition does not include all
Shabbos meals, which are usually provided and paid for by
local families (often living on a much lower standard).
* Offer these student guests a drink and a piece of cake or
kugel if they arrive more than 20 minutes before the
beginning of Shabbos or chag. They will probably be
embarrassed to ask on their own for anything to eat or drink,
and the chances are high that lunch, if served, was missed at
the school, and it is a long time from candle-lighting to
kiddush for someone who is hungry or thirsty. [They
tell of the Chofetz Chaim, I think, who once made
kiddush before singing the entire sholom
aleichem, seeing that his beggar guest looked
starving.]
* Let the girls set the table, make a salad or put out the
gefilte fish. They will feel more at ease being able to do
something, and there is no reason why they shouldn't make it
a little easier for you. But be careful: it is not fair to
ask them to change little Moishele's diaper or to play with
little Sorele if she is sticky and drippy. Not everyone
thinks that is cute.
* During dinner, DO ask the girls to help serve and clear up
food and dirty dishes. You are not running a hotel. There is
no reason for three girls to sit at your table while you and
the children run back and forth. [Ed. Tzivia suggests that
boys help, too. In our family, the boys only help at the end
of the meal; they clear up so as to avoid traffic. If male
guests wish to pitch in then, let them.]
In addition, remember that it is not particularly modest for
girls to be sitting and talking among themselves or with your
husband when you are not in the room as well. They may feel
uncomfortable being left there, besides. If some girls remain
sitting and only some come into the kitchen to help, call the
other ones into the kitchen, too. There is no need for you to
feel embarrassed, even if they only stand in the kitchen. And
they should be sensitive to this issue. (I speak in the
plural since most seminaries send girls in groups of three or
four to a family. This has its advantages and
disadvantages.)
* If you find yourself becoming nervous and edgy with more
than two guests, perhaps you should set your own limits. No
matter how unpleasant it is to say `no' when the seminaries
call to place students, your priority must be your family and
your own mental and physical health. And your Shabbos
atmosphere.
* In the same vein, we all know, but somehow do not always
remember to practice, the fact that socializing with our
guests should not be at the expense of our children. Though
it is nice to make guests feel comfortable and at home by
getting them to speak about themselves, never forget that six-
year- old Yossi and twelve-year-old Rivky couldn't care less
about adult mutual interests, and it is their Shabbos
table, too, and your job to make them enjoy and look
forward to it. In fact, the memories of and attitudes towards
these family occasions are being created just at these very
times. It is more important to ensure that your
children enjoy the seuda and feel the joy and pleasure
of the Shabbos spirit. For a Shabbos table to degenerate into
a test of your child's patience and/or boredom level is a
desecration of the holy day.
Generally, guests will be just as happy to watch on the
sidelines as children feature as the stars and center of
attention, especially when they are not exposed to children
close up during their week. They may even feel more
comfortable this way.
Next week: Setting up guests for overnight etc. and Ideas for
the Guests!
