You're getting company in 30 minutes. Perhaps a surprise visit from
your m-in- l. Your house is a mess. WHAT TO DO?
Welcome, ladies, to the first session of Housekeeping Tips for (Ir)Regular
People. If you're a super baalebusta, this column is NOT for you.
[Don't even read it - it'll make you cry instead of laugh.]
However, for the rest of us, this is your chance to learn 15 Secret
Shortcuts to Good Housekeeping that your mother never taught you.
SECRET TIP #1 - KEEP DOORS LOCKED
If a room clearly can't be whipped into shape in 30 days, much less
30 minutes, employ the Locked Door Method of cleaning.
CAUTION: It is not advisable to use this tip for lavatories in a one-bathroom
home. (See Tip # 14.)
Time: 2 seconds.
SECRET TIP # 2: DUCT TAPE
No home should be without an ample supply of wide tape. Not only is
it handy for plumbing repairs, but it's a great way to hem drapes,
tablecloths, clothes, just about anything. No muss, no fuss.
Time: 2-3 minutes.
SECRET TIP # 3 - OVENS
If you think ovens are just for baking, think again. Ovens represent
at least 9 cubic feet of hidden storage space, which means they're
a great place to shove dirty dishes, dirty clothes or just about anything
you want to hide when company's coming.
Time: 2 minutes.
SECRET TIP # 4 - CLOTHES DRYERS
Like Secret Tip #3, only bigger. CAUTION: Avoid hiding flammable objects
here.
Time: 2-3 minutes.
SECRET TIP # 5 - WASHING MACHINES & FREEZERS
Like Tip 4, except even bigger.
Time: 3 minutes.
SECRET TIP # 6 - DUST RUFFLES
No bed should be without one. Super baalebustas believe dust ruffles
exist to keep dust out from under a bed or to help coordinate the
colorful look of a bedroom. The rest of us know a dust ruffle's best
use is to hide whatever you've managed to shove under the bed. (Refer
to Tips 3, 4, 5, 6.)
Time: 4 minutes (extra for bending).
SECRET TIP # 7: DISHES
Don't use them. Use paper and you won't have to.
Time: 1 minute.
SECRET TIP # 9 - CLOTHES WASHING (EEWWW)
This secret tip is brought to you by an inventive housewife (the mother
of...). When the washing machine went on the blink, she discovered
you can extend the life of your wardrobe by simply shpritzing the
clothing with deoderant and rubbing out the stains with a damp cloth
dipped in stain removal detergent.
Time: 10 seconds.
SECRET TIP # 10 - IRONING
If an article of clothing doesn't require a full press - and your
sheitel does, a curling iron is the answer. In between curling
your sheitel, use the hot wand to iron minor wrinkles out of
your clothes. Yes, it really does work, or so I'm told by other disciples
of the 30-Minutes-to-a-Clean-House school.
Time: 5 minutes (including curling your sheitel).
SECRET TIP # 11 - VACUUMING
Stick to the middle of the room, which is the only place where people
look. Don't bother vacuuming under furniture. It takes way too long
and no one looks there, anyway.
Time: 5 minutes for entire house; 2 minutes, living room only.
SECRET TIP # 12 - LIGHTING
The key here is low, low and lower - use the lowest watt bulb possible.
It not only saves on electricity, but dim lighting hides a multitude
of dirt.
Time: 10 seconds.
SECRET TIP # 13 - BED MAKING
Use sleeping bags. How long do they take to zip up? It can save you,
oh, hundreds of seconds over the course of a lifetime.
Time: 5 seconds.
SECRET TIP # 14 - SHOWERS, TOILETS AND SINKS
Forget one and two. Concentrate on three.
SECRET TIP # 15 - SELECTIVE INVITATIONS
If you already knew at least ten of these tips, don't even dream about
inviting a baalebusta to your home.
